Memories From the End
by GoldenGround
Summary: One cold night changes everything between them. Edward pulls Bella from the ice and when the world thaws around them it's nothing like it was before. (Forbidden Love)
1. The Ice is Getting Thinner

**Chapter One: The Ice is Getting Thinner**

It's been a year today but it feels like yesterday. It was the day that changed everything, the day that _ruined_ everything.

It was early December, as cold as tonight, colder even. Edward and I were riding back from Seattle with the heat cranked up and the music blaring. I'm belting Christmas songs with hands flailing. He's laughing with that crooked smile and shaking his head. After four years and a long afternoon Christmas shopping he's used to me. He's used to the eccentricities, the quirks that I'm too embarrassed to share with most people.

We're ten minutes from home when it happens. His Volvo's bright lights shine against the slick road, through the flecks of white fluttering from the sky. It's a deer that does it, prancing into the road and knocking down the first domino of many. He doesn't swerve but I feel the car lurch as he hits the breaks and then we're skidding, spinning over the icy asphalt. Screams rip from my throat and I'm clutching the cool leather seat. It feels like time is flashing before my eyes and slowing down all at once. Finally after what feels like years or seconds of spinning and falling there's impact and everything is dark.

Looking back I wish I could change that. Maybe if I hadn't fallen unconscious, things would be different now. If I were alert, maybe I could have saved myself. I could have opened the door or broken the window. I could have swam through the water as it cut through my skin, into my bones, a cold I could never forget, and reached the shore without his help. It would be traumatic but maybe it wouldn't be life altering.

It didn't happen like that though. I did black out and he did save me. I don't know firsthand the panic he must have felt, the responsibility for someone's life – my life- lying heavy on his chest. I don't know the time it took to decide an escape route. I don't know how the water felt, impossibly cold and piercing I imagine. I wish I remember all of that but I don't.

The first thing I recall is his velvet voice sounding so scared and so far away. He's saying my name over and over again but I can't speak. It starts to move closer, the sounds and the sensations. It begins with the ice. I feel the chill of it against my back and wrapping around me like an unwanted blanket. Hands are grabbing at my shoulders. They claw at the fabric of my jacket before finding my face with a gentler touch. Everything hurts and I want to scream. I want to cry and run away from the darkness holding me down. Instead I'm trapped, stuck in oblivion and as frozen as the ground around us.

"Bella! Bella! Bella!" My name over and over again and the heartbreaking way he's saying it.

When I finally open my eyes he's right there in front of me, then and _now_.

"Bella, what are you doing?" His voice is panicked again and it burns inside my chest. Warm hands grab at my jacket and he's pulling me back and away from the railing I'm peering over.

"Edward?" It's a useless whisper. Of course it's him. He's here to save me, like he always does and I fear he always will.

"Bella we've been so worried." He grasps at me, touching my shoulders and then my face, like he thinks I might fade away at any moment.

"I'm sorry." My voice sounds hollow and I swallow roughly to try and make it better.

"You didn't come home. We called but you didn't answer. Your mom, she's called all of your friends." I wince slightly at his words. That will be fun to explain. "She wanted to report you missing but…" He pulls away and glances back to his car, to the blue lights shining over everything.

"I'm sorry." It doesn't sound any better despite my swallowed efforts.

I feel the burning behind my eyes, the need to release what I've somehow managed to keep in all day. I blink hard and fast, trying to seal it away. I don't want to break in front of him, not again. I want to be stronger than this. I know how he sees me. I see the way he looks at me every day, the way he looks at me now, and I hate it.

"Bella, you can't just disappear like that." His voice is more clipped than expected.

I risk a glance at him and find a clenched jaw and hard eyes. He's angry. And then a tear falls, without my permission. I brush it away with my sleeve and hope he hasn't noticed.

"Bella…" his voice is softer now.

"I'm sorry." I can hear the tears in my voice, the sob I'm holding back.

"Stop apologizing." I hear the anger again. It's laced into his deep voice.

"I'm s-" I stop my self before I can apologize for apologizing. "You're mad."

I hear him sigh but I don't look up. I know if I do it'll all break.

"I'm not mad."

"You sound mad." Luckily my voice is sounding better, stronger.

He reaches out again and squeezes my arm lightly through my coat. " I promise I'm not mad." He pauses and huffs again. "I'm worried about you."

"You don't need to worry about me." Once the waterworks feel securely locked away, I lift my eyes back to his. They shine with concern and the flashing blue light.

"It's almost 2 am Bella. It's freezing and you're back _here_." His eyes drift quickly away and over the railing to the dark water below before they're back on me and searching.

"I wasn't going to jump or anything." It's the truth. I may feel trapped a lot of the time but I never thought to do that. "I didn't even plan it. I just…I just ended up here. I don't know" I look down again, unable to take his piercing stare.

"It's the anniversary." His voice is deeper and my stomach clenches at the sound.

"A year ago tonight." A year ago since the beginning of the end. He sighs at this, a warm gust of air against my skin.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry this happened to you…to us." He sounds almost as broken as I feel.

"Stop _apologizing_." I mimic his words back to him and watch the corner of his lips twitch upward.

"It's cold out here." It's a neutral response and perhaps an attempt to change the subject. He looks around and breathes white clouds against his bare hands.

"I've been colder." His eyes snap back to mine and there's too much written there for me to decipher.

"Me too." He's the one whispering now.

We sit in the quiet for a while longer, drenched in cold and memories we'd rather forget. The water below runs against rocks and frozen edges and the woods rustle in the breeze.

"You okay to drive?" He motions to my truck, pulled off the side of the road, parked in the same spot where the ambulance sat that night.

I nod in response before he continues. "If I get in my car, do you promise you'll follow me home?"

"Promise."

"Bella, I'm not afraid to put you in the back of the squad car you know." His lips are curled again but it doesn't quite reach his eyes.

"Pinky promise." I lift my hand and this time I get a real smile before he links his smallest finger with mine.

"Alright, lets go." And then he's turning around slowly and making his way across the frozen bridge and towards the flashing lights.

I look over the railing again. It's new silver steel and looks strange against the old bridge. The water is tinkling softly below and I listen to the sound for another moment. It's a peaceful noise to most but to me it feels constricting, like a heavy weight sitting in my chest.

Another minute and then Edward honks the horn, breaking the spell and sending a couple of birds flying into the night. That's my cue to go I suppose. I make my way to the truck on numb feet, pull myself into the cab, and crank the growling engine. I wait a few minutes for the engine to warm and stare at the squad car waiting across the bridge. I think about the man inside, the man who saved my life, the man who _is_ my life.

That night, a year ago, changed my life and I don't doubt that it changed his too. I'm thankful to be alive. I didn't lose any abilities or functions and I didn't lose Edward. If I were able to forget it, my life might be back to normal or normal enough. It's not normal though, the night terrors make sure of that. They're the dreams that lurk during the day and pounce at night when I'm most afraid. They claw at my lungs and my soul until I'm a mess of tears and overwhelming fear. When I think I've had a good day, when I think I'm growing stronger, they show themselves to me and they pull him to me like a magnet.

He's always there to rescue me, to see me at my worst and pull me from the abyss. If we didn't share this experience, this nightmare, I'm sure it would be different but it's not. He was there that night and he did save me and unfortunately, I love him all the more for it.

I love his calming whispered words, his constant warmth, and the safety of his strong arms. I love his green eyes and the looks he saves just for me. The looks that say he understands, he knows what I feel and what I need. He knows me better than anyone else, I'm absolutely sure of it.

I love and hate the way he knows me, the way he understands. It's made life easier since the accident but lately it's made things unbearable.

The fact is that I love Edward.

I love him deep in my chest, in the part of my soul that I thought I lost that night. I love him too much and in a way that I know I shouldn't. I love him in an impossible way that he can't ever know, because as broken as things may be now, it's nothing compared to the disaster of him knowing how my soul yearns.

The truth is that Edwards not mine to love so much.

He belongs to someone else.

Someone beautiful and self assured and stronger than I'll ever be.

More specifically, he belongs to my mother, his _wife_.

I grip my steering wheel hard at the thought of how fucked up it all is, my knuckles burning white against my skin. I'm teary eyes again and wiping at my face quickly. It hurts to feel this way. It digs through my throat and down into my chest and burns like a cigarette left lit.

I don't want to love him. I don't want to wish for him to save me, to hold me, to _kiss_ me.

I wish I could go back to when it started changing. Back to the days when my thoughts and cares concerning him were those of a family member, of a stepdaughter. I want to warn that girl, I want to scream at her and teach her better. It didn't happen like that though. It wasn't quick and recognizable. It snuck up behind me like a thief, tiptoeing on my heels until it was impossible to ignore.

The blue lights on the cruiser turn off in an instant and then he's flashing his brights and easing toward me. I clench my eyes closed for just a moment and then I'm focusing again and putting my rusted truck in drive. I follow him slowly down winding roads. I focus on the white and yellow lines on the ground and the red of his brake lights. I focus on everything I can other than our destination until we're pulling up to it and I can no longer hide.

Home.

My mother.

Our _family._


	2. We Were Made Out of Lightning

**Chapter Two: We Were Made Out of Lightning**

My mother, Renee, has always been beautiful.

Even in the oldest photos I've seen, even last night, with wet cheeks and angry words, she's always shined with a radiance I could only ever hope to possess. She's clear blue eyes, smooth chestnut hair, and perpetually glowing skin. She's smiling with perfectly white teeth and laughing with the grace of a Broadway starlet. Renee Cullen is the bar to strive for and the opposite of me in almost every way.

She grew up in the middle of nowhere South Dakota with handmade clothes and barely enough food to eat. She ran away at seventeen, less than a year older than I am now, and never looked back. It's on that journey, from Mining country to Pacific coast, that she met my father. He was steely and silent and a mystery she yearned to solve. He cared about few things and for a short while my mother was one of them, I was too.

From what she's told me they married too young and grew up too fast and they lost one another along the road. They divorced early on and two days after my third birthday he left on a barge and disappeared from our lives. I don't remember him at all, but from the few photos I've seen it's obvious that I'm his daughter. The resemblance is uncanny and I can't help but think of him every time I catch my deep brown eyes staring back in the mirror. His eyes.

It's a sad story but it gets better, for a while at least.

I was eleven when Renee married Edward. I remember the day like a movie I've watched a hundred times. She was more beautiful then than I've ever seen her, dressed in floor length silk and shining like the sun. She wore sparkling gems in her hair and scarlet lipstick on her mouth. She smiled the whole night and Edward smiled right back and I thought to myself that no two people could ever be more perfect for one another.

At the reception, Edward held my hand and danced with me to a Louis Armstrong song. He told me I looked lovely in that smooth velvet voice of his and spun me around until I felt dizzy. I blushed so easily then, I still do, and thought how lucky my mother and I were to have someone like Edward in our lives. How lucky she was to find a husband so kind and thoughtful and handsome

I think about that night again as I lay in bed, hiding from sleep and the monsters in my mind. I stare towards my window, to the glow of dawn approaching and I picture the stars hanging so brightly in the sky. I hear the hum of the saxophone, the clink of silverware on cream-colored china, and the laughter of our family and friends. The joy of it all was palpable, sinking into my skin and my bones and setting my young heart ablaze. I was happy then; Happy and free and innocent.

I wish that mere thoughts could take me back to that but they don't.

After waiting for what feels like hours, the sun shines just barely through my curtains and my naked feet hit cold hardwood with a light creak. I pull on fleece lined leggings and thick socks and slip an oversized sweater over my head. It's all armor in the battle against our drafty old house in the dead of winter.

I let my feet lead the way, woolen socks padding through the hall and down the stairs; careful to miss the squeaky one three steps down. My destination is a steaming cup of coffee and I can practically smell the roasted beans as I grow nearer.

Three more steps and then I'm frozen in the doorway and staring at a familiar broad back leaned over granite countertop. It's tense muscles covered in uniform black. The strong back I've gripped under my hands more times than appropriate.

My mind switches to overdrive and I think for a moment of fleeing back upstairs. As much as I crave his attention, I know he'll see right through me. I take a half step back, mid decision, and the floorboard beneath me groans at the shifting weight.

He spins around at the sound and all I see are wide green eyes staring back. The eyes in my dreams, the eyes I love.

"Bella." He pauses for a moment and scans my face and it feels like he sees every thought I've ever had. "Good Morning."

I swallow the lump in my throat and speak for the first time in 5 hours. "Morning."

"Coffee?" He moves out of the way of the coffee maker and takes a mug from the cabinet for me.

I nod small, not trusting the croak of my voice, and join him against the counter. My hand finds the yellow mug he procured for me and I pour a cup of the liquid I've been living off of lately. I drink it black, bitter and strong, and close my eyes at the taste and the burn against my tongue.

When I open my eyelids he's still there and watching me too closely. "Did you sleep at all?"

I think about lying but he'll know, he always does. Instead I shake my head, avert my gaze, and take another sip.

"Bella." He sighs loudly and even though I'm not looking at him, I know he's running a hand through dark auburn locks. "Are you taking what Carlisle prescribed?"

The truth is I'm not. I did for a while in an effort to try, in an effort to be normal again but it didn't help. I still had the nightmares; the only difference was that I wouldn't wake up clawing at the world like usual. I'd sleep through it all, every clear detail and sensation, every excruciating moment, and it felt like my own personal hell.

I don't tell Edward all of this, he's too involved as it is. I simply shake my head again and take another sip.

"You have to sleep." He moves closer and takes the cup of solace from my hands, setting it lightly on the counter. "Look at me."

I blink slow and swallow the lump in my throat. It's difficult to look at him so closely, to see the flecks of gold in his eyes and the rough stubble on his chin. At night, when he comes to save me, everything's basked in darkness and filtered moonlight and it's not as real. It's like a part of the dreams that plague me. But here, in the kitchen of our family home, covered in morning sun, it feels too heavy.

It's difficult to do, almost painful, but after too many seconds slipping by I do it. I do it because he asks me and after everything he's given me I can't deny him.

When my eyes meet his it's easy to see the concern there. He's worried, just like he confessed to me on the bridge last night.

"Your going to run yourself ragged." His voice is low and he brings a hand up to my face. The pads of the fingers find the soft skin under my eyes, running over the dark circles I know are there.

"You have to sleep Bella."

"I'm trying." I whisper the words that aren't entirely true.

"Are you?" I don't know how to answer him so I don't. Time ticks by and then he's withdrawing his hand and taking a step back with another heavy sigh.

"I need to go. I have to be at the station in ten minutes." He grabs his thermos before turning his attention back to me, the troubled stepdaughter overcomplicating his previously simple life. Even if he denies it, that's how it feels more often than not.

"I'll be home this evening." His pause hangs in the tense air between us. "Are you going to be here when I get back?" He wants to know if I plan on disappearing again.

I don't.

"Promise." He nods and shuffles his feet for a second before taking slow steps towards the door.

"Mom?" He stops and turns slowly to face me. The sun shines through the windowpane behind him and I swallow heavy at the sight.

"She left an hour ago. Said she had an early meeting before they open." I nod and try not to feel disappointed. I should have assumed her concern last night would be temporary.

And then he's opening the door with a creak and a comment about oiling the hinges when he gets home. With his absence comes quiet solitude and a gust of breathe I didn't realize I was holding. It's getting harder to pretend. It's almost impossible to act like I don't want more – _need_ more. He's quickly becoming too much to me but I don't know how to make it stop.

After the rumble of the cruiser's engine drifts away I let my tense muscles relax. I down the lukewarm coffee in three gulps and pour another cup before making my way back up the stairs to my room.

I spend the first part of my morning reading and responding to the worried texts from my friends. Not all of the 'friends' my mother called but the ones who cared enough to reach out. The friends who weren't scared off after bubbly Bella lost her way. After months of change and transformation only three brave souls managed to stick around. Angela: smart and kind and void of thoughtless words. She's the best friend I could ask for and I want to be better when she's around. Always by her side is her boyfriend Eric. He's funny but it's obvious to me that he only tolerates me for Angela's sake. And then there's Jacob. I've known him for most of my life and there's scarcely a soul that I can count on more. He's dark eyes and rough edges and loyal to a fault. After I text him back it's less than a minute later before his name flashes across the dull screen with an incoming call.

"Bella?" His deep voice is as urgent and worried as expected.

"Hi Jake."

"What the hell's going on Bells? Is everything okay?" I can't see him, but I know him well enough to know he's pacing. He's probably covered in oil and dodging strewn about tools in his backyard garage.

"I'm fine. I just needed some space. I didn't realize my mom would call everyone I know." I try to lighten the mood but it doesn't work. Of course it doesn't.

"Are you sure? She called pretty late and she sounded really upset."

"I'm fine Jake… honestly." There's a pause and I know he doesn't believe me. I don't blame him. My weak voice hardly sounds 'fine', even to my own ears.

"Well what are you doing today? Would you want to hang out?" He sounds hopeful and my stomach clenches knowing that I'll have to disappoint him.

"I think I'm just going to hang out here today. I need to rest and study for exams next week." It's all true and I feel a little better that I don't have to lie.

"Alright…well I guess I'll see you Monday then?" He still sounds so unsure, so worried.

"Yeah, I'll see you Monday." And then he's gone and I'm left with the silence and the guilt of the effects caused by my selfishness. I don't want to push everyone away but lately it feels like that's all I know how to do.

I study in silence until late afternoon when Renee arrives home with clicking heels over hardwood floors. I follow the sound of her, through the kitchen and up the stairs, past my room to the master bedroom at the end of the hall. I sit and listen until she goes back downstairs ten minutes later. She doesn't say hello or knock on my door and I wonder when it became this way with us. When did it change so much that she hardly felt to acknowledge my presence anymore?

In a sense it helps. If I'm honest, it would be a lot more painful to love her husband the way I do if we were still close. At the same time I feel like I need her more now than ever.

I resume my studies, trying hard not to dwell on it all, and I hardly notice Edward's arrival until their raised voices filter up the steps. It's hushed and undecipherable but I'm desperate to hear it. I tiptoe to the door with feather light feet and crack my door open as silently as I can.

"It's been over a year Edward! Of course it's a cry for attention." Her voice is strained and the words hit me like a brick. I shouldn't be listening to this. I don't want to hear how messed up they think I am. I grab the cold wood of the door, intent on closing it when he responds.

"It's not a fucking cry for attention Renee. She's suffering, can't you see that?" She scoffs in response and I'm holding my breath and waiting for what comes next.

"Suffering? We've paid for countless doctors, therapists, your _father_! We've given her help in abundance. What more are we supposed to do for her _suffering_?" She spits the word like acid.

"We can be here for her Renee. It's not going to be a simple fix. Even I don't fully understand what's going on with her but dammit I'm going to try." His words are laced with a conviction I haven't heard from him and I feel my heart clench at the sound.

"You coddle her Edward, that's what you do." It's a harsh accusation and I don't think I want to hear anymore. I don't need to know how she sees my relationship with Edward. I know it's unhealthy but it's easier to pretend that I'm the only who knows.

I close the door with a soft click and slide down the wall to the cold floor. The sound of their voices grows slowly louder as the minutes tick by until bare feet fall heavy up the stairs. I close my eyes sharply as they pass and flinch at the sound of a door slamming at the end of the hall. It's Renee I'm sure, running away from the fight. She's never been one for confrontation.

And then the sound of breaking glass rings shrill through the house followed by Edwards dull curse and I think I may have broken them.

With eyelids clenched too tight the images flash before my eyes again. I see their smiling faces, so in love. They kiss and the crowd cheers and claps and it's perfection. It's the happiest day of our lives. And then my eyes are open and there's nothing but my dark room and the aftermath of the disaster I've caused.


	3. Empty Nest

**Chapter Three: Empty Nest**

Winters in Forks, Washington have always been a miserable thing. The lush green disappears to be replaced by dull browns and grays and spots of bright white. When I was young I cherished the months of Holidays and flurries and Angels in the snow. Then the teen years hit and that quickly changed. I wished for sun and days at the beach with friends. In turn I hated the slurry and ice and perpetually damp clothes. I hated the need to bundle up just to walk the ten feet from car to shelter. I loathed the whole season beginning to end.

I used to feel that way, but not so much anymore.

I'm stepping out of my old truck into the school's icy parking lot and breathing in the chill like a drug. I close my eyes and pull the cold into my nose and then my lungs. It's crisp and harsh and makes me feel awake for the first time in days. It makes me feel alive.

My boots slide heavy through the watery slush as I take slow steps towards the stack of bricks where my exams await. I'm halfway there and avoiding the stares of my former friends when Jacob throws an arm over my shoulder.

"There you are. You had me worried Swan." He's towering over me, tanned skin and grinning wide and radiating warmth.

"You should be less worried about me and more worried about the Chemistry exam we have today." His smile falls and he's groaning dramatically.

"Don't remind me." And just like that everything feels easy again between us. It's always been blissfully uncomplicated with Jacob and I'm more thankful for that now than ever before.

I glance past him again, to Jessica Stanley and Mike Newton and their piercing stares. He follows my eyes and scoffs in annoyance.

"Fuck them." The bluntness of his words makes me snort and he's smiling again.

We walk into the dry heat, the building ablaze with the slamming of lockers and the chatter of students awaiting the forthcoming winter break. It's oddly comforting after the isolated feeling of the weekend.

Since the overheard fight, the house has been a tense and empty nest. Renee is nowhere to be seen and Edward is working the graveyard shift for the first time in months, years maybe. I hide away and in my room studying and avoiding the smothering sleep that chases me. Three dark and quiet nights so far I've been victorious and I have no intentions of ending the fight. I'll do whatever it takes to keep the nightmares at bay; whatever it takes to make them think I'm better. I'm tired of being responsible for their stress and worry. I'm tired of the way he looks at me, like I'm a broken vase he can't seem to piece back together. I'm ready to be back in control of my own life.

The rest of my Monday is a blur. It's reviews and study halls and a massive chemistry exam that I finish with ease. I blame it on the extra study time sleeplessness provides. I'm almost thankful for it until I catch a glimpse of sallow skin in the mirror and hear Edward's voice again in my ears.

' _You're going to run yourself ragged'._

Perhaps he's right.

After school I convince Angela to take a study break and we get milkshakes at the diner in town and make a pit stop at the drug store afterwards. She helps me pick out makeup without question and asks for advise on Christmas gifts for Ben. I don't know him nearly as well as Angela does but I listen regardless and help in the best I can. She deserves a better friend than the one I've been and I'm more than ready to fix that.

The rest of the week passes much the same. I breeze through exams and drink exorbitant amounts of coffee to stay awake. In the mornings I get an early start, using the extra time to cover the proof of my bad habit. After fifteen minutes of cover-up, and blush, and mascara it's nearly impossible to tell.

One morning I run into Renee in the kitchen as she pours caffeine into her thermos. I think she'll barely notice me but instead she does a double take.

"Bella." Her eyes light up just so and the corners of her lips lift into a smile. She's less harsh and more the beautiful woman I remember so well. She's my mother.

"You look nice this morning…" She pauses for a moment. "Did you do something with your hair?" She's as clueless as ever but she doesn't look worried and I feel successful.

My plan is effective until Thursday night when it all finally catches up to me, as I knew it eventually would.

It's the deadly silent time of night. the time when even trees are too tired to move. I'm halfway through a trig practice test when it takes me. It slips over my face in the sneakiest way and I don't have a chance to fight until I'm awake again, clenching wrinkled sheets and covered in cold sweat and tears. I don't remember the details but I don't need to. The faint memory of icy water confirms that it's the one, the replay of the worst night of my life, always varying in storyline and shitty ending.

I'm breathing heavy and I glance at the door, half expecting to see him there, ready to save me-ready to comfort me. He's not though and it makes my chest hurt all the more. My hands grip at a soft down pillow, pulling it over my mouth and muffling the sob before it escapes. I can't let all the progress go to waste. I am not sick. I am not _struggling_. I repeat it in my thoughts like a mantra.

I am not sick.

I am not _struggling_.

The words echo in my mind until the crying stops and the pillows gone and I feel like my lungs can work again. I'm lying still until everything evens out, feeling more awake than I have in days. It's minutes that tick by or maybe hours, I'm not sure.

The nighttime calm is all around me. I let it sink into my skull and heal my tortured thoughts. I stare up to the ceiling, letting my eyes trace over a water spot that's been there for as long as I remember, beige and sickly looking against lamp lit white. I shouldn't relate to a water stain but right now I do.

It's the distinct sound of the cruiser turning up the street that stops my lungs again. I lurch to the side and click off the bedside lamp with quick hands. The red light of my alarm clock tells me it's just after 5am. It's a time when the world is just starting to wake and he's doing the opposite, swimming against the current. I listen to the car idle as he sits there. I wonder what he's doing or more importantly, what he's thinking.

It's almost ten minutes later when the engine cuts and I hear the muffled sound of the door shutting. I listen as he draws nearer, unlocking the front door and ascending the stairs with practiced quiet. I wait for the squeak of the third step but Edward knows it as well as I do and the sound never comes. My eyes watch the small space under the door. There's no light there, it's a line of solid black but I stare regardless.

The toe of his shoe catches on the top stair with a dull thud and then he's cursing under his breath. He's so close but still too far away and when I hear him pause outside my door I'm half hoping he'll come inside and half hoping he won't. Does he reach a calloused hand toward the handle with a heart beating too fast? I don't know, have no way of knowing, but my creative mind imagines it all nonetheless. Along with it comes a devious thought. It tells me to turn the light on, to tell him I'm awake, I hear him. It's rooted in the part of my heart that misses him so much it hurts. It's surrounded in the memory of the last time he touched me, his finger brushing under my eye in the kitchen. It's the reality that he's always so close but so far out of reach.

He's moving then, retreating to his room, the room he shares with my mother, and I'm exhaling a sigh of relief. Maybe I am sick. Maybe I am struggling. It's just not entirely in the way they think. It's a part of why I'm not getting better and why I don't know when I ever will – if I ever will. It's more than nightmares and what happened more than a year ago. It's him and the pressing weight of what he means to me.

School ends that Friday with a trigonometry exam and a promise to my friends that we'll hang out over the holidays. It's a three-week break, but as I tread the distance from the school to my snow covered truck, it doesn't feel that way. Forks High School isn't the thing I need a break from. In fact, it's been a perfect source of distraction as of late.

After scraping ice and snow from the windshield, I drive my old truck to the used bookstore on the other side of town, intent on wasting as much time as possible. I leave two hours later with an armful of books and a dark sky above. Surprisingly, Renee is home when I arrive and cooking for probably the third time in her life. The kitchen is filled with sizzling sounds and the aroma of burnt bread.

"Mom?" I put my small tower of books on the kitchen table and walk closer to observe the phenomena.

"Hi Bella." Her voice sounds frazzled and on edge. She turns to me then with wide blue eyes and wrinkled forehead. "I'm making grilled cheese."

One glance to the pan before her and the plate of failures on the counter tells me she's been struggling at this for a while. "Do you want me to help?"

She breathes out heavy, a piece of hair flying up with the gust of air, and nods her head instantly. "Yes."

And then I'm laughing because I can't help it and so is she. It's the first time in a long time and it feels like the warmth of sun after a blizzard. Eventually we settle ourselves with heavy breaths and I get to work.

"For starters, the temperature shouldn't be on high." I turn the knob down and to my surprise she hovers over my shoulder and watches closely. I scrape her attempt from the pan and get to work at buttering fresh pieces of bread. Ten minutes later we're seated at the table with mouths of gooey cheese and accomplished smiles.

"You're a life saver honey." It's the nicest thing she's said to me in months and it feels like a turning point. Maybe we're not too far gone. Maybe there's still time to fix this chasm between us.

"What made you want to make grilled cheese all of a sudden?" It's a simple question and I'm a little surprised when it makes her halt mid-bite. She smiles small and puts the remaining half of her sandwich on the plate in front of her.

"My mother…well she didn't get a lot of things right but she could make a mean grilled cheese." She pauses for a moment, her eyes far away, before continuing. "I was thinking about her today and it made me crave one."

"You never talk about her." I watch her eyes get harder, colder, and I know it was the wrong thing to say. Whatever was happening here is certainly over, I'm sure.

"There's nothing to say." Her words are coated in a tone of finality. The conversation is over. This is further confirmed when she stands and tosses the remainder of her sandwich in the garbage. "I need to be up early tomorrow." And then she's gone and everything feels emptier than it did before.

I sit in the kitchen until my sandwich is cold and joining my mother's in the bin. I wash the dishes methodically and wipe down the countertops until they're sparkling clean.

I wish it was that easy to clean up the messy relationship with my mother. If only I could wipe away my problems with a sponge and soap. If only I could place the vicious memories in the dishwasher and turn the switch. If only I could throw these feelings for Edward into the trash along with the cold bread and cheese.

If only.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

 **Author's Note:** I want to start by thanking you all for the reviews! I hear your questions and theories and hope to answer them eventually (probably not in this last chapter though). For me, this chapter feels a bit like a filler. It's less action and more of a lead up to whats to come. Luckily, writing this inspired a lot of ideas for future chapters that I'm writing now and I think you'll all like. Thank you again for reading and I'll try to update soon!


	4. I'm on Fire

Chapter Four: I'm On Fire

I'm immersed at the start. Covered in gray and black and debilitating darkness. It's so impossibly cold and void of everything else.

After an immeasurable amount of time there's light. It's a bright white that filters through the water and shows him to me, his figure thrashing beside me. I see his eyes next. His beautiful eyes, they're wide and terrified like I've never seen them. Bubbles float from his mouth and I can hear the muffled cries, can feel the vibrations of it all around me. He has to calm down.

I reach an arm through the water but the seatbelts pulling and he's just out of reach, like always. After too many seconds grasping and struggling with the buckle holding me I know there's no use. I'll never reach him. I'll never _save_ him.

My lips open, intent on screaming his name, but there's no sound and my mouth fills with ice and dirt and something metallic. It's vile on my tongue and makes me feel more desperate, more panicked. The feelings are as sharp and piercing as the water surrounding.

I look to him again and he's flailing and then twitching.

From the feeling of burning emptiness in my own lungs I know. I know it's caught up to him the way it will catch up to me any second now. My heart clenches painfully the moment he stills. His beautiful eyes are too empty now, void of the sparkle when he laughs, void of the darkness when he's angry, void of everything I love so much about him.

I can see in those eyes that he's gone and everything hurts worse than it ever has. It's loss and drowning and I'm screaming his name over and over again in my mind, knowing that any second from now I'll be with him, wherever he's gone.

 _Edward!_

 _Edward!_

 _Ed-_

And then the world is shifting. The cold is gone but I'm still struggling to breathe and everything is blurred, hidden behind salty tears and darkness. It takes nearly a minute of fighting the hold and gathering my bearings to realize the water is gone and he surrounds me instead.

He's alive and holding me so close. The hands I haven't felt in over a week are running over my back in soothing circles and his breath is tickling my ear with whispered words. His stubble scrapes against the soft skin of my cheek and I breathe deep into his neck, smelling the pine and warmth and everything Edward. My hearts still beating fast but my clenched muscles slowly release.

"Edward?" I know it's him but I need to be sure it's real. I need to know that this isn't just a figment of my twisted mind. I pull back and lift my eyes and hands to his face. It's dark but I can see the life in his eyes, can feel the clench of his jaw under my fingers. "You're here." The last word is a sob and the feeling of relief is overwhelming.

"Hey, it's okay. Everything is okay." His voice is still a whisper and his hands are on my face now, wiping the tears away and rubbing my cheeks with the rough pads of his fingers.

"I tried but I couldn't…" I pause to breath deep and swallow the lump of fear lodged in my throat. "I couldn't save you. You were gone." Another stream of fresh tears but his hands are still there to catch them. "I can never save you."

"Bella, look at me." I do as he asks without hesitation. The moonlight shines against the white of his eyes and I can't see the green but I can see the heavy emotion there. "I'm right here." A feather light swipe of his thumb over my damp cheek." It was just a dream."

"It felt so real. It always feels so real." He's close and making no move to push me away and I couldn't be more thankful. I need the touch, I need to hold him in my hands as he allows, need to feel the tangible reality of his presence.

"I'm right here." His hands are less tentative now, holding to the sides of my face and my neck and making me feel more grounded. He knows what I need.

"I know." And then it's silence. I'm breathing his air and his scent and relishing in the touch I've ached for, the touch that burns hot and lulls me like nothing else.

"I thought it was getting better Bella." He's sad whispers and eyes that look too closely.

"I'm sorry." And I am. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep this from him. Sorry to make him worry so constantly. Sorry for making him hold me so close when we both know my bed's not where he should be. "I wish it were better. I wish _I_ were better." The last part is a whisper and I feel his jaw flexing again under my hands.

"Bella…" He moves even closer. He'll speak soft and convince me that it's all out of my control. It is but I'm tired of feeling so helpless, tired of feeling like a burden, tired of feeling so _tired_.

"Did she hear me?" I look up and into his eyes again. He doesn't respond but I know the answer. A sigh escapes my lips and I want to cry all over again. "I don't want to be like this. I don't want you both to worry." He's shaking his head and I let my hands drop finally, into my lap to wring the fabric of my tank top.

His hands fall as well and then they're warm on my bare shoulders as he speaks. "I know. Of course you don't-"

"I don't want _attention."_ I sounds every bit like the teenager I am but somehow it feels okay. These dark nights together are a void where words fall to never reemerge.

His eyes close and he's sighing loud. I imagine his hands would be in his hair if he weren't holding me. "You heard that?"

"Parts of it." I look down to the place where I nervously twist at the grey cotton of my tank top. Everything's gray at this time of night.

"She's just worried." He defends halfheartedly and I wonder if things really are that bad between them.

"You've been gone all week." I don't mean it as an accusation, it's just the next thing that comes to mind, but the way his hands fall away makes me think that's how he hears it. I'm still practically in his lap but it feels too cold and I think I'll say just about anything to feel his hands on me again.

"It's been busy…"

"Has it?" I counter the question exactly how he did when asking about my sleep. That was over a week ago.

"Has this been happening all week Bella?" One hand falls just above my knee, to the spot where my shorts end and skin begins. The feeling makes my stomach pool with warmth but my mind wonders briefly if he only touches me when he's worried, when he's trying to fix me. It's almost like he's trying to hold me together.

"No." It's truth enough. There's been nothing quite like tonight for weeks - months maybe.

It's so quiet, just the sounds of wind and gentle breathing. I look back up into his eyes after a beat and find him searching still, looking into the depths of my soul, into the recesses of my mind. I wonder if he knows how I feel. I wonder if he sees the fear in my eyes, feels the heavy beat of my heart. He's so close but I want him closer still. Does he feel the same?

The thought makes me feel even more naïve, makes me cringe internally and fight the urge to roll my teary eyes. In what world would this incredible man want anything close to that from me? Edward Cullen, the man who married my gorgeous mother on a warm evening in spring. He's selfless and strong and _good_. He risked his life to save me and I reward him with my obsession, with my inability to let him go. I have to though. He doesn't deserve this. I don't deserve him.

I move to pull away, shifting my hips and my legs slowly over the mattress, but then his hands are on my bare arm and gripping my leg tighter.

"I'm so sorry Bella. I shouldn't have stayed away so long. You shouldn't have to deal with all of this alone. " He's practically growling the words and I know he's beating himself up already. "Please don't be upset."

"You think I'm angry at you?" I'm too shocked to try to retreat again. He should be the angry one. He should be livid.

"Aren't you?"

"No…" _I need to go through this alone. I need to distance myself from you. I want more than you can give. I'll ruin you._ I want to say all of those things but they stick on the tip of my tongue. It's true but too selfish to speak.

"Promise me Bella." His voice is hoarse and almost pained.

"I'm not mad, I get it." He shouldn't have added those last words. I know it as soon as they fall from my lips and even more so when I see the cogs working in his brain. I see the question there, see him about to ask it but I interject before he can.

"It's late Edward. You should go to bed. We have a long trip tomorrow and we both know mom will make you drive." I see his shoulders fall and feel the movement in his hands.

"I'm not leaving until you go back to sleep." My laugh in response is breathy and humorless.

"So you're just going to sit here all night then?"

"If I have to." I add stubborn to the list of previous descriptors and shake my head. I look to his steely gaze and feel his fingers gripping tighter.

"You're impossible." This time I do roll my eyes. Even in the dim light he must see it, because then he's laughing. It's low and gravely and my twisted mind loves every moment.

I move away and surprisingly he lets me. Once my head is back on the cool pillow, Edward busies himself by draping the fluffy comforter over my form and taking the other side of the mattress. My eyes focus on his shadowy figure as he leans his back against the headboard. I'm staring through the darkness, watching his every movement, when his hand reaches out. His fingers find mine with a touch so light and then he's whispering again.

"Close your eyes Bella." And I do. My eyelids fall heavy and I focus my attention on the warmth and the weight of his hand in mine.

For the first time in a long time I'm not afraid.

* * *

When I see light again it's not in a car underwater. It's the faint glow of morning dusk against my curtains. It's his eyes shut tight and his face so peaceful next to mine. It feels so natural that I almost forget that I should be surprised. He _stayed_. It was unintentional, most likely but he stayed. He's asleep and so close and I let my gaze roam every inch of what's in front of me while I can. His long dark lashes, brushed against pale cheeks. His lips parted just so, begging me to lean forward and taste what I shouldn't want so badly. The faint lines across his forehead and beside his eyes, shallow river beds left as proof of the life he's lived. He's unshaven; sleep mussed hair, and soft breaths. I'm a heart so swollen with love and a small hand reaching out tentatively, fearfully, but unable to halt.

My fingers find his hair and despite how messy it looks it's feather soft to the touch. I concentrate on the sensation against my skin and work my hardest to lock the feeling deep in my mind. It's not enough and my hand moves on it's own accord, palm forming smooth to the curve of his jaw. I feel the muscle twitch as he moves just slightly in response, his eyelids fluttering quickly. My mind screams at my body to move the offending limb away but it feels so impossibly heavy now and I can't make it budge. Finally his eyes fall open and to my surprise his lips pull into a sleepy grin.

"Bella." His hoarse whisper sounds like a dream. Of course this is too perfect to be real.

But then his bright green eyes spring open in the way I first expected. They're alert at last and decidedly confused.

"I fell asleep?" I nod slow and let my arm fall when he sits up quickly. He rakes his face with quick hands before glancing back to me again.

"Did you sleep?" Another nod of my head and his smile is almost back. "Good."

"I should… I need to…" He pauses and takes a deep breath before continuing."We need to leave in a few hours." He's standing now and easing around my bed towards the wooden door, hanging slightly ajar. The air falls tense all around us and it's obvious to me how awkward he must feel. Coming to rescue me in the darkness of night is one thing but waking up at my side in the morning is another thing entirely.

His steps stop just short of the exit and he turns his body back to face me.

"I'm going to go pack." Another pause. Green eyes stare towards me and he's looking for something. I wish I knew what it was.

"Okay." My voice is equally as hoarse and I clear my throat as soon as it sounds. He stands there a moment longer, mouth opening and closing with a hand resting at the back of his neck.

"Okay," replies his smooth voice, sounding unsure. And then he's gone and the door is squeaking closed behind him.

I'm awake enough to know that this should harden my resolve. I should be even more worried about how close we've become. It should make it all the more obvious to me how badly I need to push him away. I don't think about that though.

All I can think about is the comfort of lying next to Edward and how it's the best sleep I've had in over a year.


	5. Welcome Home

**Chapter Five: Welcome Home**

It's nearly a five-hour drive from Forks to Oak Bay, where Edward's Parent's live. We're three hours into the drive and it's nothing but tension. It's the cheerful taunting hum of Christmas music through the radio. It's my mother in the passenger seat holding a manicured hand to her forehead and staving off the carsickness. It's Edward, gripping the wheel and cursing under his breath when a car cuts us off for the third time. And it's me, sitting in the backseat and trying not to focus so much on his overwhelming presence in the small space. It's me begging my mind to stop the images of him in my bed, the memories of his hands on my skin. In my fantasies it's far more than his need to fix me. It's want and desperation and throwing the guilt away.

I glance up to the rearview mirror where hard green eyes stare ahead. After a moment, they look back to me and it's moss and soil meeting in the reflection. It's quick and not nearly enough time to read him in the way I want to so desperately. He fell asleep at my side last night and while my hearts already dreaming about it happening again I can't help but fear that he views it as a mistake. How could he not?

"Pull over." My mother croaks out the request as she motions to a gas station ahead.

I watch for his reaction in the mirror, see the way his eyebrows pull together in concern. "Alright." He reaches over and grabs for her hand but she quickly swats it away.

She's breathing deeply and gripping at the door handle as soon as we're in the parking lot. "Want me to run in and get you some ginger ale?" I want to help and I'm also hoping to avoid any alone time with Edward. Time where I could easily slip and reveal to him pieces of my messed up feelings.

"No," is her clipped response as she dashes from the car and speed walks to the glass doors.

"She should have taken something before we left" I suggest. He nods and looks back to me again in the rearview.

"She said the motion sickness medicine makes her sleepy." I don't say it but the thought is there. _Lucky her._ I crave peaceful rest more than chocolate.

"You've been so quiet back there I thought maybe you had knocked out." He turns to face me just in time to catch the 'you're kidding me' stare on my face. And then the car is filled with his bright smile and deep rumbling laughter and I can't help but smile back. _It's been so long._

It's merely a thought but he pauses and I realize I spoke the words out loud. "So long since what?"

Despite the blush I'm certain has covered my cheeks, I know I have to answer him. I don't want him thinking it's something to do with my problems. Even though right now, I'm starting to include him in that category.

"Since you laughed like that." I avert me eyes, knowing all too well the admiration he'll find there.

"Yeah, you're right." I can't help but look at him then, still turned in his seat with hair disheveled and Adam's apple bobbing. His bottom lip looks slightly chapped but he's just as attractive as ever and my arm wants to reach again, to touch him again in the free way I had before. "I guess I've been a bit serious lately."

His words reflect on his face and the smiles gone and I'm changing the subject before it can get any more 'serious'. Before I think anymore about doing something I'll surely regret. "How much longer do we have?" We've spent the Holidays with the Cullen's before but it's been years.

He glances back towards the GPS and then the front of the store before he answers. "About an hour, give or take."

I nod in response and readjust in my seat before he speaks again. "You're okay with this right?" I must read as confused as I feel because he elaborates quickly. "Christmas with the Cullens. I know we didn't run it by you really but your mom thought it sounded like a nice change of scenery."

"I love your family Edward." It's true, I've always loved the Cullens.

"They're your family too you know." He nudges my denim-clad knee with his hand and I wonder if his need to touch me is as strong as my need to be near to him.

"I'm excited to see everyone."

He smiles again and then it's his velvet voice. "Me too."

Renee is back in the car then and complaining of the state of the gas station bathroom. She clutches a bottle of ginger ale for the rest of the ride and we pull into the Cullen's drive by late afternoon. Their home is just as large and welcoming as I remember. It's bright white and stately and perched on a piece of land backing up to the bay. Pine garland and warm lights hang from the porch awning, accented by lit wreaths donning the windows. It looks like Christmas and as I step from Edward's SUV it feels like It too. I pull the cool air into my lungs with closed eyes and when they open again a moment later it's to the sight of gray clouds hanging low. It'll snow soon. It's beautiful here and even if they didn't ask, my mother was right, I'm happy for the change.

Edward's unloading the trunk when his parents come out to greet us, both bundled in coats and smiling sincere. His mother, Esme pulls me into a warm hug and I inhale her scent. It's the sweet smell of snicker doodle cookies and I'm sure she spent her morning baking. I ache to be back in Esme's kitchen at the thought. It's large and perfectly accommodating for a professional chef or an amateur Julia Childs such as myself.

Once we're inside and peeled out of parkas and boots, Esme shows us to our rooms. Renee and Edward are in a suite upstairs and I'm staying in a room on the first floor adjacent to the sunroom. It's smaller but looks out over the manicured back yard and the cool blue water of the bay. The walls are a wallpapered plaid and the comforter is fluffy white. It feels like home. It's perfect.

Half an hour later I'm exactly where I want to be, in the kitchen peeling potatoes while my mother and Esme prepare the pot-roast and vegetables. Esme does most of the work because we all know my mother's skill level but everyone's smiling and it's the way I remember the Holidays since Edward. It's all the parts I missed last year.

"Alice is coming in late tonight and Emmett and the girls will be here tomorrow morning. " Esme catches us both up on the Christmas itinerary and when to expect Edward's siblings. His family is large and loud and close. It's much different from Renee's family. We were all we had for years until Edward came along. Christmas's consisted of my mother and me decorating a tree small enough for the two of us to carry and ordering dinner from a diner downtown. It was simple but we were as thick as thieves then and it was more than enough. I can hardly imagine going back to that now though.

Distracted momentarily by my thoughts, I feel the potato peeler in my hand slip and cut into the soft flesh of my finger. It stings instantly and I hiss against the pain. When I look down the sight of sticky red makes my stomach turn and I swallow back the instinct to gag. Luckily, Esme's motherly senses kick in and she's by my side in an instant. Minutes later I'm cleaned up with a band-aid over the cut and being ushered out of the kitchen practically kicking and screaming.

"Esme, I'm fine, honestly." I glance at her over my shoulder as I speak.

"Honey, Your mom and I have it under control. As much as I appreciate your willingness to help..." She pauses and gives me one of those kind Esme looks. " You need to heal before I'm letting you back in the kitchen. Nobody likes blood in their food unless it's a rare steak." I catch a glimpse Renee just before I'm through the doorway and I almost laugh at the panicked look on her face as she eyes the simmering meat on the stove.

"The contestants on Chopped cut their hands all the time." It's a last ditch effort and I know it won't work even though I hope it might.

"Those Chopped people aren't cooking in my kitchen though are they? Now run along. I think I saw Carlisle and Edward head out back. Maybe you can keep them company." I sigh loudly and I swear I hear her giggle as she makes her way back in the room where I'm not allowed.

Heavy feet thump over the floor and lead me to the sunroom. It's filled with plants of every kind, bright light, a comfy cream-colored couch, and a complete view out to the yard where Edward and his father stand. They're facing the cool blue water and my eyes clutch tightly onto Edward as he throws his head back, laughing animatedly at something Carlisle's said. He's perfect when he laughs and I briefly picture a life where things are different. Where he's not married to my mother and I'm older and things are allowed to be different. They're not though and realistically my options are sparse. I can either push him away, the noble choice, or attempt to take what I want, effectively throwing any chance at a relationship with my mother into a bottomless chasm and risking everything I have. The decision is obvious but harder to enact than it seems.

Cool air rushes against my skin, pulling me from my thoughts and back to the present where the object of my daydreams and his father are brushing their boots off at the door.

"Bella!" It's Carlisle's jovial greeting that finds me first. "I'm surprised you're not cooking with Esme."

I smile small at the look of confusion on his face and hold up my bandaged finger.

"She kicked me out."

He laughs then and Edward's brows pulled together in concern. "You're hurt?"

"Just a small cut. Clumsy me decided to peel my hand instead of the potato." He cringes in response and Carlisle steps closer.

"Edward, do you mind checking in on the girls? I thought I might catch up with Bella." His words are casual but the knowing look on Edward's face gives them away.

They've been talking about me.

He nods and then he's gone and it's just Carlisle and me and the glistening bay.

"How are you Bella?" I know what he means but I attempt to deflect anyway.

"I'm happy to be here." He grins then and takes the empty spot on the couch beside me.

"We're happy you're here too." We're both smiling and he allows me a moment of peaceful quiet before he continues.

"How are you _sleeping_ Bella?" There's a notable shift in his tone and he's all Dr. Cullen now.

"Not great."

"Have you tried some of my suggestions?" He clasps his hands together in his lap and I imagine he's itching for a notepad to write this down on.

"All of them."

"And the pills I prescribed…" I look to my lap then.

"I tried them. They helped with the sleep but not the rest." I don't elaborate but he knows what I mean. We've been through it all.

"Have you found anything at all that helps?" _Edward._ The thought jumps to the fore front of my mind before I can stop it but luckily it doesn't escape my lips. As true as it is I don't need Carlisle to know that the only peaceful rest I've found is by my stepfather's side.

"No." He sighs slowly and when I spare him a glance I know that he's pondering something. His blonde brows are furrowed and his blue eyes are swimming in deepest thought. He looks so much like Edward but different still in so many ways.

"A Colleague of mine has a similar case. It's not quite the same but I wouldn't mind picking his brain on the matter." His head shoots up and he looks towards me again. "If you don't mind that is?"

"I don't mind." I offer a small smile in reassurance and he slaps his knee as if to say 'it's settled.'

"In the meantime. I've ordered some tea from Vietnam that I found might help. It's lavender and chamomile and valerian root. It came in yesterday and I'd be interested to see how it works." He raises a brow and I almost laugh at how excited he looks about this new discovery.

"Sounds good. I'll try it tonight." He's smiling wide then and I'm feeling immensely grateful to have the Cullens in my life, people who care so deeply.

I think I can hardly feel happier but then Edward's sister Alice arrives during dinner and smashes that notion to bits. She's younger than Edward by eight years and older than me by five, though she often hardly acts it. We're always been close and we're both squealing when we collide in a tight hug.

"Bells! It's so good to see you." She pulls back slightly and drops her mouth open in surprise. "Is that makeup on your face?"

I nod, slightly embarrassed by how loudly she asked the question, and then she continues. "They grow up so fast. We're working on this wardrobe next." She pulls me into another quick hug before pulling away entirely with a wink.

It's a warm embrace with Esme and Carlise next, followed by an awkwardly stiff hug with Renee. They don't dislike each other per se but neither of them has ever made much of an effort. I suspect that Renee has always viewed Alice as a child. I also suspect that Alice doesn't give a rat's ass what my mother thinks.

Alice moves to take the empty seat beside my before Edward's voice breaks through the noise. "What am I, chopped liver?" She jokes that he's worse than liver but in reality their close despite the gap in age.

Once the hugs are wrapped up, we're eating again. It's perfectly cooked roast beef stew, the chatter of catching up, and the strength I muster to keep my eyes away from Edward. He sits directly across from me, smiling at something Esme's said with bright white teeth and a shallow dimple. With my mother at his side, they look, once again, like the picture perfect couple and it stirs something ugly in my chest. I focus on swallowing after I chew but almost choke when his knee brushes accidentally against mine under the table.

Even in the midst of all this happiness I can't make it go away.

I wonder to myself when it got so bad and how the hell I plan on pushing him away.

How can I give up one of the best things in my life?

I don't know but I need to do it soon.


	6. Cope

**Chapter Six: Cope**

The sun is hidden behind sheets of white and gray but I imagine its mid afternoon. My boots sink into the damp earth and the cool breeze licks the skin of my cheeks until I can practically feel how red they must be. I've been standing here for half an hour at least, looking out over the rippling water and seeking a moment of silence in the midst of Christmas Eve noise. Edward's brother, Emmett, arrived this morning with his wife Rosalie and two giggling daughters in tow. Emmett's a giant teddy bear, always prepared with a joke, and Rosalie could easily pass for a model. They're more in love than any couple I've ever seen.

It usually makes me happy to see a relationship like theirs but since they've arrived my mother's turned up the volume of public displays of affection exponentially. It's hand holding, side hugs, and casual fingers running through Edward's hair. Maybe it's real happiness. Maybe this place is working on her like it is me. Maybe it's finally convinced her of what she's been missing, what she's been taking for granted. Either way, the sight of it all burns deep in my chest and after an hour of decorating the Christmas tree with the lovebirds I had to escape. Before long my resolve would break and everyone would see my true face, the one coated in jealousy instead of makeup. I couldn't do that to him and I certainly couldn't do it to the Cullens.

The crunch of footsteps descends as someone approaches but I don't turn until they're at my side.

"Sweetie." Renee's voice sings in my ears like fly's wings and her arm wraps securely around my back. "What are you doing out here in the cold?"

"I just needed some fresh air."

"It doesn't get fresher than this." It's quiet for a beat, nothing but the sounds of water lapping against the ground and branches blowing in the breeze. I want to be angry with her but I can't. He's her husband. He made vows to her and her to him. She didn't ask for any of this anymore than I did. We're both coping and not always in the best of ways.

"They can be a bit overwhelming." Her voice breaks the silence and my wandering thoughts.

"A bit." I throw a smile her way and nod my head in agreement. "They're pretty great though."

"You know…When Edward suggested this I had my reservations but I think it was a good idea." There wasn't a question asked but she looks to me when she's through, waiting apparently for my opinion on the matter. I wholeheartedly agree but I'm shocked momentarily by the revelation that Edward lied about whose idea this was and for what reason I don't know.

"It's been a nice change." She smiles and gives me a look that feels like old times.

"Come back inside. We're almost done with the tree." I agree to the suggestion and we trudge up the hill back to the house. Back to the Cullen's and the family we've infiltrated by some sheer strike of luck.

The rest of the day is cooking and merrymaking and keeping Katie and Elizabeth from sneaking a peek at their presents. Esme assesses my 'injury' and allows me to assist with dinner preparations and it's a Christmas gift in itself. After dinner is served and promptly devoured, we clean up and decide on Christmas movies.

Alice and the twins set up 'the Grinch' in the den and everyone else settles into the living room for 'It's a Wonderful Life'. It used to be my favorite but shortly into the film and doesn't feel that way anymore. Everyone's coupled up on the couch and loveseat and I'm curled in a solitary chair, trying not to think too hard about the story line.

The question of how different things would be without me feels too real, too relevant, and I feel hot tears falling from my eyes before I can stop them.

Quick hands wipe at my cheeks as discretely as I can and I spare a flickering glance around, checking the faces of my family to see if anyone's noticed the slip.

It's Edward's eyes that meet mine from across the room and I shouldn't be surprised. He's always so in tune to my coursing feelings. My mother is seated flush against his side and his arm drapes casually around her. I swallow at the sight, fighting a grimace, and hope he hasn't noticed my observation.

After too long, I slip my eyes away from his and back to the screen where figures in black and white run amongst the snow. I wait a few more minutes before I quietly stand and leave the room. A quick glance back tells me that no one's noticed my exit, no one but him. As much as I want him to, I know he won't follow and a part of me is exponentially grateful.

When I find Alice she's focused on the sights in Whoville while the twins sleep soundly at her side. A smile fills her face when I approach but falls as I get nearer.

"Are you okay?" I'm confused momentarily but remember the stupid makeup and how obvious my tears must be.

"It's a Wonderful Life always makes me cry." She nods, accepting my partially true excuse and pats the seat cushion beside her.

After I sit, she turns gingerly towards me, so as not to wake the girls, and whispers the questions I'm sure she's been waiting to ask. "So, how's Junior year? How's life in Forks?"

"Junior year is boring. Forks is cold and also boring." Her laugh sounds, like tinkling bells, before she continues.

"Sounds a lot like Udubb. Any boys?" She enunciates the s with a snakelike sound and I can't help but laugh.

I shake my head in response to her question and she scoffs with a roll of her eyes.

"None? What about that Jacob boy? I haven't seen him in a while but I'm sure he's grown up be quite the ladies man."

"Oh he has, but he's just a friend." I'm smiling still and thinking about Jacob and the ridiculous lines I've heard him use with girls.

"What about Edward?" My eyes snap back to hers at the question and I think I must have missed something she said.

"Edward?"

Her shining smile is smaller now and her eyes are soft. Suddenly the rooms too quiet and she's sitting too close.

When she doesn't elaborate I continue. "I'm not sure I know what you mean."

"You know exactly what I mean Bella." Even though her voice is calm and un-agitated, the knowing look on her face tells me everything.

She knows.

"How…" I pause and push away the instinct to run and not look back. "Is it that obvious?"

"No, I'm sure no one else knows."

I glance over my back to make sure we're alone. "How do you?"

"I'm incredibly observant." _And studying psychology,_ I add to myself when she pauses. "To be honest, I wasn't sure but the panicked look on your face just now confirmed it."

"Do you hate me?"

"No, of course not." Her voice is sincere and I sigh in relief knowing that she means it.

"Don't worry, I'm handling it." She raises her brows in question. "I'm not going to act on it Alice. I know how messed up this is." I stare at Katie's stuffed animal lying forgotten on the floor. I can't bear to look at Alice, not now.

"What you…What you _both_ went through last year. It's not crazy that this happened Bella."

I know she's right. After everything I never saw this coming and by the time I did I felt completely powerless to stop it. Until now that is. Now I'm resolved to impede these ever-growing feelings.

"Do you love him?" Her question cuts like a dull blade and I'm fighting back tears for the second time tonight.

A quick nod is my confirmation and I hear her rough sigh.

"I'm sorry." Her hand is on my flannel-covered knee then and I muster the courage to meet her gaze. "You know you can talk to me Bella. If you ever need me, I'm just a phone call away." I nod and wipe at my damp cheeks again.

"Thank you."

"I'll never really understand your situation. I know that. But…" She stops for a moment, breathing deep with brows furrowed. "I understand what it's like to love someone you shouldn't."

Her eyes meet mine and they're just as open and vulnerable as I feel.

"Who?"

"My professor." Her eyes are far away, most likely picturing the object of her affection in her mind. "He's ten years older than me and engaged to boot." It's the first time I've seen confident Alice look so shaken and I put my hand on hers in support.

"We kissed right after finals. I know it was wrong and I'm sure he thinks it was a mistake but I just wish things were different." Everything she's saying is a reflection of my internal monologues these past few months. I hate to see her going through this but knowing I'm not entirely alone feels like a weight lifted.

"I know exactly what you mean…about wishing things were different."

She tells me more about Professor Whitlock and listens to the few details I reveal about my feelings for Edward. It's freeing to admit even a portion of how I feel knowing that Alice is a trusted confidant. We talk until Emmett and Rose emerge to take the girls to bed. The next hour is spent setting up for Christmas morning and then everyone is off to bed at last. I sit in my room for a while, looking at the moon reflected on the bay and listening to the sounds of the family settling in for the night. It's a comforting sound, a comforting place. I haven't seen Edward's family since the hospital after the crash but they're unchanged. The same caring people with eyes so keen to see the real Bella past what happened.

When it's sufficiently quiet, my feet guide me over polished hardwoods to the kitchen where I make a cup of Carlisle's tea. If sleep does find me tonight I don't want to wake up kicking and screaming with the Cullens standing around me. I cup the warm mug in my hands as I take quiet steps back to my room but stop short when I see him.

Edward sits in the dark sunroom, basked in moonlight. He's faced away and the notion that he hasn't seen me itches at my feet, begging them to move before he does. I don't though, not when my heart aches for even the briefest moment alone with him. It's a constant battle and I never know what part of me will win. Tonight he decides with the turn of his head and the glimmer in his eyes. As soon as he's looking my way, my feet are moving and then I'm sinking into the couch cushion at his side.

"You're up late." The whisper escapes my lips before I turn to face him. He's running a hand through his hair and because of the moonlight I can see him so much better than I usually can at this time of night.

"So are you." I clutch the mug in my hands tighter and take a sip.

"Carlisle's magical tea. I'm sure he told you about it." He doesn't confirm that they talked bout me but he nods in understanding.

"I couldn't sleep either. It's weird sleeping upstairs." He sinks further into the couch, feeling as comfortable in my presence as I do his.

"What do you mean?"

"You're staying in my old room." He throws a crooked smile my way and I resist the urge to scoot closer.

"Really? You had a nice view." Another whisper. Another sip.

"I thought so too." It's quiet then, just the sound of wind against the window and a clock ticking on the wall.

"Mom told me this was your idea, Christmas at the Cullen's." I don't accuse him of lying. I'm not even upset, just curious about why he skewed the truth to begin with. I set the half empty mug on the coffee table before us and busy my hands with the hem of my shirt in the silence that follows.

His hands are in his hair again and then one is reaching out and grabbing mine. It's warm and strong and makes my body still and my eyes flutter closed.

"I thought it would be good for you…for us." Another brief pause and I let my eyes open to see him staring down at where our hands meet. "For all of us."

"It has been." His gaze snaps back to mine then.

"I'm glad." His eyes are soft and looking at me in a way that makes me feel like the only person in existence, makes me feel like leaning forward and getting as close to him as I can. A finger ghosts over my cold skin and tickles against my palm. It's all so intimate and it makes me want to ask all the questions resting uncomfortably on the tip of my tongue.

 _Did you mean to sleep by my side?_

 _Do you know how I feel?_

 _Do you feel the same?_

Lately it feels like he might but I reason that it's wishful thinking. Foolish thinking more like. It's the type of thinking that can break my mother's heart. The kind of thinking that destroys this carefully built family. I'm not a stupid girl but these thoughts make me feel like one.

He squeezes my hand before releasing it and leans forward. I think I must be dreaming. He's leaning so close, impossibly close and then he's whispering soft.

"Merry Christmas Bella." And then his soft lips are pressed against my cheek and my eyes are closing shut. It's much too fast and leaves me craving more.

"We should try to sleep. I'm sure the girls will be waking everyone up before the sun's out." His smile is shifting then, it's something tender and loving and I know it's because of the girls. For the first time I wander about whether Edwards ever wanted children. Is it something him and Renee have discussed? I don't know the answer but I'm certain that my mother would disagree with any such suggestion. She's never admitted as much but I have my suspicions that she never intended to be a mother to begin with.

He's standing then, the ruffling noise disrupting the quiet and he offers his hand for me to grab. I oblige out of politeness and the absolute need to touch him and nearly sigh with content when I do. He walks me hand in hand to the room where I'm staying, his room, and for a brief moment he hesitates and I think he might follow my steps inside. Instead he whispers an almost indecipherable goodnight and drops my hand before disappearing up the steps like a mirage.

If only my feelings for him were as easy to get rid of as the man himself.


	7. Teenage Fever

**Chapter Seven: Teenage Fever**

Burning heat slides down my throat for the fourth time tonight. It's sears it's way into my stomach and over my skin until I'm floating. It's my first time drinking alcohol but with the way I feel now I don't quite understand why people think it's a problem. It feels like freedom; Freedom from my thoughts, from my problems, from _him_. I'm Alice in Wonderland hurdling down the rabbit hole and I don't ever want to stop.

Abandoning the empty shot glass, my hand clutches at a red plastic cup, half full of magic laced punch, and I float out of the crowded kitchen in search of Angela. The corners of my path blur before me and glossed lips pull into another smile. Tonight's an endless string of smiles and I can't seem to make them stop. Not even when I remember the day in the car nearly a week ago. The day when I lied without meaning to and his eyes were flecked with emerald anger.

 _Christmas day passes too quickly and then it's the day after and we're in the gift packed car on our way back to Forks. Renee agrees to take motion sickness medicine at Esme's insistence and sits barely awake in the front seat, adjusting the radio dial occasionally, and holding Edward's hand with a renewed strength. It fortifies my resolve to shift. It's time to move on, time to grow up, time to get over Edward. He hasn't admitted as much but I know he sees how unhealthy it is. How could he not? When we're back in Forks things will change. I will change._

 _My pocket vibrates enthusiastically with a text from Angela. She asks how my Christmas was and invites me to a New Years Eve party at Ben's parent's house. I've never been to a true high school party, have never felt the need to, but it feels like a promising first step toward normalcy._

" _Can I go to a New Years Eve party with Angela?" My voice sounds too loud after an hour of quiet. Renee jumps and turns quickly and I think I may have startled her but she's smiling and I take it as a good sign._

" _A party?" Her voice sounds clearly interested. I know she'll agree._

" _Yeah, her boyfriend Eric is having people over. It'll probably just be some kids from school."_

" _That sounds like fun." Renee's eyes are lit up like a Christmas tree. "Well I don't see why not."_

" _Hold on." Edward speaks up for the first time, voice tense. We come to a halt at a red light and one glance to the rearview mirror tells me he's annoyed._

" _Oh come on Eddie, don't be a killjoy." Renee pats his thigh with her free hand but the look in his eyes doesn't waver._

" _I just think there are a few important questions we should ask." Renee doesn't respond to his terse tone but throws her hands up with a shrug._

" _Will there be drinking at this party? Will his parents be home?" He's no longer holding my mothers hand and I can see the whites of his knuckles on the steering wheel. He sounds more like a stepfather than ever and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth._

" _I don't know, but seeing that this is Angela and Ben we're talking about I doubt it will be a rager." I stop just short of rolling my eyes and see the irritated glare he shoots me in the mirror as the car takes off. "I can ask her and see." I type a quick text to Angela requesting answers to Edward's questions and throw my phone into the empty seat beside me with a thump._

" _I don't think it's a good idea." His voice is low and gravely. It simultaneously irritates me and sends my stomach rolling with warmth._

" _Edward, I think it'll be fine. Besides, we'll both be gone and I'd hate for Bella to be alone on New Years Eve." My mother's swatting at him again and I briefly wonder if the motion sickness pills are making her loopy._

" _Both?" He casts a glance my mother's way with brows furrowed._

" _Well you'll be working of course and I'll be in Seattle with Jan." Janet Waldrop, Renee's recently divorced friend and co-owner of my mother's bridal boutique. She's loud and brash and I've never liked her but it hardly matters to my mother._

 _Edwards's brows are still pulled together and my mother continues with a tone of mock confusion. "I did tell you didn't I?"_

" _No." He shakes his head with a tired voice and I have a feeling they'd probably be arguing if I weren't in the car._

 _The conversation ends but my mother tosses a quick wink my way and I know it's settled._

My foot stumbles over the edge of a rug and I'm falling from the memory and into a warm chest. It's a wool sleeved lettermen jacket and the scent of beer stained breath. It's fucking Mike Newton. I didn't think anything could pull me from this buzz but I may have found it.

"Whoah there Swan." He's holding my shoulders while glazed eyes scan over my form. I'd been hesitant to wear the black shimmering dress Alice gifted me on Christmas morning but Angela had convinced me. Now, with Mike's eyes caressing every curve and inch of exposed skin, I wish I'd covered up from head to toe.

"How's it going beautiful Bella?" His words are slightly slurred and his face is too close. Hands skim, uninvited, down my arms to my hips and grip tight. I use my free hand to shove against his chests and somehow manage not spill punch on the expensive looking rug.

"Hey!" He holds his hands up in mock surrender and I want to knock the smug look off his face. "No need to push. I'm just making _pleasantries_." He says the word like it's something sexual and I feel my stomach lurch. What a creep.

"God, Bella you look-"

"Mike, you found her." Angela's voice rings into my ears like bells and relief floods my senses.

"Angela!" When I hear myself it sounds too loud and the look on my savior's face confirms that it is.

"Bella and I were just talking." His words ooze over everything like sludge and I scrunch my nose in disgust.

Angela smiles wide and attempts to hold back her laughter as she directs me back toward the kitchen. "We're going to go get some water. Thanks Mike."

When I turn back to look at her she's still smiling. "You're too nice."

She shakes her head before responding with a quiet "Maybe so."

Angela's small hands continue to grip at my arm, dragging me into the crowded room while I tell her I already have a drink and giggle more than I have in months.

"Okay, you need to drink this." She's taking away my punch and replacing it with another red cup filled with clear water and I jut my lip out in a pout. "You'll thank me tomorrow."

I'm about to argue but then Ben is in front of us and looking stressed. Music vibrates through the air accompanied with the countless conversations happening all at once and it's impossible to concentrate on what he's saying. I give up and let my eyes wander the room to people dancing and leaning against counters and clutching to their own plastic cups. Mike stands in the doorway to the living room, staring still with harsh blue eyes, and I have the urge to flip him off.

"Bella." Angela grabs my shoulders, forcing my gaze away from Mike and back to her. "Ben needs my help with something. Will you be okay if I leave you here for a few minutes?" I'm shaking my head before she's even finished speaking.

"Don't leave me." My plea is whiny and shrill but I don't have the strength to change it.

"I'll stay with her." It's a deep familiar voice and when I turn, my eyes find Jacob Black. He's smirking down at me and I throw my arms around him on instinct.

"Jake!" He's warm and his chest rumbles against my cheek when he laughs.

"Hey Bells."

"Hay bales!" I repeat in a fit of giggles and his chest vibrates again over the sound of his beating heart.

I peel myself away after too long and Angela's gone but Jacob's just as relaxed as always.

"Where have you been?"

He smiles, crooked and dimpled, before he speaks. "Here and there."

I snort in response and take a sip of my drink, nearly spitting it out when I taste water on my tongue instead of the punch expected.

"You're so cool Jacob Black." He shakes his head and sips from the beer in his hand in slow motion. _So cool._

He responds with a deep voice but I can't understand him over the chaos around us.

"It's too loud in here." I'm yelling now and he laughs again before he grabs my hand in his and leads me through the crowd. It's a blur of bottles and cans and staring eyes and then we're outside and the cold feels like a hug from an old friend. The wind licks against tree branches and fireworks explode somewhere in the distance. I don't see them though; there are no fiery colors, just darkness and the dull light filtering through the windows from inside.

"We're outside." I hear my voice before I realize I've spoken and I think that my verbal filter may be entirely abolished by the liquor coursing through my body.

"Correct." His voice sounds from my side and I realize his warm hand is still clasped in mine and I can't seem to mind.

He lifts his bottle again and I watch amazed as he brings it gently to his lips to take a pull. His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows and then dark eyes are on me and I still don't look away, I can't. I remember looking at him like this before, before my life crashed into that lake and went to shit. I remember thinking how handsome he'd become, how maybe things could be different between us. Our friendship had always been so easy and it felt like something more than friends made perfect sense. I harbored that crush on him for months until last December when Edward saved me and became all that I could see.

"I like your dress." His voice is soft but loud in my ears and he grabs at the fabric with our joined hands.

"Alice." His smile shines through the darkness as he shakes his head.

"I should have known with all those sparkles." Brown eyes stare at me, pressing into my skin and bones but I don't look away, fueled with a liquid confidence I've never felt. Fueled by memories and thoughts of what could have been.

"Aren't you cold?" My question breaks the silence and I nod towards his arms, barely covered by the short sleeves of his black tee.

"Nah, I like the cold." His boot scuffs against the concrete as he kicks his leg out. "Come here."

And then we're moving away from the house and he's leading me down the dark driveway. I'm confused but not enough to do anything about it. I trust Jake more than myself lately. We stop halfway to the road and I can still hear the thump from the music but the lights from the house are gone. "Look."

My eyes find him in the dark, covered in pale bluish gray with his head tilted back and his eyes to the sky. I follow his gaze and gasp out loud at what I find. We're away from the canopy of trees and the cloudless night looms before us. It's a nearly full moon surrounded by swirls of twinkling stars. They seem to move is twisting paths around each other but I fear it's probably my foggy mind playing tricks. Regardless, it's incredible and I pull myself closer to Jake, happy I can share it with him, happy to feel like myself again.

"It's beautiful." He doesn't respond and I don't look at him, I can't, not with the sight before me. His warm arm rests comfortably against my shoulder and his hand squeezes mine with purpose. Silence stretches on for hours it seems, until all I hear is the hum of the night sky and symphony of light amongst the black and blue. I want to stay here forever. This spot next to my best friend with nothing but the sky in my mind.

"You're beautiful." I think I may have imagined his far away voice but then he squeezes my hand again.

I don't know where his beer disappeared to, but suddenly his other hand is on my cheek and guiding my eyes to his, guiding my mouth to his. I don't have time to react and even if I did everything is slower, my movements, my thoughts, my judgments. I feel his lips first, warm and soft against my own. It's gentle and then he groans in the back of his throat and it's more urgent, more needy. His hand pulls loose from mine and finds a place on the small of my back and he's pulling my closer until I'm flush against him. Everything is warm and spinning like a carousel in my mind and I realize that my lips are moving too and it feels good. Time disappears and it's just us molding together, lips touching and hands gripping.

And then the pale blue light of the moon grows bright and Jacob pulls away from me like my skin burns too hot. I suck the cool air into my lungs and reach back out to him but he's taking step back and he's not focused on me anymore. He's looking to my left with wide eyes and I'm confused until I follow his gaze to the source.

It's the vivid blue of shining lights atop a police car and the face I know too well.

It's _him_.

It's Edward.

"Oh no."


	8. Sowing Season

**Chapter Eight: Sowing Season**

Clenched jaw, ruffled hair, dark focused eyes. He's so beautiful and angrier than I've ever seen him.

He's standing ten feet away and frozen like a sculpture of a warrior in the Louvre. My vision is a tunnel to him and my breaths are still labored. I want to run to him, touch his skin, and smooth the worried wrinkles from his forehead.

 _Is this real?_

He's moving then, backlit by the headlight from his car, his shoes vibrating over the concrete with each step he takes towards me. I feel his approach in my chest, in my soul. His hands find my shoulders at last and my vision may be blurred but he's not. He's perfectly clear and covered in blue light.

"Jesus Christ, what are you wearing?" His voice is ocean deep and his touch leaves me. I reach out with desperate hands and clutch at his uniformed chest. My mouth opens and I think his name but don't make a sound.

 _Is he real?_

"It's freezing out here." His warm breath clouds around us, supporting his claim as his hands pull his jacket securely over my shoulders. It's warm and smells like pine and campfire and Edward.

"Edward." His name manages to float from my lips this time and he shakes his head with a sigh.

"You're drunk." It's not a question. A string of uttered curses follow and he blinks his beautiful eyes hard and grips my wrist too tightly. He's pushing my hand away from him then and motioning to the blaring lights at his back. "Get in the car."

I'm shaking my head but I don't know why exactly. His accusation is truthful. I've never been drunk but I can't deny this weightlessness, this feeling of being out of control. Disappointment colors his face and tears blur my eyes even further.

"Edward-"

"Get in the car Bella." I've hardly ever heard his voice like this, so stern, so laced with ire. His eyes blare down on me, burning my skin for another moment and then they're gone and looking past me.

I don't decide to move but do so all the same. Slow steps trudge over the drive until I'm opening the passenger door and staring through the clouded windshield.

Edward's back is lit bright by the headlights and rigid as stone. He takes several steps forward and then his finger's pointing wildly as he says words I can't hear.

Jake.

I'd all but forgotten his presence when Edward arrived. My stomach rolls remembering the way he kissed me, the way he clutched so tight and groaned into my mouth. I've complicated yet another thing. Eventually I'll have to deal with that but I'm in no position to do so now.

Edward turns, walking quickly towards me with clenched fists and I look past him to the indecipherable look on Jacob's face. I want to read his mind, to dive inside and see where his head is, to know if he's feeling any bit as confused as I am.

Then Edwards shuffling into the driver's seat beside me, slamming his door and causing me to flinch back instinctively. He speaks quickly into the radio without sparing me a second glance. I don't catch the words but I know he's calling for backup, more manpower to break up the house ahead currently swimming with inebriated teens. Ben is going to freak out.

I stare towards Edward a moment longer until I can't take his lack of acknowledgement another second. My eyes fling to the foggy window at my side instead and I run a small finger along the glass as we back down the drive. I see a few people walk past in the night and then I see the rusted orange shape parked against the curb.

"My truck." Edward scoffs and a glance his way tells me he's shaking his head.

"You're in no position to drive that tonight. We'll pick it up tomorrow." He's angry and certainly disappointed. I'm pushing him away already and it feels a lot worse than I thought it would.

"I didn't mean to-"

"We'll talk about this later." He interrupts with his commanding tone.

The car ride home is silent aside from the voices over the police radio and it seems to last for hours. I feel worse with every mile we drive and the objects in my vision start to move and sway unnaturally. This must be the bad part everyone talks about.

When we pull into the drive, Renee's car is gone as expected and the house is dark. I'm out before the engine cuts and I stumble at the sound and spark of a nearby firework. The cool metal of the squad car presses soothingly against my face and even though I need to regain my balance I don't care to move. It's the sound of the engine silencing next, followed by his shoes over pavement and the feel of his hands at my sides. He tugs me towards him and I lean against his body gratefully, pulling his scent in deep and clenching his side and his stomach. I think about the muscles there and the bare skin underneath and moan low in my chest before I can stop. I hope he chalks it up to my drunkenness. It is partially to blame on that but it's also overbearing teenage hormones and the constant effect he has on me.

"Lets get you inside." He doesn't acknowledge the inappropriate noise and I don't look to see his expression. I can hardly move my head at all without a wave of nausea sweeping over me.

We take a few strides forward until we're just outside the door and he's fidgeting with the keys to find the right one.

"Edward." He halts his movements and his eyes are on me. It's a heavy look, one that's waiting patiently for what I have to say but clouded with so much uncertainty. He's right there and when a firework lights up the sky I can see every detail of his face in renewed clarity. He's perfect.

"I'm sorry. " I choke back tears with my apology and then I'm choking back something more until I can't anymore. I push him away just in time and then it's out of my mouth and all over the front of my dress and Edwards jacket and I don't know if I've ever felt more embarrassed in my life.

"Oh god…" I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and then the tears are falling. Even though my stomach feels better everything else feels worse. The world is still spinning before my bleary eyes.

"It's okay, let just-"

"No! It's not okay it's…" I stop short and shake my head back and forth but the words are gone. It's a disaster. It's not okay. None of this is okay.

He doesn't say anything else. Tentative hands remove his vomit-covered jacket from my shoulders and then he's grabbing my arm and helping me inside. Careful steps are made into the house and up the stairs and it take thrice as long as usual and I'm sniffling and breathing deep all the way. By the time we reach the bathroom I'm practically melted into Edward's side and he's holding me up entirely. _I'm so tired._

I want a shower and a bed to lie in and like always he knows exactly what I need. A warm damp rag wipes gently over my mouth, face, and hands and then his back is turned towards me as he turns on the shower and adjusts the water.

The stench of my once beautiful dress floats up to my nostrils and makes my stomach churn. I peel it off quickly, not thinking at all about the actions until he turns back to face me and it's pooled on the floor. His green eyes are dark and wide as they rake over my body, covered in nothing more than black underwear. He appears shocked momentarily and then his eyes are away and looking to the light blue walls.

"Bella…what the." He's fumbling for words and shaking his head.

"I'm sorry. I could smell it and-" I move forward a step but stop and trail off as he clenches his eyes tight and I watch him swallow hard.

"Bella you can't-" He sighs loudly and he's running his hands through his hair again. "Just take a shower and brush your teeth and I'll get you some clothes." And then he's sweeping past me, barely brushing against my arm in his haste to exit, and shutting the door behind him with a loud click.

It's rushing water and quick breaths and resounding solitude. I'm all alone again and one look in the mirror only serves to prove how much of a mess I am.

The shower is perfectly warm and washes all the grime and makeup away but doesn't stop me from throwing up again. Twice. _I hate alcoho_ l. When I smell less like bile and more like strawberry shampoo I turn the tap off. With freshly brushed teeth and hair I emerge, towel wrapped, to find a set of pajamas sitting on the hall table outside the bathroom door. I dress quickly and pad across the hall to find Edward sitting at the edge of my bed cast in warm lamplight and holding his head in his hands. He's changed into sweat pants and simple white tee and as much as I love the uniform I love him just as much like this.

"Edward." His head shoots up and he looks towards me with tired eyes.

"Feeling any better?" I twist the wet ends of my hair and nod small. Everything is still a bit fuzzy but I do feel better, more in control.

"I'm sorry about before. I wasn't thinking I just-"

"I know. You might be surprised to know that I've been drunk before too." His words are followed by a smile but it doesn't meet his eyes.

"I'm sorry about that too. I shouldn't have." I grimace thinking about the shots and the punch and the repercussions of it all. I want to say so much more but everything's still floating in my head to and fro.

It's quiet for a beat, just the two of us looking at one another. I'm trying to read him and failing and I'm sure he's doing the same with better results. I'm an open book to him and always have been. Even before the accident, he knew me so well.

"I put some water and aspirin on the nightstand and a trashcan by the bed. " He puts his hands to his knees and stands. "You should get some sleep."

Five strides forward and then I'm pulling the covers back and settling in. He flips the lamp off with a quiet 'good night' and takes a single step towards the door before my voice sounds again. "Edward."

He doesn't respond but I see his body turn towards me in the dark. "Stay?" I'm asking too much. It's the opposite of pushing him away and I want it for all the wrong reasons but I don't have the energy to care.

Quiet stretches for a moment and I fear he'll refuse. "Bella." It's a whisper. It's not rejection or acceptance. It's just my name coated in a tone of exhaustion.

"I don't want to be alone." More quiet, more uncertainty. I'm beginning to feel even more pathetic but then he's moving and the mattress dips at my side. He stays in a sitting position, leaning his back against the headboard, always the appropriate gentleman.

"Just until you fall asleep." His hand reaches out in the darkness and I take it without hesitation.

"Deal." And even after everything, I find myself smiling wide into the dark room.

It's the sound of sporadic fireworks and a car turning down the street. It's his breath in the air and my eyes staring towards him and comfortable quiet at last. Minutes tick by and I still clutch at his hand as the room continues to shift in my mind. He is my rock; the thing that grounds me even after everything else is falling apart.

"Why did you go? Tonight I mean. It's just…It's not like you." His words are quiet as he finally asks what's obviously been on his mind. It doesn't surprise me when he chooses now to voice these thoughts. After this year, honesty feels so much easier in the darkness of my room.

I think that but my next response is a lie. "I don't know."

He doesn't respond and I feel the truth surging up my throat. "I just wanted to feel normal."

Another firework and his attention shifts quickly towards me. In the brief flash of light I see his brows draw together, in anger, or confusion, or worry I can't tell.

"Normal? Bella you don't need to be normal. " He pauses and shifts slightly down the headboard to be closer. "You're so much better than normal."

I scoff and shake my head and try to pull my hand away but he won't let me. "It doesn't feel that way."

"How does it feel?" His voice is low and does something to me that it shouldn't. It hypnotizes and draws me in but I don't move. I can't.

"Okay Doctor Phil." It's meant to be humorous but it surfaces as nothing more than a hoarse whisper.

"Tell me." He squeezes my hand and I almost moan again.

"It's so heavy. It sits right here." I motion to my chest with my free hand even though I'm not sure he sees it. " And it's weighing me down, all the time. No matter the amount of progress I make. It's just waiting for me to slip up." It's hard to describe and when the silence stretches on I think I must not have made much sense.

"I understand." He pauses and I know he's thinking over the words carefully. "I know that what you went through is so much different and I'll never truly know but I pass that bridge almost every day and believe me it hasn't gotten any easier." He's closer now, nearly lying down next to me. "But we have to make a choice. This thing happened to us and we can let it define us or we can choose to move on and grow from it." His words are motivational but a part of me screams bullshit until I remember whom I'm talking to. What he says may sound like garbage but he means it wholeheartedly.

"Have you? Moved on…"

"No." He breathes deep and I feel his exhale on my face. "But I want to."

"Me too."

"Then we'll do it together." He says the words but he has no idea how much more it means to me, how much more it complicates things in my mind. Has no idea that he's an overwhelming part of my demons, my struggles. I won't let him fix me because undoubtedly I won't stay strong forever. Eventually I'll slip and he'll know how I feel and he won't want to do anything together anymore.

"Okay." I say it to placate him, to stop this talk of restoration and change. I want so badly for him to be the solution but he can't be.

"You can come to me about anything Bella. I know I didn't react the best when you told us about Ben's party but I'll try to work on it." Another breath fans over my cheeks. "I want you to be honest with me and I'll do the same." He squeezes my hand again and I nod until I realize he can't see.

"Okay."

And then there's a resounding sound and flashes of light. It's the grand finale and one glance to my bedside clock tells me why.

"Happy New Year Edward." I lean forward and in the fireworks' light I see his eyes widen, see the panic surface. He thinks I'll kiss him and for a brief moment I wonder if he already knows what I'm trying so desperately to hide. Aided by the light I find his cheek easily and place my lips gently on the skin just right of his lips. It's soft and everything slows down with the time.

I close my eyes momentarily to relish the feeling and after a beat too long I pull back to find that his are closed as well. His image recedes as I pull back and come to terms with the reality of what this is - A new beginning, a fresh start, a final goodbye. He doesn't know it but I'll make sure this is the last time.

No more will I allow him to comfort me after the storm of my mind sweeps through.

No more whispering in the dark.

I can't let him hold me up forever without dragging him down. After tonight I won't.

I can't.

This is the end.


	9. Capable

**Chapter Nine: Capable**

I wake from dreamless sleep to a New Year, an empty bed, and raised voices filtering through the crack under the door. Renee's back. She's home and they're fighting again and I'm certain I'm a part of the reason. I don't strain to listen. I won't, not after last time.

Instead I pull on a sweatshirt and dig through the drawer in my nightstand to find a pen and notebook. It's leather-bound and sturdy, a gift from my last birthday that I've never used. The clean white pages taunt me for a moment; make me hesitate amidst my haste. But then I'm writing and it it's instant relief. I write about that night when everything changed, about Edward and Renee and everything in between. It's erratic, out of context and out of order, but it 's also out of my mind and on the paper, all of my thoughts, all of my feelings pouring over the pages like sticky molasses. It's something Carlisle suggested months ago that I couldn't bring myself to do. He'd called it therapeutic and now I know why. I don't know how long I write but I halt when the doorbell rings and the yelling stops, to find my fingers stiff and cramping.

"Bella!" Edward hollers up the steps and I can assume easily enough who's at the door.

Jacob.

Dread fills my chest at the thought of the uncomfortable conversation to come but luckily my furious writing allowed plenty of time to reflect. I pull on boots and stand to leave but stop short, remembering the newly dubbed journal. It's shoved back in the closed drawer before I emerge and then I'm slowly creeping down the stairs.

Edward stands at the bottom, arms crossed and jaw ticking, either from the fight or our newest guest, but more likely a combination of both. Standing outside the door just past my stepfather is Jake, as expected, looking nervous and fidgeting from foot to foot. I move to exit the open door but pause when Edward's warm hand clutches at my arm. My sweatshirt separates us but it burns all the same.

"Ten minutes and then your mom and I need to talk to you." His voice is low and his head bowed. When I steer my gaze to meet those green eyes, the openness from last night is gone and he's a mask of steel and stone.

It irks me and my response is curt. "Fine."

His jaw visibly flexes and he exhales quickly before his hand disappears and I'm moving again. The cold air greets me aside my friend's tight-lipped smile and I shut the door tightly behind me. The few steps down to the walkway seem to take forever but them I'm there at last and so is Jake and I know we'll have to talk.

"Hey." It's the best I can do with the high-speed train running through my head.

"Sounds like you were getting an earful." He heard the yelling, the whole neighborhood probably heard.

"Something like that." I see my breath in the air and pull the sleeves of my sweatshirt tightly over my hands.

"I tried calling…" He still sounds so confident, so _cool,_ but I can see the crack of nervousness and worry on his face.

"I left my phone at Ben's, and my truck and my coat." I shake my head at the stupidly of it all. And then there's silence, awkward and dragging. It's the most uncomfortable I've ever felt with him and I hate it. When I spare a glance from the snow at my feet to Jake his mouth is opening and closing like a fish out of water. I look away again, hoping it will give him the nerve to say what he wants to.

He clears his throat and then he's speaking. "So last night…"

"We kissed." I say the words like I'm ripping off a Band-Aid and I swear he flinches back at the bluntness.

"And then Edward showed up." I snap my eyes back to his at this. It's not quite where I expected this conversation to go.

"What did he say to you?" I'd wondered since last night but I wasn't going to ask Edward.

"He was mad."

"What did he say Jake?"

"He cussed me out and threatened to kill me if I touch you again." I balk at this and let my hands fall from the sleeves at my side.

 _What?_

"Really?"

The corners of his lips quirk up and then his teeth peek out, white and shining, until he's smiling full. "No. He told me to call a cab home. I think he wanted to say more but he was pretty pissed."

I release a breath of air I didn't realize I'd been holding.

"I'm surprised after all that you still decided to show up here." I cast my eyes to the driveway. "And on your motorcycle no less." I'm the one smiling now but stop short at his next words.

"I had to." I hear the emotion there, see it in his eyes. "It wasn't a mistake Bella. I wish...I wish I had done things differently but I don't regret kissing you."

"You were drunk." I'm shaking my head and looking everywhere but him. "We both were."

"Tipsy maybe but I wasn't drunk." He moves a step closer with outstretched hand and I step back on instinct and throw a glance to the house behind me. I wonder to myself if they're watching - if _he's_ watching.

"Jake…"

"Look at me Bella." I swallow the lump in my throat and find his dark brown eyes with mine. "I've known you forever. We've been there for each other through so much. Believe me, I didn't ask for this to happen but I can't help how I feel."

"Jake." It's too much.

"I know I'm blindsiding you but I needed to tell you." He grabs my hand before I notice his approach and it's warm and large. It's comforting and familiar but it's not _his_.

Even if I had days or weeks or months to think about it, I know it would always come back to this. I could try with Jacob, there's certainly a possibility of more than friendship there, a possibility of love eventually. But could I ever stop comparing him to the man in the house? Could I ever love him enough to move on from my complicated feelings for Edward? I don't know but it wouldn't be fair to anyone, not now at least.

"You're one of my oldest friends Jake but…I just can't handle anything more right now. I'm sorry." My eyes burn into his and I see the flash of hurt despite how well he conceals it. He nods and squeezes my hand in his.

"I get it. And I'm always here Bella, whatever you need." He pulls me into a warm hug and I let him, soaking in the feeling of how lucky I am. I'm lucky to have an understanding friend like Jake. Lucky to have a guy like him love a girl like me. His arms squeeze until I groan in discomfort and he kisses my cheek with warm lips.

"I can't promise I won't try to kiss you again though. It was pretty great." His words are whispered in my ear and I shove him away with a smile.

"Idiot." He laughs and pushes his hands in the pockets of his coat.

"But a loveable idiot." I roll my eyes before nodding in agreement, happy that the awkwardness has subsided. Happy that he understood so easily.

"We're okay Swan?" He's still smiling but more serious now.

"Of course."

Jacob leaves shortly after, riding off on his grumbling motorcycle after blowing a kiss.

 _Ridiculous_.

I stand outside for another minute, breathing in the fresh air before I have to go back to the strangling stiffness inside. The steps pass too quickly and them I'm in the living room, seated on the couch and staring at the blank TV. My mothers in a chair in the corner, looking more filled with angst that the teens I know, and Edwards pacing with heavy feet, clearly annoyed.

"Your mom and I talked, and we think it's only suiting to ground you after last night." His words trail off to be eaten by the silence and he stares towards me expectantly. Does he think I'll pitch a fit? I suppose after my irritated response to him earlier it wouldn't be surprising.

"Okay." My mother snorts and Edwards eyes shoot to her like laser beams. "How long?"

I turn to Renee, thinking she might have something to add but she's too busy picking at her fingernails smugly. When I look to Edward, his eyes are still on her, tired and irritated, evident by the hard lines across his forehead and the clench of his jaw. _Stupid woman._ I'll never understand how she can't seem to appreciate what's right in front in her.

I'm still staring at Edward so I see the way his eyes soften when they meet mine.

"A week." I swallow hard, pushing away the feelings that spring in my chest when his eyes drink me in like they do and his voice crawls forward, low and deep.

"Seems fair." The stifling silence stretches on and I need to escape. "Am I dismissed?"

Edward nods, Renee snickers, and I stride through the living room and up the stairs, running from the rabid beast that is my awkward family dynamic. As soon as my door closes they're arguing again. I put in headphones to drown it out and write until my hand tires. I'm finishing a thought on paper that reads more like a poem when my door opens and I snap the notebook closed. It's Edward and his lips are moving but all I hear is the drums and the strumming of a guitar. I snatch the headphones from my ears and catch the end of his sentence.

"…answer."

"What?" He laughs at my clearly confused expression and takes two steps closer.

"Sorry to let myself in. I knocked but you didn't answer." I lift the headphones in my hand and he nods in understanding.

"You're writing." He motions to my lap and I glance down to see the pen and notebook.

"Yeah, something Carlisle suggested." He raises his eyebrows and nods as he takes another step.

"You didn't say much earlier."

"There wasn't much to say. I get it and I believe grounding is the _normal_ punishment for teenage antics." He chuckles low and takes a seat on the edge of the bed.

"And things with Jacob?" I fix him with a stare.

"Nosy."

"Fine, I guess I don't need an explanation for what I walked in on last night." My cheeks heat quickly and I know I'm blushing red. He saw it all. I'd wondered how much he'd witnessed and now I know.

"It was nothing." It's not the whole truth but I don't feel the need to tell him more.

"Didn't look like nothing." The words are a grumbled whisper and I resist the urge to roll my eyes at how ridiculous the conversation has become.

"It was _nothing_ , seriously."

"Sure, sure." He watches me from the corner of his eye in a way that tells me how little he believes my words. He almost sounds jealous but realistically it's the usual overprotective Edward.

"Also, I'm sorry about this morning. Your mom and I… we're just working some things out." Clearly. If the palpable tension earlier didn't prove this, the yelling surely did.

"It's fine."

"No Bella, it's not. You won't have to hear that again." His gaze burns into mine and it's hard to breath under his stare.

"Thank you." Our eyes stay connected until I can't help but look away and then he's standing to leave.

"I'll let you get back to your writing but we need to go get your truck in a bit."

He's at the door when I speak again. "I'm going to get a job."

His movement halts and then he's turning back to me, eyebrows up and confusion obvious.

"You don't need to."

"I want to." And it's true. Writing can only take me so far and a distraction, a purpose, seems like the best thing for me. I need to show everyone that I'm not broken. I need to prove to myself that I'm capable.

"Okay." His lips are pulling into a proud and dimpled grin, one that would make my knees weak if I were standing. "But only after you've served your time."

I'm smiling back and trying not to blush even more with the way he looks at me.

"Yes sir."


	10. The Sunshine

**Chapter Ten: The Sunshine**

Winter gradually melts away to spring and the grays and browns fade to rich green. The snow stops and the rain begins, a constant dew on the grass. The biting cold secedes to windy chill and the occasional sunshine warmth. Time changes everything and finally I'm changing with it.

I write my thoughts and feelings into words for months and the pages of my once blank notebook are covered with black. It's freeing to see them there, more than I thought it would be. Eventually I shift to poems and short stories amidst the therapy and I think I may have found something I'm good at, something worth striving for.

With Carlisle's tea and the cleansing of my thoughts to paper, the dreams have all but disappeared and I look forward to sleep again. When I wake my mind is empty and free to start a new day without digging up the skeletons of my past. It's like breathing fresh air in a room of smoke. It's been a victorious few months of dreamless sleep, victorious until last night.

It's much the same, the icy water, the floating particles, and the stabbing cold. He's there, right by my side like always, moving the water around us as he grasps at his seatbelt. Its broken and binding. This time I'm free, not longer trapped and capable of reaching him, capable of saving him. It's the first time it's ever been this way and the burden is heavy. My chest screams for me to reach for him as it screams equally as loud for oxygen. It's my body that moves, floating through the shattered windshield and up to the surface, leaving him there to drown and perish alone. It's agony, wanting something so horribly but being unable to control my own limbs.

I reach the surface and I'm gasping for air and when I finally wake I'm panting and coughing and clutching the shirt over my chest, the shirt I've practically ripped open. I'm finding my bearings, realizing the difference in reality and imagination, when he pads in on heavy heels.

"Bella? Are you okay?" His voice is worry and fear and I feel like the vile scum of the earth.

 _No!_ I want to scream. _I left you! I left you to die alone._

Then the mattress dips and his hands are on me soft and clutching. _Perfect._

"It was just a dream." His soft words are reassuring, comforting, and I'm working up the courage to smash it all to bits.

After months of not having to push him away and abandoning him to drown minutes ago it's harder than it seems.

Without the terrors in my sleep and the nights so close, our relationship has bloomed in the light of day. We have real conversations, ones that aren't about my sleeping habits or the past. We cook dinners together, play scrabble, and see movies when we're both free. It's easy and void of the skin-to-skin contact and close quarters these nights provide. It's what things were like before the crash, aside from my mother's presence, which has been noticeably absent.

His hands squeeze my shoulders and I realize how eerily silent I've been aside from the shaky breathes. I lick my lips and sit up, leaning heavy against the headboard and away from Edward.

"Bella?"

"I'm fine." My voice is trembling and not nearly as strong as I'd hoped it would be.

"Hey…" The moon is out and I see his hand as it reaches out, finding my cheek with familiar ease. The pads of his fingers are rough and tickle my skin. "It's okay." I shudder under his touch and take another deep breath to steady myself.

"I said I'm fine. " Another breath and I'm pushing his hand away with all the strength I can muster. "I want to be alone."

"Bella?" His whisper is louder now, the question stronger.

"Please." He sits back and the moon reflects in his eyes. Eyes that stare at nothing but me. His hands are in his hair then, pulling and mussing the locks that could use a cut. He doesn't want to leave and I don't want him to. Another minute and I fear I'll ask him to stay instead.

"Okay." He stands and rests his hands on his hips, white tee sleeves hugging the muscles of his arms flawlessly. How is it acceptable for a stepfather to look so good? "I'll be right down the hall if you need me." His voice is low velvet, smooth and too inviting.

He turns to leave but halts when he reaches the door, spinning back to face me. I expect more protest, more concern, but there's only silence. It's heavy and lasts too long and then he's gone, a shadow fading into the black.

It's the morning after now and the black of the night is gone and covering the edges of the pancake in front of me. The guilt induced breakfast that I'm burning in the midst of remembering.

"Shit!" I scoop the charred flapjack from the pan and sigh in defeat. I haven't burned a meal in years.

"Good Morning to you too." His groggy voice resounds in the silence and I'm spinning on my heels.

"Hi." It's unnaturally high-pitched and I clear my throat to stave the nerves.

"Pancakes?" He trots closer, eyes hooded with sleep and I notice that he's still wearing that damn tee shirt.

"Chocolate chip." He makes a noise in his throat that's a mix of groan and moan and I turn my attention back to the stove to hide the inevitable blush.

I don't turn back to see, but I can feel him at my side; can hear his voice as he offers playful commentary. "Maybe I can have mine a little less well done?" He pokes at the blackened oval with a gruff chuckle.

"The first pancake is always bad." I defend myself and pour another circle of batter into the pan.

"No offense but this looks worse than bad." I know I should laugh and join in the playful banter but my mind is moving too fast in too many directions and when I finally turn back to him his smiles falling and I know I've hesitated too long.

"Hey…" He leans against the granite, brows furrowed, and turns me toward him with a hand on my arm. "Everything okay?"

I almost say I'm fine but we both no it's untrue so I settle for the harsh reality instead. I trust him.

"I know it was a fluke…."A sigh and a shake of my head to build the courage. "I just don't want to go back there, back to how things were."

I see recognition on his face and his thumb rubs slowly against my arm. I don't know if he even realizes he's doing it but it's all I feel. "You won't."

He sounds so sure and it's easy to believe him. "How do you know?"

A smile pulls at his lips, slow and soft. "Because I know _you_."

In the winter I would have laughed and denied his appraisal of me, but not now. Now I feel as strong as he sees me. I won't fall back into that trap because he won't let me and even more important, I won't allow myself. I almost feel silly for thinking I could.

I smile back and our eyes meet. It's his hand still moving languidly over the skin on my arm and his eyes peering into my heart, warm and springtime green. It's electric, the connection we share, and it only takes a few seconds to feel the pressing weight of my feelings. The urge to pull him closer is too strong and I turn away from his touch and back to the pancake in the pan before I can make a mistake I've so painstakingly avoided for months.

He hovers close by while I flip the flapjack and find it slightly darker than I'd like but not nearly burnt. I feel his eyes on my face, on my skin, studying me. I wonder sometimes if I'm as much as mystery to him as he is to me. _Impossible._ When the pancake is done, and cooked to my liking, he drifts away to put on a pot of coffee. We work in comfortable silence until breakfast is served.

We're sitting at the table and I'm taking my first bite of chocolate chip goodness when he speaks again.

"Are you working today?" True to my word, I found a job after my week of punishment in January. Despite my distaste for Mike, I started work at Newton Outfitters and found a comfortable rhythm easily. Surprisingly, I look forward to the time after school spent stocking shelves and serving the familiar smiling faces of Forks. It's often tedious and can sometimes be frustrating when my shifts coincide with the youngest Newton's but it's worth it.

"No. " I swallow my bite and wipe my mouth with a napkin. "Not today."

"Any plans?" His words are casual before he takes another bite but I feel he has other motives for asking.

"Just researching colleges and doing homework. Nothing pressing."

"Want to go fishing?" I almost choke on my orange juice.

"Fishing?" My lips quirk upward as I place my glass back on the table.

"It's not that far fetched. I fished with Carlisle all the time growing up." He's smiling and his tone is teasing. "It's been years but I'm sure I've still got it."

I imagine a young Edward fishing with his father and my smile grows. I'm blushing I'm sure. "You really want to go fishing?" It feels like a dream.

"I mean if you don't want to…" His smiles shrinking his carefree tone fading.

"No! Of course I want to." I interject and he looks relieved. "I just…I've haven't exactly fished before."

His eyebrows rise and he looks a little taken aback. "Never?"

After he asks I see the understanding sweep quickly across his eyes. He knows my life story and the players in it. I don't say anything about my sob tale, my fatherless upbringing, he knows it all.

"Renee isn't exactly 'outdoorsy'. " I use air quotes and keep my tone light. I've had enough emotion-riddled words for one day.

He chuckles and my heart swells at the sight of his sparkling eyes and dimpled grin.

"She certainly is not."

"Is she…" I trail off because we both know the answer.

"Working." He finishes the sentence for me, confirming what I already knew.

With spring comes wedding season, trunk shows out of town, and longer hours at the boutique. This year seems busier than usual for Renee and by now we're used to her being away. At least I am. I'm unsure about Edward and haven't worked up the nerve to ask, but he seems content. He seems better than he was in the winter when fights and tension were the norm.

After breakfast we clean and get changed before heading into town for supplies. Edward has poles and line but we stop by Newton's for bait and hooks. I cringe when he grabs the sharp sliver fishhooks from the shelf but he assures me it will be catch and release only. Once we have everything we need we take the winding roads to a lake on the outskirts of town. We're in my truck but Edward's driving and I'm content to listen to the music and watch the tress rush by.

When we arrive at the lake, the sun arrives with us. It's a smaller body of water but Edward says it's well stocked. I take two steps out of the truck and towards the tailgate and I can't help but close my eyes and turn my head to the sky, soaking in the sunshine warmth and the smell of the wildflowers lining the banks. I'm happy and lately I've made a point to stop and appreciate it. After months of unrest it feels indescribably good to revel in real joy.

The wind picks up, blowing my hair across my nose and cheeks and tickling the sensitive skin. When I open my eyes and brush it away, I find him staring towards me from the tailgate. His expression is impassive, eyes darkened green and heavy with a sentiment I can't read. Then his Adam's apple bobs and he's looking to the truck bed and pulling things out that we'll need. I swallow heavy as well and pull a deep breath through my nose.

It's a confusing thing, my relationship with Edward. It's beautiful and pure at times but mysterious and dark in it's own way, full of misunderstanding and unread emotions. I know he loves me, know he's proud of me, know he _knows_ me, but it's the in between that I fear. It's the way his eyes always look at me, carrying so much but never speaking clearly. It's my own hidden feelings that I worry can't stay buried forever, that I fear he already knows. And if he does what does that mean? What would it mean if he understands my twisted love for him but hasn't run away, hasn't _pushed_ me away? I've chided myself endlessly for wondering but could he feel the same…or somewhere close?

"You ready?" His words snap me from my thoughts and I doubt he understands the weight of his question. He's holding the gear and I know what he means but in my mind, in my heart, I can't help but stray back to my questions a moment before. _Am I ready? Can I ever be ready?_

I hesitate a second or so longer before I step forward.

"Ready as I'll ever be."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Almost 100 reviews! That is amazing! Thank you all for reading and for leaving me with your questions, comments, and feedback. Sometimes I write and I get so caught up in how I'm visualizing things. It's great to get to read your thoughts and views on what I write and how it expands on inspires. I hope you enjoyed the chapter! I'll continue to update once a week and more if I can.(My sweet dog likes to lay on my keyboard so it can be a challenge.) Also a small gift for almost 100 reviews: The titles are song names. Feel free to search and listen if you want a better idea of what helped to inspire the moods and words of the chapters you've read. Thanks again!


	11. Yellow Love

**Chapter Eleven: Yellow Love**

"How do you feel about her being gone all the time?" My voice is small, barely loud enough to hear, after nearly an hour of building up the courage to ask. It's not even the question I want but I settle for the more appropriate path.

I think for a moment that maybe he didn't hear me but then a sigh escapes his lips. I'm staring at him and he's staring over the rippling water, the wind brushing through his hair and the sunshine highlighting the red in it.

"I don't really know what I feel. I'm just...used to it I guess." He pulls on the pole, dragging the bait and colored lure through the water halfheartedly. He's caught three fish already and I've yet to feel a nibble. Probably because I'm more focused on the man beside me than the creatures in the water.

 _Do you miss her?_

I don't speak it but it's the thing I'm desperate to know. It's a question I've asked myself several times over the past months and the answer is easy enough for me. I do miss my mother, but not the woman she is today. Not the distant, hurtful, and complicated person she's become but the one who raised me. She was flawed and struggling and she certainly wasn't always perfect but she was a hell of a lot better than what she's turned into. She cared, really and deeply. I miss that woman.

 _Why are you with her?_

My second unasked question. My mind strays to her and Edward and the evolution of their once happy marriage. I don't see everything and I know I'll never fully understand the complexities but I often wonder what's keeping them together now. Things were rocky before the accident and then tragedy struck and it brought us all closer together. She was a constant at my side in the hospital. For months she was my partial strength and comfort and then she stopped coming to console me after the terrors of my dreams. She stopped asking how I felt or how my day was. She stopped everything and it felt like it was just Edward and I and all Renee had left was contempt.

"How do you feel?" I'm snapped from my thoughts, my eyes refocusing on the man two feet away. The kindest man I know. The man whose now looking back and clearly invested in my answer.

"The same." I slowly turn the reel in my hand and shift my gaze away from him before I say my next words. "She was gone even before she started working so much."

It's the truth, even when she's home, she's not really. You can see it on her beautiful face. She's somewhere far away; somewhere we're not invited.

"Bella…" I turn my attention back to him, to his sad eyes. He pities me; I can see it swimming in irises like minnows. His lips open and close but what can he say really? It's the cardinal rule of marriage, of parenting, that you have to present a united front. Even if he does disagree with her actions, her absence, he can't voice those thoughts to me, her only daughter. He's pledged the play the role of dutiful husband and stepfather. A man like Edward wouldn't dare cross that line. He's too good and he cares too much.

Once my bait ascends from the water, I swing the pole and cast it back out with a splash.

"Is that how you've been doing it this whole time?"

"What?" I'm completely confused until I look towards him and see his eyes resting on my fishing rod. Even though it's obvious that he's trying to lighten the mood, I'm more than willing to let him. It does no good to think anymore about the words spoken, to further push against the quickly blurring boundaries between us.

"If that's how you've been casting the line this whole time…" He shakes his head and runs a hand through auburn brown locks. "It explains why you haven't caught anything."

"I…I don't know what I'm doing." I throw my free hand in the air and squint when the sun peeks back out from under the clouds.

"Here, watch me." I may not be very good at fishing but I'm certainly good at watching Edward.

He reels the line in and looks back to me, presumably to ensure that I'm paying attention. _You don't have to tell me twice._ His next move is fluid and graceful, a flick of the wrist and an arch of the arm and the hook and lure descend stealthily into the water.

"See. You want to try and make sure you don't disrupt the water too much." I nod to show him that I'm listening and watching. Watching the movement of his arms, the flex of the muscles under his forest green tee shirt. The light hairs on his arm glow yellow under the sun and his hand holds firm to the grip below the reel.

"Then when you reel it in…" His hand moves in circles, slowly drawing the line in as he demonstrates. "You want to make sure the movement is natural. The fish needs to trust the trap." He flicks his wrist as he reels to create the fluid movement.

 _Trust the trap._ The phrase rings in my head like song lyrics I know by heart.

"Now you try." I nod and take a breath before swinging the pole outward again. It's much the same, with only a slightly smaller splash.

"Not much better." I lament as I reel it in slowly, imitating his wrist movements.

I hear the crunch of grass under boots and feel his presence beside me. He doesn't ask before reaching out. Instead, he crouches in behind the log I'm sitting on and places his hand confidently over my reeling hand. It's obvious how comfortable he is, how easily his personal space blends into mine.

"Let's try again." His voice is deep in my ear and I suck in a shallow shaky breath I hope he doesn't notice.

I can feel his chest hovering over my back; can feel him all around me. His left hand sneaks around my other side and curls over my wrist. I watch his hand on my skin but then the silver band on his finger is reflecting so brightly under the sun and my chest tightens painfully. The metal feels like it weighs a hundred pounds _. He's your stepfather._ I chide myself and clutch my eyes closed for just a second and attempt to steady my frantic heart, attempt to ignore how heavy his wedding ring feels. _He's just trying to help. Stop thinking so much into it._

I finish reeling and it's time for a second try. Time to focus.

"Alright, so you're bringing it directly overhead." He lifts my arms, motioning the error I'd made. "You want to throw it more from the side…like this" He grips my arm and hand tighter and swings through the movement several times without releasing the lure. His chest pushes more firmly against me and it's warm and hard and I'm trying desperately to concentrate.

"Think you've got it?" His hands leave me all at once and he takes a few steps back until he's out of my swinging range.

"Yep." My voice is hoarse and low and I clear my throat quickly before reiterating my agreement more firmly. "Yeah."

I repeat the movement one more time on my own as practice. I take another breath and focus hard on my actions, on my thoughts, my intentions. When I finally flick the pole forward and release the line I can feel the difference before the lure even hits the water. It coasts in at and angle, sinking beneath the surface with nothing more than a ripple as evidence.

"I did it!" I jump to my feet and spin around to find him smiling back. He's sparkling eyes and bright white teeth and it makes my stomach flip and flutter.

"Much better." He shakes his head and laughs lightly. "But maybe don't shout next time. That tends to scare the fish off as well."

It only takes two more tries before I feel the pull on the line and I hesitantly reel in my first fish. It's small and hardly record breaking but I feel proud nonetheless. I can't stop smiling after that. The feeling of accomplishment is like a surge of adrenaline and joy.

The blue gray of the sky is tinted evening pink when we finally pack up to leave. The sunshine warmth has faded and is replaced with Fork's usual chill. We tie everything down in the bed of the truck and start the drive back before the sun sits too low in the sky. I'm still smiling wide and find myself humming along to Willie Nelson's crooning voice. Edward hums along as well and eventually we're singing along and he's smiling too. It's easy being with him; easy being _myself_ with him.

"Want to stop for ice cream?" His voice breaks through the guitar strumming and I fix him with a face to match my response.

"Duh." He laughs and it's low and rumbling along with the engine in my truck.

"I don't know why I even bother asking. Nobody has a sweet tooth like you." He's looking to the road and I'm looking at him. It feels like it's always this way.

"That's why I'm so sweet." He smiles wider and makes a funny face.

"I think you've been talking to Alice too much. That sounds like one of her lines."

I can't help but laugh at the silly scrunch of his face and the fact that he's oh so right. My weekly chats with Alice have made it easier to feel like this again, easier to feel like the Bella I remember.

We pull up into a gravel lot where the 'Frosted Caboose' sits. It's an old train car next to the tracks converted into Fork's resident ice cream shop. We'd been coming here during the warmer seasons for years and even the milkshakes at the diner don't compare.

"Chocolate chip cookie dough?" He asks as we crunch our way over the rocks.

"Of course!"

"With sprinkles?" I halt my steps and fix him with a stare. It takes him a second longer to realize I've stopped and he spins around to meet my eyes.

"You know I'm not still twelve right?" My tone is teasing but my chest tightens as soon as I realize the heavy potential of such a seemingly innocent question. I certainly don't want him to see me as he did back then.

His smile barely falters and he looks from me to the neon sign donning the ice cream shop and back. The evening sky reflects in his jade irises and the sun kissed skin around his eyes crinkles as he speaks. "Oh definitely. You never gave me this much sass back then." His smiling response makes me snort and laugh and we continue our steps.

"In that case, yes, definitely sprinkles." His chuckle is hearty and his smile is wide and breathtaking.

 _I love you._

The words soar to the forefront of my mind but thankfully don't leave my lips.

The thought sits in the pit of my stomach while we order and make our way over to a bench. I keep smiling; work to keep it reflective in my eyes so he doesn't notice but all I can think about are my churning feelings for him and how they keep appearing at the worst of times. Just when it feels normal between us, my heart shows itself.

A freight train crawls past on the tracks in front of us, heading east to who knows where. The sky is dusty blue and purple, hanging overhead like a watercolor painting. It's beautiful and I almost forget about my ice cream until I feel it dripping on my hand and I shutter at the chill. I like the melted cream from my skin before focusing my efforts on the sprinkled cone. It's just as good as I remember.

When my mind is clear of the thoughts from before, I spare a glance at Edward. His chocolate and pistachio ice cream is almost gone. He's looking at me already and his smile is small, eyes dark, face still.

"We should do this again sometime." I smile at that, happy that he seems to be having as much fun with me as I am with him. "Maybe next weekend?"

The corners of my lips fall and his focused gaze catches it instantly. "You're working?"

"In the morning yeah." I pause and take another bite of ice cream. I'm not entirely sure why I'm so anxious to tell him the next part. "I sort of let Angela convince me to go to prom."

It took weeks of asking but I finally agreed. I'd tried to reason that we're only Juniors and there always next year but we both know I've been working my ass off to graduate early if possible and Angela used this as her main argument. 'We don't know if you'll even be here next year and I need my best friend' She'd contended.I'd also whined about being a third wheel to her and Ben but unbeknownst to me, she'd already set up a date for me. Jacob Black. Of all the options she had to choose one of my closest friends, the guy I drunkenly kissed on new years, and the one who insisted on flirting with me endlessly since. She's made no bones about being team Jake, even when I insisted that I didn't want anything more than friendship. To be honest that's one of many reasons why I'm so nervous about the whole thing.

His brows lift. "Prom?"

"It's next Saturday." I'm entirely focused on my ice cream now. Since the accident it feels so much better to blend in, to sink into the background. Dressing up in fancy clothes and taking photos doesn't exactly feel like the invisibility that I often crave. Another reason why I'm not looking forward to it, that I intend to keep to myself.

"You're not excited?" His hand finds my back over my cotton tee shirt and I shiver. He must take it to mean that I'm cold because another moment passes and his jacket is laid over my shoulders.

"Thanks." I look back to his searching eyes and sigh. "I'm sure it'll be fun. Angela will make sure of that." I laugh lightly and he's smiling again.

"She's a good friend."

"The best." I agree.

I see something spark in his stare and he speaks again.

"Do you need a dress?"

"I went shopping with Angela after school a few days ago and picked something out."

"I could have bought it for you." His brows are pulled together and his hand is still on my back. I want him to bring me closer but I don't budge. I can't.

"It's okay, it wasn't much." I take the last few bites of my ice cream to find that my taste for it has vanished.

"Also, you're the one starting to sound like Alice now. She was very upset when she found out I bought a dress without consulting her." I laugh lighting but it fades away when I see the indiscernible look flash through Edward's eyes. Anger? Disappointment? I'm not sure what it is but I don't like it.

"You told Alice?" _Hurt_. Perhaps he's upset that I told his sister before I told him.

"She called when I was shopping for the dress. I only decided to go a few days ago." He nods and puts on a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

"Well I'm excited to see it. I'm sure you'll look great."

The air between us is silent after that. The sky is growing dark when we throw away the remainder of our ice cream and walk back to the truck. The headlights shine over cracked asphalt and high grass as we take the familiar roads back home. Loretta Lynn's soothing voice floats out of the speakers and my eyelids are heavy.

"Thank you." My whispered words break through the sound of the radio and the grumbling engine.

"For what?" His brow is crinkled, his hands resting lightly on the wheel as he looks forward.

"For today." More quiet words. He looks my way this time and the warmth in his sincere smile is palpable. I feel it coast over my skin like the sunshine at the lake, like the warm afternoon breeze against my hair.

Even with the ups and downs he still saves that grin just for me. I'm putty under his gaze - in his presence. After all this time, through the changing of the seasons, I still haven't figured out how to break the spell.

"You're welcome Bella."


	12. Dancing

**Chapter Twelve: Dancing**

"Ouch!" I rub my head to alleviate the pain and hope there's still hair left.

"I can't help it that your hair is a bird's nest Bells." Alice's twinkling voice sings from behind me and I can see her and Angela smiling wide in the mirror's reflection.

 _Sadists._

I had attempted to discourage Alice from making the nearly four hour drive, especially in the last semester of her senior year, but she insisted upon visiting to ensure that I looked flawless for 'one of the most important nights of my life,' as she put it. Even though she's inflicting endless pain upon my sensitive scalp, I'm thrilled to have her here and Angela seems to love her as much as I do. How could you not? Alice is a vibrant force to be reckoned with, never failing to brighten a room and put a smile on my face. With her here, the whole process feels a lot less painful, metaphorically speaking of course.

"I'm thinking we should curl it...or we could do a braided up do. Either way, I guarantee I can turn you into one of those girls on the shampoo commercials."

Angela laughs as she applies her eye shadow at a second makeshift vanity Alice put together in my room.

"What do you think Ang?" Alice asks.

'"Hello? I'm right here. It's my hair." I try to pretend I'm annoyed but it's impossible with Alice and I end up laughing instead.

"Oh! What about a hybrid? Half braided up do, half curls!" They both seem over the top excited about the idea but the image my mind creates with her description is not ideal. I agree anyways, knowing I'll lose the battle regardless and sit back to let Alice work her magic.

Once my thick tangled locks are brushed and smooth, my torturer starts to clip up certain portions while the curling iron heats up.

"How's it going in here?" Edward's familiar voice sounds from the doorway and I find his gaze in the mirror like a moth to a flame. He's leaning against the doorframe in a tee shirt and shorts. His messy hair sticks to his forehead and his breathing is noticeably heavy. Knowing the man in question, he's just returned from a run.

"Smashing darling! Everything in here is going just swell." His sister sounds like an enthusiastic BBC broadcaster.

Upon hearing her dramatic impression, his dimples appear along with another heart stuttering smile.

He looks so much different than he did this morning when I last saw him.

 _I hear their harsh whispers from the kitchen when I reach the bottom of the stairs. I'm craving coffee before work and I think about walking in and ending the conversation but I don't. I'm not sure why I do it exactly. Perhaps it's mild curiosity of the thirst for answers to so many of my questions. Regardless of motive, I still my steps in the darkened hallway and lean against floral wallpaper, straining my ears to understand what the latest argument is about._

" _Why is she here?" My mother's voice is slightly raised and clearly annoyed._

" _Keep your voice down please. Jesus Renee, I don't want the whole house to hear." His tone is harsh and my chest tightens while my lungs constrict._

" _I'm just really fucking curious to know why your sisters is here all of a sudden."_

" _She wanted to be here for Bella and we haven't seen her since Christmas. Why is this an issue?" I wish I could see them, see his jaw clench, see her eyes narrow like a predator, like a snake._

" _It's an issue because this is my house. I should know if we have a guest." A heavy pause. "And what do you mean she's here for Bella? Why is she here for my daughter?"_

" _Prom."_

" _Prom?" Her voice is louder and I flinch and look to the steps, curious if Alice is hearing this all as well._

" _I told you about this on Monday. Her prom is tonight." I hear her sigh and shift my feet, thinking that maybe I should turn the corner and stop them from saying anymore. I regret eavesdropping already. When will I learn?_

" _You forgot?" Edward's velvet voice is low and on edge and stills any notion I had of interrupting._

" _I – I didn't forget exactly. I just, I made plans with Jan tonight." I don't believe her paper-thin excuses but I'm too numb to be hurt. I didn't expect her there anyways._

" _You fucking forgot." Edward's the one raising his voice now. "God dammit Renee."_

" _Maybe I did. Don't make this into another big deal. Bella is so grown up for her age. I'm sure she won't even care." I'm holding my breath, strangled by the tension in the air._

 _I stare at the wall across from me, riddled in shadow and dated pastel blue paper. A wedding photo hangs slightly crooked amongst the flowers, their smiling faces frozen in time. I want to go back and warn them of what they would become._

" _Yes, she's very mature for her age but she shouldn't have to be all the time. She needs you, can't you see that?" His exhausted voice rings clear._

" _She doesn't need me! God, If my mother had given me just half the space I've given her I would have been thrilled."_

" _Newsflash, Bella isn't you. She's nothing like you." He spits the words and my feet are moving on their own accord. That's quite enough._

" _What the hell is that supposed to-" She stops as I enter the doorway. "Bella."_

" _Good morning." My voice is even. My face is practiced calm._

 _A thick silence falls all around us and my movements are thundering in the quiet. The shuffle of feet, the clinging of metal, and the sound of liquid being poured. I don't look at either of them for a moment but when I finally spare a glance at Edward he's as tense as I'd imagined. His jaw is locked shut, his usually perfect lips are a thin line, and his eyes are searching. I know he's wondering what I've heard, how much I know. I look away, over to my beautiful mother who's slipping a jacket over her shoulders., preparing herself for a hasty exit._

" _Sweetie, I'm busy this afternoon but I'm going to try my best to be home in time to see you all dolled up." I don't have to look to Edward to know his eyes are daggers. My mother's quick and narrow glance towards him is proof enough._

" _Okay." I force a small smile and her lips perk up in response. It's just as forced as my own, never meeting her cold blue eyes._

 _I grip my thermos tightly and let out a shallow sigh. "I better go. I have shelves to stock." I know it won't lighten the mood but I feel a need to fill the quiet with something, anything._

" _Have a good day honey." Spare me your pet names; I think to myself while actively trying not to roll my eyes. And then I leave without another word, without another glance to either of them, over the hardwood and out the door before I can hear another whispered curse._

I look at him now, his face red from exertion and his smile sparkling white and I can't help but love him more. Even though I'll never understand why he hasn't left her yet, I'm thankful he hasn't. If he had, I would be without him too, without him and alone with my reptilian mother. My eyes refocus in the mirror and I catch sight of the dopey smile I wear, looking more obviously smitten than I'd prefer. I wipe a hand over my face quickly and avert my eyes.

"Well I'm going to shower but then I'll be downstairs if you girls need anything." Visions of him under running water infiltrate my brain before I can stop them. I clear it from my mind quickly but not before a blush covers my pale skin.

"Aye aye captain!" Alice solutes him and then he's gone with a quick wave and a laugh.

Her hands are back in my hair and I'm picking at my nails. "Still got it bad I see." Her teasing words are a whisper in my ear but I glance at Angela in the reflection just in case. Luckily, she's none the wiser, too focused on plucking her eyebrows to pay us any mind.

"Shhh." I shake my head and motion back to my preoccupied friend. Alice's perfectly shaped brows are lifted and her eyes are fixed securely on mine.

"We're talking about this later though." I roll my eyes but nod in agreement. I don't particularly want to talk about it but I trust Alice and I think speaking it out loud might ease the endless tension.

She smiles triumphant and resumes her handiwork. An hour and a half later Angela and I are both ready and planning our descent down the stairs to meet or dates and Alice's camera. I take one last look in the mirror and the transformation that I find is impressive. I turn my head, eyeing my hair and I know I never should have doubted Alice's abilities. It's held half back with intricate braids, the remainder flowing in smooth loose waves. My makeup looks professionally done but still natural enough that I don't feel unlike myself.

When she'd seen my choice in dress Alice didn't seem overly thrilled, but wearing it now I feel confident in my decision. My hands graze over the fabric, over the beading below my breasts. It's a deep teal, sleeveless and hugging my chest and torso with soft fabric that flows out over my hips. For the first time in a long time I feel beautiful.

"Ready?" My head turns to Angela who looks stunning in floor length silver satin. I let my hands fall, stretching my fingers, and take a moment to steady myself on the heels they'd forced on my feet.

Before I know it, we're out the door and taking slow steps down the stairs. I grip the rail with each clunk of my heel and hear the familiar squeak when I can't avoid the third one from the top. My eyes look past Angela's bare back, to Ben's wide smile at the foot of the stairs and the blinding light flashing in Alice's hands. I nearly stumble when I reach the bottom but my hold on the railing saves me from embarrassment. My eyes ghost up the wall, the very one I stared upon this morning, landing easily upon the photo there. My mother's face smiles back at me and I wonder if she's waiting in the living room beyond the wall.

The last few strides seem to pass in slow motion but then I'm in the living room and I curse myself for getting my hopes up at all. _Of course she wouldn't be here._ I blink away the shallow burning behind my eyes, swallowing to ease the churning of my stomach, and focus on smiling for the camera.

He's standing just beside Alice. I try not to look his way immediately but after exactly seven clicks of the camera, my eyes find his on their own accord. Edward's smiling gently his hands clenched and his dark eyes focused on me. He's upset and not hiding it well enough. He must have noticed her absence as well or at least that's my best assumption.

A hand pulls at my side and I startle, my eyes leaving his to find that Angela's bringing me closer, posing for the camera. I swallow hard and try to make my smile look as natural as I can.

Another photo, another flash, and then I hear the sound of the screen door slapping closed. My heart jumps and I think just maybe. In the blink of an eye my mind imagines the happy family reunion, the mother of years past bursting through the door and hugging me tight. It's the way I'd always imagined prom night growing up, the way it always happened in movies.

"Sorry I'm late." Unsurprisingly I was wrong. It's Jacob, looking dapper in a black tux and smiling from ear to ear. I give him my best smile in return but at the moment that isn't saying much.

"Get in the picture lover boy." Alice motions Jake towards us and he's at my side in a flash.

"Bella…" His hand snakes around my waist, clutching me tightly. "You look…" His eyes scan over me slowly amidst the camera's flashing. "Amazing."

I see his eyes glance down to lips and I can guess easily enough what he's thinking.

"Thanks. You don't look so bad yourself." I straighten his tie with my hand and Alice is quick to capture the moment.

We pin corsages and pose for another ten minutes before Angela announces that we need to go. I move towards the door with the others but stop when Alice's hand falls on my bare arm.

"Take this." She hands me a tube of pale pink lip stain. "In case you need a touch up."

"Thanks…for everything." I motion to my hair and face and she smiles in response.

"I live for makeovers Bells. You know this." Edward appears at her side. He's been quiet through it all and I want so badly to pull him aside and pick his beautiful brain. He still looks too stiff, too caught up in his own mind.

"Wait! We didn't get one with you two. Come on, pose in front of the fire place." She grabs us both, ushering us in the right direction. When she's satisfied with our position she backs away and takes the cover off her camera again.

"Okay, get closer." I scoot towards Edward and feel his arm drape over my back and his hand clutching my side. His smell infiltrates my nostrils and my smile comes easier than it did before.

"Edward, smile for real…" Alice's voice is demanding. I look up to his face just as he rolls his eyes. My fingers pinch his side lightly and he jumps before swinging his gaze to mine.

"Ouch." His brows are furrowed but his smile is much improved.

"Do as she says or we'll be here all night." I feel the vibration of his chuckle and see the brightness return to his eyes. _Mission accomplished._

"Better! Now look this way." We do as we're told and the camera flashes. I'll want to see that one later.

"You look beautiful Bella." His voice is a whisper, so low that I think I may have imagined it. When I sneak a glance back up to his face between pictures I find that he's looking at me. His lips are closed and lifted slightly at the corners; his eyes deep like bottomless lakes.

"Thank you." It's too quiet but he's close and I know he's heard me. In that instant everything seems to fade away, everything but Edward.

"Our reservation is in fifteen." Angela's voice sounds over the camera's clicking and breaks me from my daze.

He backs away and his warmth is gone and with a few scattered goodbyes my feet move on autopilot out the door to Ben's parent's Escalade.

We eat dinner at a seafood restaurant in town and it's easy to forget everything else when surrounded by endless buttered rolls, lobster, and undeniably amazing friends. We laugh and joke and it doesn't escape my notice that Angela and Ben are touching at every opportunity. She'd mentioned last week that they might be taking that next big step tonight and with the way they're acting now I don't doubt it.

After dinner we arrive fashionably late to the dance and I remember why I was nervous to begin with. The music blasts, vibrating the floor beneath my feet, and my classmates grind away on the dance floor sparkling in gowns that probably cost more than my paycheck from Newton's.

Jake sticks by my side like glue and drags me onto the dance floor after thirty minutes and two glasses of thankfully un-spiked punch.

"You know I'm terrible at this, especially in heels." I motion to my feet while shuffling from side to side at the slow song they're playing. The floor is crowded with hormonal couples and when Jake pulls me closer it's hard to forget that he probably wants that as well. I'm stiff in his arms, my muscles tense and I'm sure he can feel it.

"It's not prom without at least one dance." His voice is low in my ear and his breath tickles my neck. "Besides, I won't let you fall. You can relax." His arms wrap more tightly around me and when I look to his face I see a soft smile. After a few turns I feel the tension melt and I let my head fall against his chest, against his midnight jacket, his quickly beating heart.

"You trust me right Belly." He uses his nickname for me from years ago and I can't help but laugh.

"I trust you."

Across the floor I see Angela and Ben, ever the adoring duo. Their pose mirrors ours and it's easy to imagine Jake and I like them, happy and in love. Almost _too_ easy.

We spin again and my eyes fall on Mike and Jessica dancing nearby. He smiles with a wink and luckily his partner is none the wiser. After working with him for months, I've grown used to him again and I simply shake my head with a laugh and clutch a little tighter to Jakes crisp jacket sleeve.

We dance for three more songs and true to his word, I don't fall.

My feet are aching when we finally head home. Ben drops Jacob and I off at the curb outside my house before he and Angela ride off to continue their night. She confirms my suspicions with a final wink and a wave.

When I move to tread up the driveway on my tired heels Jake stops me with a hand on my arm.

"Wait." I turn back to face him and let him pull me closer. When I'm almost flush against his chest I find to courage to look to his face. The moon glows against his skin and it feels too much like that night. My stomach plummets over a cliff and my palms feel hot and sweaty.

"One kiss." His voice is quiet but firm.

"Jake." I try to pull back but his grip tightens slightly over my wrist.

"Just one." His dark eyes grow closer and he leans down and I feel his breath fan over my face.

"It's prom and you look…God you look so beautiful Bella." His hands move around my waist and pull me closer still. "Don't worry, I won't start doodling your name in my diary or anything. I just…Please, can I kiss you?" His confidence wanes as his plea comes to a close. I almost laugh at his diary comment, knowing very well that this moment will find it's way into mine, but I don't. Not when I know how firmly I hold his heart in my indecisive hands.

I'm at an impossible impasse. I love him, I do. It's not in the way he wants me to but it makes it that much more painful to deny him. I don't want to lead him on but I know I'll hurt him either way.

"Please Bella." His forehead presses firm against mine. I would only need to move an inch or so to meet his request. That night is a bit fuzzy in my mind's eye but I know what it felt like.

"Just this once?" My voice is a breathy whisper and I feel him shutter against me.

"I'll take whatever I can-" I lean forward before he finishes his sentence.

 _God, I hope I don't mess everything up._


	13. Little Talks

**Chapter Thirteen: Little Talks**

It's over in an instant.

Lips to skin, and then I pull back. It's all I'm willing to give and all he'll get. Luckily when I retreat he let's me and he's smiling still, touching the spot on his cheek where my lips had fallen.

It was enough.

"Just the one." I take another step back.

"Not exactly what I had in mind. "He's laughing now and I'm thankful for the sound. "I told you on New Years I'd try it again. I can't promise I won't keep asking." He's not angry, if anything he's only more determined. I haven't ruined everything and I feel my muscles relax.

"You're impossible."

"Most of the ladies have a different word to describe me but I'll take it." He's smirking, the confidence back and I'm rolling my eyes.

We walk up the driveway and he pulls me into a tight hug that lasts too long before climbing onto his bike.

"Best damn prom date I could have asked for." And then he's slipping his helmet overhead and hiding that magnificent grin.

"Goodnight Jacob." I shake my head and allow a smile to fall upon my lips, happy that he's taken the slight so well.

I watch him drive away before my aching feet carry me to the door. My hands push it open and my eyes squint, surprised to find the lights still on. I'm through the doorway and kicking off the god-forsaken heels before I see them.

Alice and Edward sit unmoving in the living room, their faces covered in emotion and frozen in time. I've interrupted them and from the looks of it they were discussing something serious, arguing perhaps.

His sister is the first to mask her emotion with an easy smile. "Bella!" She stands from the couch and glides over to stand by me. "How was your night?"

My eyes volley between the two of them, trying to read either even a little bit, but without success. Edward's frozen still, face impassive, and Alice could win an Oscar for her work.

"It was fun. My feet hurt though." I look back to the discarded heels in the entryway.

"Beauty is pain darling." Her eyelashes flutter and I spare another glance over her shoulder and towards him, still seated on the couch and painfully silent. His eyes are guarded and dark and coasting over me as if he's checking that I'm still intact.

"What have you guys been up to?" I try to act casual but my interest is buried in knowing what I interrupted.

My eyes still rest on Edward, waiting for any flicker of emotion in those mossy greens, any twitch of his jaw, or tensing of his muscles. Alice turns towards him and acknowledges his presence for the first time since I've arrived. His eyes move to her and I can't see her face but I wonder if she's using her gaze to silently communicate with her brother.

"We've just been catching up. Which…coincidentally I need to do with you!" She turns back to me but not before I see something flash across Edward's eyes. I hone in on it, but it's gone before I can recognize what I've seen.

"Alice…" His warning is low, his face still impassive.

"Don't worry brother, I won't keep Bells up too late." And then her small hands are on me, directing me towards the stairs.

"I'll help you get these bobby pins out of your hair and you can tell me all about the dresses, dancing, and decorations." We're moving away and I find that she's stronger than her small stature implies." Goodnight Eddie boy!" It's a nickname I know he hates and when I risk a glance back over my shoulder I see his hands running through his hair.

"Goodnight." My voice is squeaky and low but his eyes snap to mine regardless.

"Goodnight girls." And then we're heading up the stairs and he's gone, out of sight but still in mind.

Alice is quiet while we change into pajamas and I settle criss-cross on the bed. She perches behind me and her hands begin undoing the hard work she completed only hours earlier.

"Sooo…give me the scoop. How was prom?"

"It was fine. What were you guys talking about when I walked in?" I can't see her but I feel the way her gentle hands tug a little more roughly, not enough to hurt but noticeably different.

"Just fine? I'll tell you what was fine. Jacob Black. That boy has sprouted up like a pine tree." Her voice prattles on. Another bobby pin tings as it falls into the decorative tin in her lap and her expert fingers begin to unwind the braid it held.

"You're just going to ignore my question?" Another tug, another braid gone.

"You're just going to ignore that your date looked like an Abercrombie model?"

"Alice!" I pull away, disregarding the sting on my scalp, and turn to face her. Her eyes glance up to my head, to my half undone hair, and she snorts but it's not enough to distract me. "What were you and Edward talking about?"

Her shoulders fall, her posture sinking into the mattress, her breath falling out in a sigh. "I don't know if I should tell you."

"Were you talking about…me?"

"No!" She's quick to respond. "Not really."

"Not really?"

She sighs again, more dramatically this time. "We were talking about Renee."

"Oh." Of course, Edward's beautiful wife, my wretched mother. There are so many words to say about her. "It looked like you guys were talking about something intense…were you fighting?" I'm being gracelessly nosy but I don't care.

Her eyes are downcast, her hands fiddling with the hem of her shirt. Alice is many things but silent isn't one of them. Why won't she look at me?

"Is he…"I stutter and muster the courage to continue. "Is he leaving her Alice?" Leaving _us_. The words claw out of my throat and it's hard to swallow. It's my wildest dream and my worst nightmare. It's unimaginable.

"I wish." Her words are whispered but I hear them regardless. Her eyes pop up to meet mine and they're filled with remorse. "I'm sorry Bella…I shouldn't have said that."

"It's fine." I shake my head and breath a sigh knowing that the unimaginable isn't happening, at least not yet. "It's not exactly a secret how you feel about her."

She giggles lightly and her eyes crinkle. They look like his eyes but I try not to think about that. "It's that obvious?"

I nod and smile back, it's not exactly forced but I certainly don't feel like smiling right now. "They were fighting this morning."

"I heard." Her smile slips away and I see the annoyance surface in her eyes.

"I thought you might."

"They do that a lot." It's not a question but I nod anyways.

She's quiet for another minute. I can tell she's chewing the inside of her cheek. She's nervous.

"You deserve better Bella, you both do. " She sighs and shakes her head. "I'm sorry…I know that she's your mom and I probably shouldn't say this, but I haven't seen her once since I've been here. From what I could pry out of Edward that sounds like the norm."

"It's fine." I don't know why I say it. They're empty words. We both know it isn't fine, none of it's fine.

"No." I'm staring at my hand when she grabs it and I let my gaze find hers again. Sad and worried and full of anger "It's not fine Bella. You deserve a mom who gives a shit about what's going on in your life. You deserve someone who shows up and appreciates her life, her daughter, her _husband_."

I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything.

Another minute of silence follows and then she's speaking again. "You and Edward…" she trails off and I don't know where she's going but I feel the need to defend myself, to defend him.

"Nothing's happened. I haven't told him."

"I know." She pauses again and my worry grows.

"You didn't tell him anything did you? About what I told you."

"Of course not Bells! I would never. " She sounds shocked that I would even ask. "You can trust me. I mean it."

"I know."

"I can tell how close you guys are though. He cares about you too Bella." Her voice falls low towards the end, barely a whisper. Her eyes stare so hard towards mine, trying to read me like he does. I know her words are meant to help, to reassure in some way. We are close and I know he does care but it's still so far from what I crave.

"Maybe." I swallow thick. "I'm trying to put distance between us but it's so hard. He's just…he's always there and he's so damn perfect." I could go on for hours about Edward but I stop there.

"My brother the hero." Her words are playful. Knowing Alice, she means it as a joke, as a way to lighten the heavy mood. My mind flashes back to that night, to the frigid night when fate forced him into the role.

"It's true." I shiver at the memory and try to clear it from my mind.

"I'm sorry Bells." She squeezes my hand after her apology slips out.

"For what?"

"This situation…I'm sorry, I know it must be awful." She'd told me months ago about our similar situations, about her secret feelings for her engaged professor. Since then, he's left the fiancé for the petite girl in front of me and they're in month two of relationship bliss. From what she's told me, they're keeping it hush-hush until she's officially graduated but it's obvious how happy she is. A happy ending to a difficult situation. I know I won't have that. I know it and so does she. No matter the outcome, even if by some miracle he felt the same, Edward and I can never start fresh. We can never be a couple or anything close.

"It sucks." Her lips quirk and I can tell she likes my choice of words.

"It really does."

She spends the next ten minutes removing the remaining braids from my hair. The last bobby pin falls into the tin and then I'm speaking, breaking the comfortable silence with a confession.

"Jake tried to kiss me tonight."

Her hands grip my shoulders, turning me back to face her surprised expression. "Uh what?"

"When we got home, he asked to kiss me."

"And?"

"I kissed his cheek." Her face scrunches up in a wince.

"Friend zoned." I hate the phrase. It's so black and white when realistically, it doesn't feel that way at all. It feels like layers of feelings and history piled in my head and waiting to be sifted through.

"I thought about it, about seeing what it would be like…a normal relationship." My voice is quiet as I recall the images again, as I try to imagine what a romantic future with Jake would look like.

"I sense a 'but' coming."

"Jake is great, he's an amazing friend. I'm sure he'd be a wonderful boyfriend…but… I know I'd always compare them, whether I want to or not." Confessing the words makes me feel guilty and a relieved all at the same time.

"You really do have it bad."

I do.

Alice leaves to prepare for bed a few moments later and I lay back and listen to the sounds of the house while I ponder where life has taken me. Running water and the memory of an icy lake. The squeak of the floorboards as Alice makes her way to the guest room across the hall and every time I've heard Renee's steps as she flees her problems. The click of Edward shutting off the television downstairs alongside flashes of movies we've seen together, nights and days spent in the dark with him.

My tired body stands before everything gets too foggy, before sleep wraps me in its warm embrace and skews my thoughts into unwanted dreams. When I enter the bathroom, the air is still humid and thick from Alice's shower. I leave the door open and wash my face before running a comb through my tangled hair. I'm brushing my teeth when I hear him ascend the stairs. He bids Alice goodnight, explaining that he'll be gone early tomorrow morning and working when she leaves to go back to school. His voice is quiet and I can hardly hear a thing over the scrubbing of bristles and mint.

I imagine he's thanking her, expressing his gratitude for her effort, for driving so far just for me. It's the same speech I gave before telling her goodnight. I rinse and spit before placing my toothbrush back in the holder and turn to find a figure in the doorframe. Lungs gasp, throat squeals, and I clutch a hand to my chest before realization floods and I know it's only _him_.

"Don't sneak up on me like that!" My small hands swat at him, hitting his crossed arms, while I focus on easing my quick breaths and stuttering heart.

"Sorry." His full lips are pulled up on one side. It's a cross between a smile and smirk and it feels like it's just for me. It does nothing to calm me.

I swallow hard and lean my hip against the countertop. He's two feet away but he feels farther, always out of reach.

"So tell me…was prom better than you thought?" That smile is still in place, his chest-tightening dimple on display. _Too damn perfect._

"Yes." I nod and smile, feeling the cool air on my freshly brushed teeth. "It was better than I thought it would be."

His lips lift further, his eyes crinkle and shine under the bathroom vanity lights. "Good." His head nods. "I'm glad."

"Did you like my dress?" I shock myself, not at the question but the tone in which I ask it. My voice is low in a way I've only spoken in my head, in my dreams. I'm borderline flirting with the very unavailable man in front of me.

I hope he doesn't notice, but crave to see his reaction if he does. I watch him, stare up to him through my lashes. I see the way his body stiffens, the way his Adam's apple bobs, hear the silence stretching onward. His fading smile tells me he noticed…he had to. He shifts, his arms falling from in front of his chest while his body moves forward half a step.

Does he want me closer too?

His throat clears and his eyes that have been staring to the tile grout look back up to mine. "It was perfect." Husky and quiet, his voice meets my ears and warms the pit of my stomach. I've never heard him quite like this and it's better than any fantasy I could procure.

"You're …" he speaks in the air, so quiet I would have missed it if I weren't so focused on his perfect lips.

What? What am I? _Tell me!_

I want to ask him, I want to beg him to tell me but I can't. Instead I part my lips, suck in the damp air, and watch his forest greens hone in on the movement.

Another half step closer, the effort like a symphony in the quiet.

Another breath and eyes connected.

His lips open – He's going to speak.

And then it's the distinct sound of the screen door squeaking. _Renee_.

He swallows and takes a step back, his eyes gone, the moment gone – if it was ever there to begin with. I could have easily imagined it. I've dreamt up worse.

"Mommy dearest is home." I sound bitter and right now I am. My mind is quickly set on hiding away in my room and feigning sleep to avoid her. I take a step towards the door, towards retreat, but he's still there. He's blocking my path with confused eyes and tense muscles.

My voice is soft, still gentle. "Excuse me."

His eyebrows pull together, his forehead wrinkles and his lungs sigh.

Maybe he's realizing he doesn't know me as well as he thought?

After a second that seems to stretch on for hours, he takes a step to the side. I'm quick to move my feet and quick to run away, like mother like daughter, but stop when my arm brushes his in the doorway. My eyes reach up to his but they're empty of anything I can read. I want to revive that light in them, want to see him smile again, want him to know how I need him. I _want_.

"Thank you Edward…" I pause, thinking he might respond but he doesn't and I hear my mother jingling the keys in the door. "Thank you for being here…It means…well it means the world to me."

There's a lump in my throat now and his eyes are still right there, speckled emerald and gold and hypnotizing. The front door opens with a thud but he hasn't responded.

"Goodnight again." I exhale the words and glide across the halls to disappear behind my door before he can properly react, before I can fully understand his feelings - before he can fully understand mine.


	14. When You Break

**Chapter Fourteen: When You Break**

May Twenty-Sixth.

It's the first day of summer vacation. After a week of exams and endless studying I find myself yearning for days of sunshine. More days where I can work at Newton's meaning more money I can put toward college and a life far away from Fork's.

The Sunlight filters through my curtains, a pale pink laying over the room, and it's easy to remember what else today is.

Six years. Six years since my mother promised her heart to the man I love. Six years of Edward Cullen.

Their wedding anniversary has always been bittersweet but especially this year.

Since prom night, Edward's been relatively scarce. I'm not sure if he's doing it consciously but I think he's avoiding me. After weeks of quick hellos in the kitchen and missed dinners I'm almost positive that he is. He's working more and smiling less. He's not shutting me out, he's not like Renee, but he certainly isn't the Edward I've grown accustomed to.

I hear noise floating up from the kitchen as my feet hit the cool floor and think that just maybe I can catch him before he leaves this morning. I'm quick to brush my teeth and hair and striding down the stairs in record time. I turn the corner to find him dressed in uniform and pouring coffee into a thermos.

"Good Morning." I speak soft but it doesn't stop him from startling just slightly, obviously unaware of my quiet approach.

"Good Morning Bella." His voice sounds warm but his eyes don't find mine like usual.

I let my gaze sweep the room, looking for the customary vase of anniversary roses on the table, but I find that they're missing. It's no secret that there's trouble in paradise but I didn't expect this.

"You're working today?" The answer to my question is obvious but I have to talk to him. I need to hear his voice.

"Yeah." Those green irises finally find mine and it's easy to see how tired he is. His eyes are so empty and underlined with dark bags. Has he been sleeping?

"Will you be home tonight? Are you guys going to dinner?" I see it in his eyes, a flash of something. He's surprised that I remembered. But how could I not?

"I'll be home but I'm not sure what the plan is." Apathy, it's written all over his face like permanent marker. Who is this man? What has changed him so much in the last few weeks?

I think back to that night. Back to my suggestive tone, back to his response that I think I must have imagined. Alice never elaborated on what they spoke of regarding Renee, never revealed even the slightest regarding Edward's thoughts on the situation. I wish I knew more. It's strangling to feel so in the dark.

"I better go." His tone is much the same, dripping in quiet indifference.

"Have a good day." I force a smile while I lean against the counter but I'm not the actress that his sister seems to be. He's just across the room but he feels miles away.

And then he's gone, out the door with a quiet 'thanks' and the house feels abundantly emptier.

I'm on autopilot as I prepare, dress, and drive to work. My hands move on their own accord, placing cans of beans and sausage on pale gray shelves. My mind is swimming in a lake of murky thoughts, half developed theories and ideas of what this change in him could mean.

I'm in the stock room, loading another cart with fishing supplies and thinking of only Edward when Mike approaches.

"Good morning beautiful Bella. You're looking extra delectable-"

"Jesus Mike, can you ever just turn the bullshit off?" My tone is harsh and biting and when I steer my steely gaze towards him, his easy smile is falling into a look of shock.

"I…I'm sorry." He holds his hands up in surrender like he did months ago at the New Years party. "I'm really sorry Bella, I was only joking."

His blue eyes are wide and remorseful and I feel the sting of guilt in my chest. Sure, Mike can be an asshole at times but after months of working with him, I know he's harmless.

"No…I know. I'm sorry Mike. It's just been…." I think for the words to describe it. "It's been a rough morning. I shouldn't take it out on you."

He lowers his arms and his expression softens slightly.

"If you want to talk about it…" He doesn't finish his sentence but the sentiment is obvious. I appreciate the offer but Mike is the last person I'd ever spill my heart to.

"Thanks Mike. I think it's best if I just keep working. It helps." He smiles small and nods in understanding.

"I'll be at the register if you need anything." I nod in response, honestly surprised at this version of the boy I thought I knew.

The rest of the day is slow. Mike wears a closed mouth smile every time I look at him, seemingly waiting for me to bite his head off again. When my shift is over I take a detour to the local used bookshop to kill the time and avoid going home to what's sure to be an empty house.

When I finally pull up to my home, the stars are just starting to appear in the dusky sky and both of their cars are waiting in the driveway. It's far from what I expected and the sight is a rock in the pit of my stomach. My feet move slowly over the concrete and up the steps and when I open the door at last, the scene I find only serves to shock me more.

Both of them are here.

They're in the living room with the television on. It's some news segment about foreign affairs, a smiling anchor talking about the possibility of war. Renee is sitting in a chair with a glass of wine and Edward is on the couch with his head in his hands. His gaze snaps to me when the door closes and he looks almost frightened.

"Hi sweetie." Renee's smooth voice floats through the air. The television snaps off, the background noise gone, and I watch as my mother places the remote on an oak side table. "Come in here for a minute please."

Is this a nightmare? I pinch my palm with my nails and swallow hard at the very real pain it causes.

My sneakers squeak over the hardwood and I stop In front of the black TV screen.

I think they may want me to sit but I don't. I stand instead, my arms crossed in hopes of protecting myself from what I fear they'll say. I expect them to talk, to break the news to me, but the silence expands, tense and heavy.

Edward clears his throat and stands. My mother is still sitting, sipping her wine and looking towards her husband expectantly.

"We…we wanted to talk to you Bella. " Another pregnant pause that seems to last forever in the small space that's feeling tighter by the minute. I look down to the floor, to the scratch in the polished wood where I dropped a plate two years ago. It was full of spaghetti and Renee had pitched a dramatic fit. I'd rather be in that moment than this one.

He clears his throat again. "Your mom and I have talked…a lot…and we think it's best if we separate." It's that cold murky water filling my lungs all over again.

"We're divorcing." Her tone is curt and firm and when I find the courage to look at him, he's glaring daggers in her direction. Her lack of tact has always been a pain point between them.

"What…" I don't know what I planned to say. My mind is void of anything coherent.

"I know you probably don't understand sweetie but sometimes, with adults, things just don't work out-"

"Don't condescend to me mother." I don't know where I find the gall to grind the words out but it feels like a small relief. She looks stunned. Perhaps she expected me to lie back and take her false words of concern.

"Bella-" Edwards voice. My eyes fly to his and he still looks too scared, so unlike the strong man I've grown to love.

"Honey, I know you're probably shocked but you don't have to take that tone-" I can't stand to listen to her any longer, to her grating voice, her delusional ideas that her words mean anything to me anymore.

"Shocked? I'm hardly shocked _honey_." I repeat her endearment the way it sounds in my ears, sickeningly sweet. She takes a literal step back and places a manicured hand to her chest. Don't act so surprised to find that your little girl has a backbone mother. I wish I had the strength to say that as well. Regardless of her mock astonishment, everyone here knew this was a long time coming.

"I can't-" My feet are moving and I'm out the door and ignoring him calling my name.

"Let her go." Renee's voice cuts through the air like ice but I hear the door open behind me and I know he's on my heels.

"Bella where are you going?" His hand grabs my arm but I yank away from his grasp quickly, spinning to face him and his sad green eyes.

"Anywhere but here." I can hear the tears in my voice before I feel them sliding down my cheeks.

"Jesus, Bella, I'm…I'm so sorry." His arm is extended like he's aching to grab me again but I won't let him, not now, not when I'm so close to falling apart.

"You're leaving aren't you?" That's the real reason for my mourning.

He doesn't need to answer. I know that it's the truth. You don't get divorced and stay under the same roof. It doesn't work that way. My brain is wracked with unanswered questions. Why now? Why today of all days?

"I'm staying in the guest room for a few days until I figure some things out."

I breathe deep and try to hold back the sob pressing against my chest. It's final. After everything, he's leaving me. Gone will be his quiet smiles, his gentle touch, his nighttime rescues. I've been trying to push him away for months and now he's leaving for good. I'm a selfish delusional girl to ever think for a second that he would stay for me.

"I'll still be in town, just a phone call away." He sighs and shakes his head before taking another anxious step. "I'll always be here if you need me Bella."

I don't know if I believe him. Even if I do, it won't be the same. I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing but I've hardly had the chance to think about it.

"I just need some time." I take another step back, towards my truck, towards my escape, but he stops me again. His hand burns hot against my arm and I want to pull away but I don't immediately. I may never feel this again.

"You shouldn't drive when you're upset." His voice is softer now. He's so close and even under the dark navy sky I can see how worried he is. How does he feel about all of this? Between them, who made the decision to wreck our dysfunctional lives? The questions continue like the never-ending cars of a slow moving train.

I look to his hand on my arm before I respond, to the bloom of warmth where we connect. "I'll be careful. I promise."

He takes a step closer. "Is there anything I can say to make you stay?"

 _Yes_.

"No." I lie to him. Now is certainly not the time for more confessions of earth-shattering magnitude.

I hear him sigh before he speaks. I imagine his warm breath on my face. "Call me if you need me and please …please don't disappear." My eyes find his and they're swirling with more than I can understand.

"Okay." I nod and finally find the nerve to shake out of his clutches.

Everything moves in slow motion -My feet carrying me forward, the old engine groaning to life, Edward's hunched figure fading away as I back out of the driveway.

I drive with no destination in mind. The radio plays a static piano and violin duet and I let if sit in the forefront of my mind, holding back the stampede of thoughts and questions. After half an hour of mindlessness I hit the breaks and park over the rocky gravel. I hadn't consciously thought about it but I knew I'd end up here somehow. The engine cuts and the door squeaks open and slams back closed with an echoing bang. And then its just silence, all encompassing silence.

Here again.

My sneakers crunch over the pebbled rocks but I don't go to the usual perch. Instead, my legs lead my down a small footpath off to the side, a worn dirt trail lined with knee high grass and weeds. I've been there before but I don't remember it. When I reach the bottom, the sight of the glittering black water stops me in my tracks.

If I need somewhere to think about him and her and the thoughts shattering my mind this feels like the best place. The place where the old me died and my heart became forever tied to his.

My shoes slide forward a few more steps, almost to the edge, and then I sit. The damp earth soaks into my jeans immediately but I don't care. I welcome the sensation. It means I'm really here. I'm awake. I'm alive.

Dark eyes stare over dark water and everything comes rushing back, the memories and nightmares and the images in my mind that border reality and dreams so closely. I remember every feeling, every sting and gasping breath. I remember him.

I knew him before that night but not the way I do now. I never saw him clearly until he saved me. Now, after the bomb they've dropped, I'm unsure whether I knew him at all.

Why now? What changed so much to make him leave? I'd always thought he would. A part of me, the selfish part, had hoped I'd be long gone before it happened. Instead he's jumping ship and leaving me with _her_. My stomach sinks at that dark reality. My home will be an empty shell without him in it.

My lungs inhale the crisp night air and I lean back, lying in the grass and admiring groups of stars between clouds. They're so impossibly far away but shining so bright. It's beautiful and daunting to think about. My problems and worries, which seem so consuming, dwarfed beneath the wide expanse. Hot salty tears leak from the sides of my eyes and into my hair and the grass but I don't attempt to stop them. Everything is damp and soaked with dew and wet earth.

It's over. I might as well accept it. I've always known nothing would happen between us, always known how he must see me. I understand, always have, but I accepted it knowing that I could still have him close. Now he's leaving and I can easily enough predict how the future will play out. Like earlier, he'll vow to be there for me but after weeks and months and years I'll fade into a distant memory. I'll be nothing more that his ex wife's daughter. More tears and I grip the grass with my hands and pull out bunches at a time.

Maybe he will be there if I need him? Maybe he is the man I know, the man I've fallen in love with? Maybe he'll move away? Why has my mother transformed into such a wretch? How can I go on living with her and the person she's become? Why is he leaving me? What now? It's question after question and crying until I can't anymore. When the clouds have submerged the glittering starlight, I finally sit up. I'm cold, my body and mind sore as I stand and carefully make my way back up the dark path, slipping only once.

When I arrive back home her car is gone, the living room lights are on, and I know he's waiting for me. I take a deep breath before I walk inside but no amount of preparation will suffice. He's my strength and my weakness.

He pushes himself up from the couch as soon as I'm through the door. And then he's striding toward me with ruffled hair and purpose in his eyes. It's thrilling and scary and takes my breath away. "Bella, where were you? You've been gone for hours." He reaches out for me again but I sidestep his touch and head toward the stairs. I'm not ready for this, not ready to face him.

"You're covered in dirt." With my back to him he's seen the evidence of my time in the woods. Then is hand is on my arm, gripping tight and spinning me around to face him. I know he'll see them too, the trails my tears left behind. He'll see the confusion in my eyes, the questions unanswered. Will he see how much I love him?

"I needed to think." I'm quiet and then swallowing sharply at the look in his eyes. It's almost as If he's as desperate for answers from me and I am from him.

"You could have answered your phone at least." His free hand is running through his hair, his anxious habit.

"I left it in the truck." His eyes snap back to mine, his hand freezing and then falling from his head, and I see the question there. He wants to know where I was but deep down he knows. He has to know.

"Bella…"

"I'm tired." It's true. It's not sleep I seek but clarity and rest from my own thoughts.

He's nodding and I'm surprised it was so easy. "You're right. Lets sleep on it and we can talk more tomorrow." It's not exactly what I want but I'll take it.

I think he'll let me go, that we'll go to sleep like he suggested but his hand still clutches at my arm so tight. His worried eyes are still searching and I wonder what he's looking for. After a moment too long I look down to his hand and he must notice the movement. He lets me go. The warmth is gone and even though it's May, I'm cold again.

He doesn't say goodnight and neither do I. No matter what either of us says it's not a good night.

It's a living nightmare.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Surprise! Another update! I've had some extra free time this weekend to write and I thought you all deserved to see the next chapter in Bella's life. This one was a bit of an emotional roller coaster (forgive me) but I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading and reviewing! I appreciate all of your support.


	15. Wake Me Up, I'm Drowning

**Chapter Fifteen: Wake Me Up, I'm Drowning**

Cold, ice cold, and smothering black. My eyes can't see but I can feel. It's skin biting, lungs searing, heart failing. It's the taste of dirt and blood and death. It's in my mouth, my nose, my ears. It's everywhere.

I can feel him too. He's right beside me, unmoving just as I am, stuck in this frozen hell. I can feel his heart beat reverberating through the water, impossibly fast and fearful. I can't think, my mind is unclear, my blindness debilitating. I'm going to die. _We're_ going to die.

And then there's light and I can see the jade color of his eyes like the sun rising after a long night, can see them widen in disbelief. He's so close that I could kiss him but it's the last thing on my mind.

I have to save him.

Clarity falls over my body like a fresh coat of snow and I'm quick to assess an escape route. I reach for his seatbelt first, pulling and tugging until my fingernails are broken and bleeding. And then, after an eternity, the belt breaks free and he's loose from its hold and it's relief I feel through the biting cold. Through the burning of my lungs, I find his eyes and try to communicate my coursing feelings but all I find staring back is sadness - helpless, remorseful, sadness.

I move to tug at my own belt now, pulling with the last of my strength and expecting to find his hands there as well. They're not. It's only me and my feeble attempt. I feel the movement of the water brushing against my skin and when I seek him out its flailing legs and arms I see. His body's moving, swimming away and towards the broken windshield.

But he can't.

He wouldn't.

It's a knife in my chest but it's not the freezing cold, it's my heart breaking. It's the last look he gives me before he disappears out of view and into the darkness.

No.

This can't be real

He wouldn't leave me here.

I try to scream, but it's swallowed in the water. I throw my hands out, beating against nothing and everything.

How could he?

And then the water is firm; it's like ice but too soft and too warm. I'm sweating and crying and screaming but I can hear it now. It rings in my ears like a smoke alarm.

"Bella! It's okay. You're awake. It's was just a nightmare." It's his voice underwater, but I know he's gone. It's a trick.

"No." My hands pound against the wall before me until I'm bound and I can't move anymore.

"Shhh." It's a warm breath in my ear and a hand running through my hair. It's warmth everywhere and the smell of pine and mint. It's _him_.

I clench my eyes further closed and suck in a deep breath to try to calm myself. Was any of it real? Is this real?

"I'm alive?" The question escapes my lungs with an exhale and I feel the cage constrict around me.

"Yes." His lips brush against my ear when he speaks and I shiver at the touch.

It was too real, more real than any nightmare before. It doesn't make sense.

"I felt everything." A sob breaks through my lips with the last word and my body convulses against the confines of his arms.

It's him. He is the cage and the wall around me, holding me close, holding me together. He's here to save me like always.

He didn't leave me. _Not yet._

"Edward?" He finally pulls back, just the slightest, and I can make out his outline in the dark.

I can barely see him but I can feel him all over. His strong arms are wrapped around me, his chest against my side, his legs underneath mine. I'm gathered in his lap and I realize faintly how little I'm wearing. Nothing more than a tee shirt and underwear, the first things I threw on after peeling off my damp and dirty clothes. I wonder if he's noticed, if he cares.

"Hey." His breathe against my face, still so close. "I'm right here. Talk to me."

I open my lips to respond but I'm mute, unable to speak or think about anything aside from his proximity and how badly I want to lean forward just so. It would be easy, just a matter of crossing a few inches of empty space, but the consequences could break me. I grip his arms at the thought. And then I'm pushing, trying desperately to create some space, some room to think clearly. The reality and nightmare are still too intertwined. He's still too close.

"I'm fine." It's a whimper, too far from 'fine' to be believable.

"Stop." I feel his arms gripping mine to stop my movement, proving to me that he's not so easily swayed, not so easily tricked.

"Edward…I'm fine. Please." Desperation seeps into my voice and my anxiety spikes.

He tries a different tactic. One of his hands sneaks around to cup my cheek and I nearly sob at the touch. His perfect hands, they're engrained in my memory, large and warm and rough. I feel it all.

"Bella, I'm not going anywhere." He still sounds too sad and I don't believe him. We both know it's not true. He's here now but tomorrow isn't guaranteed, nothing is.

"Just leave." It's a whisper and a last ditch effort.

"No." His voice is firm this time.

"Please Edward." It's even quieter and my grip on him loosens. I'm starting to lose my nerve. I can't push him away and even if I was strong enough, he won't let me.

"No. Stop doing this Bella. I know you're mad…" He sighs and pulls me closer, if it's even possible, and I can feel every breath and every tense muscle. He's consuming me now more than he ever has. I love him.

"I know that you're upset. But you're not going to push me away that easily. After everything we've been through." He stops again and I hear, so clearly, the shaky breath he draws.

"I think about it every day…how you looked when I pulled you from that water. It was so dark but I could see you like the sun had risen. Your skin…" His thumb brushes slowly over my cheek. "It was as white as the snow. You were so cold, too cold. Your lips." He pauses and so slowly his thumb strays down to run across my bottom lip. If I weren't so beguiled by his words, I'd be kissing him right now.

"Your lips were this dark blue. I could feel your breath at first, could feel your heart beat, but then it stopped. Bella you died in my arms." His breathing quickens and I wonder if he's as close to crying as I am… or if he already is. Everything is flooding back. The memory of waking up in the cold, seeing his face so distraught, and being told that it was a miracle. Being told that I was alive again. I've never seen a black so dark as I did that night, a tunnel so endless. I met death that December and he spared me for some reason I'll never know.

"You died right in front of me and I did everything I could short of prying your fucking chest open to kick start your heart myself. Nothing I did worked. Before the paramedics arrived I was sure…I was sure I lost you." His hands are both on my face now, rubbing small circles over my skin. My eyes snap closed and I focus acutely on the feeling. He's grown quiet and the silence is somehow both calming and deafening, just his breathing and mine. I need to fill it.

"I can't." It's all I can think to say but I don't know exactly what I mean. _I can't handle your words. I can't stay away. I can't stop myself when we're this close, when you're touching me like this._ It's all true.

"I have to leave Bella…but I'm not leaving you. I'll always be here for you." It's all too much, his touch, his soft velvet words.

 _I love you._

It's all pressing against my heart and I don't have the strength to stop my body from taking what it wants.

"I love you." The words fall out on their own accord but they're not careless. I mean them with every cell in my body.

I don't wait for his reaction.

It's less than a foot of empty space crossed and then I'm right where I want to be. It's slow motion, my lips touching his. They're soft, even more so than I'd imagined, as velvet as his words. I suck in a breath through my nose, pine and Edward, my favorite scent so impossibly close. My lips move after the slowest second, trying to be as close to him as I can, chest to chest mouth to mouth. I taste salt and I know he's crying too or maybe it's my own tears between us. It's impossible to tell in the dark. I can feel his hands still cupping my face but they're loose and frozen, the soothing circles halted. His nose presses against my cheek and I let my hands stray quickly to his cheeks, to the prickling unshaven skin. It's even better than I'd imagined and then it's gone. He's gone and I know he's pushed me away.

My absolute joy quickly curdles into panic.

"Bella…" I can't see him but his voice is painfully strained.

"I'm sorry." A sob escapes and then tears fall unbridled from my eyes. This is it. Everything is ruined.

"You can't…fuck." The last word is mumbled and I don't think he meant for me to hear. My chest is tightening with every silent second that follows. My breathing is uncomfortably labored and I wish to sink into the mattress where I sit. I want to disappear.

"I'm sorry." Again with the apology but it's all I can force from my lips as words fail me.

"You're seventeen Bella. You can't…we can't-" He stops short and I hear him take a deep breath, see his silhouette move. His hands are in his hair again. "That can't happen between us."

I feel my insides shrivel along with my pride. I'm so stupid to think for even a second that he would react differently. But I didn't think. If I had, I never would have kissed him. I would have found a way to make him leave. I would have ignored this shattering rejection.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have." More tears and I'm sniffling obnoxiously. _Stupid girl._

'There are so many reasons why that can't…" He continues but stops again. I contract back into the headboard, my feeble attempt at escaping what he'll say next. "I'm sorry if I made you think…Bella I love you, you know that but not like... I'll always be here for you but I can't be here for you like that. We can't-" He's rambling. Mixed words and unfinished thoughts fly from his soft lips like frightened birds. I just want to make it stop. Each word is a finger digging into my opened wounds and I can't take it anymore. I want to fall apart alone, away from him.

"Just go." I grind the words through my teeth, eyes clinched tight.

"Bella don't shut me out." The mattress shifts and his warm hand falls over my leg. I'm too quick to kick it away, pained by his gentle touch.

"Don't touch me." I want to sound strong but the salty tears seep into my voice.

"Please, I don't mean to hurt you, it's the last thing I want but-"

"Then leave!" I grip the fitted sheet in my hands, surely pulling it from the mattress with the force.

It's not fair. I did this. I brought this on the both of us. He's only trying to make it right but everything sounds like static in my ears. Every word he speaks is a spear in my side.

"Please go Edward." I don't try now. My words are filled with pain and I'm sure he hears it. I know Edward's weakness. He told me himself only moments ago. He's always trying to save me but he can't save me now. He can't save me from himself.

He stands slowly, a looming shadow rising in the darkness. And then, so achingly slow, he leaves. I'm alone at last but the relief doesn't come like I'd hoped. It's all still there: the memories of the nightmare, his lingering touch, and my unforgivable mistake.

After what feels like hours of crying alone, a thought grows in my brain in the quiet. It's a seed somehow sprouting amongst the rubble. It tells me, for the first time since they broke the news, that maybe Edward leaving isn't the end.

Maybe it's for the best.

Maybe it's a new beginning…for the both of us.

Somehow, I doubt it though.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Thanks again for reading! I hope you all enjoyed the chapter even though it was kind of a hard pill to swallow. I've seen a lot of requests for an EPOV. I wanted to let everyone know that I'm seriously thinking about it but I'm unsure if I'll post one as of right now. I love the idea but I also love the suspense of not knowing and forcing you into Bella's shoes. Let me know what you think and I'll try to write something and decide then. Another side note, this chapter is named after a Noah Gundersen song. It's from his new album which was released after I started this story but I was so shocked at how well it fit. It definitely inspired me with ideas for the next few chapters and I recommend listening. Thanks again and I can't wait to read your reviews!


	16. Mistake

**Chapter Sixteen: Mistake**

It was a mistake.

I wish desperately to rewind time and take it all back but I can't.

I play the scene over and over again in my head. The moment I moved and the moment he pushed me away. The words he used in an attempt to mend things play in a loop in my mind until I feel physically sick.

I don't sleep.

After the obliteration of my naïve heart, I cry and write but I don't sleep.

I can't.

I hole myself in my room through the dark hours. I watch through puffy eyes as the darkness fades from the sky to a gray sunrise and morning twilight.

He's awake as soon as the daylight and making more noise than usual. I listen with frozen limbs but I don't dare show myself. Time apart is what we need, and plenty of it. I fear I'll never get over him otherwise and I'm resolved to do just that. I need to move on. There's no sense in pining.

One of Edward's police friends, James, arrives around ten in a light blue pickup truck and then the abundant sounds I've heard for hours suddenly become clear. He was packing. Yesterday, he said he'd be staying for a few days but apparently he only meant one. Either that's the case or my confession escalated the timeline. Either way I feel the piercing sting as soon as the first box slides into the bed of the truck. I hear the finality of it with the shrill sound of cardboard scraping over metal.

He's leaving.

I breathe deep and tell myself it's for the best. It's what I need, what we both need. I repeat it in my head like a mantra as I watch them from my bedroom window. Edward brings boxes out and James loads them in the truck. A few times I see James smiling wide. Knowing him, he's cracking jokes but Edward doesn't laugh and he doesn't smile. He's a zombie carrying his life in boxes for close to an hour and then they slam the tailgate closed. That's it.

James leaves but, to my surprise, Edward comes back inside. I hear his footfalls up the steps like thunder after lightening strikes. I hear him stop outside my door and I expect him to knock. I expect him to try and talk through it all again, to try and fix everything like he always does. My savior.

The sound doesn't come. It's just the wind outside and the house creaking and the overwhelming quiet. Minutes tick by so slowly. I'm barely breathing and motionless, my eyes glued to the crack under the door. He's right there, but I've never felt farther apart.

 _What are you thinking Edward?_

I'm a second away from marching across the room and throwing the door open on my own when he leaves, shuffling back down the hall and the stairs and out the slamming screen door. I turn and gaze out the window at his broad back as he retreats towards his waiting squad car. Another tear slides down my cheek. Frankly, I'm surprised there are any left after last night. I move to wipe it away but freeze when he spins around. He's looking right up to me. My first instinct is to duck out of view but it's too late.

He's seen me.

Another tear follows as I drop my hand. The details of his handsome face are skewed by the window screen and the condensation on the glass. The features escape me but I crave them. I yearn to see the gold flecks in his green eyes, the dimple next to his smile, the subtle bronze of his hair. I want to peer into those jade windows and understand where he's at right now. My watery eyes don't see any of it but I see the way his Adam's apple bobs. I see the way his shoulders sag. I wonder if he can see me breaking into pieces. I wonder if this is just as hard for him as it is for me.

He doesn't love me like I love him but I don't doubt that he cares, that he loves me in his own way. After everything, I could never doubt that.

It starts to rain then.

It's a dramatic movie scene crashed in the midst of my life. Heavy drops fall from the clouds but still he doesn't move. He stares up at me, an effigy erected in our front yard.

I still love him too much and I wonder when I won't anymore. Will I ever stop?

When he's soaked through, hair flat on his head and dripping down his face, he finally turns and so do I. I won't watch him drive away. It will only serve to hurt me more. The finality of it all is already real enough.

Instead, I retreat to the bathroom across the hall. My shaking hands turn on the shower to drown out the sounds of his engine starting. I strip away my tee shirt and underwear and slip into the warming water. It washes away the cold and the tears and I wonder if it can wash away the pain as well. It doesn't.

It's one of the longest days of my life.

Minutes feel like hours but finally the sun dips under the horizon and night falls again.

I'm in the kitchen making a cup of tea in the dark when I hear the front door open.

My muscles freeze and I slowly set my mug on the granite with a resounding clink.

 _Is it him?_

 _Did he come back already?_

The florescent light flicks on overhead and I squint and flinch at the attacking brightness.

"Bella…what are you doing in the dark?" It's not his voice. It's her's. The disappointment sinks in my stomach like soured milk.

When I finally turn to face her, I find a false smile fastened to her glossed lips.

I hate it.

I feel disgusted at the sight of her and I wonder if it's even possible to make things right between us at this point. Is the damage too much to mend?

"Sweetie?"

"I'm making tea." Her eyes volley between the steaming mug and me and she seems to accept my response. I'm amazed I managed something so civil.

"Alright." And then she's gone and up the stairs to the room they once shared without another word.

She'll find it empty of any trace of Edward, but I doubt she'll care. I'm not sure she cares about anything anymore. Maybe I should follow suit. Maybe if I were more like my mother, more numb and unconcerned, maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much to see him go. Maybe none of this would have happened to begin with.

But I could never be like her.

 _She's nothing like you._

His words from their whispered argument come back to me and a shiver travels the length of my spine.

He was right.

With the warm mug clasped in my hands I ascend the stares and close myself back in the confines of my room. My back is against the headboard, my journal upon my lap, when I see the flash of light from my cell phone. Tentative hands reach for it, scooping it from the nightstand and staring at his name across the screen.

Edward.

It's a text.

I'm curious to read it yet fearful all the same. What could he have to say to me…and over text at that? I stare at the screen until the light dulls and the screen turns black and I still don't look away.

When I finally find the courage to read it, I'm quick to unlock it and press my finger over the notification reading his name.

' _If you ever need me…'_

The text bubble below his words lists an address on main street, Apartment F. Is it his new home or is he staying with James or someone else? Is he with friends a beer in hand? Is he sitting in a barren apartment surrounded by boxes? Is he all alone and thinking about me, like I'm thinking about him? Questions fire in my mind in rapid succession. It's those types of thoughts that led me here in the first place. I force them to a screeching halt.

I don't respond. I wouldn't dare, even if I knew what to say. Instead, I click the screen black again and set the device facedown on the peeling paint of my nightstand.

The days drone on after that. Life after Edward is slow and monotonous. He doesn't reach out to me again and I reread his message until it's carved into my memory but I don't respond. I work and write and thankfully the night terrors don't return. Renee leaves early and returns late. I hear her but I don't see her again and I'm grateful for her distance now more than ever. I need a mother but I don't need her.

I tell Angela and Jake about Renee and Edward separating and they act surprised but they're not really. The space between Renee and her husband was obvious for months unless you chose to ignore it. I want to call Alice too but I don't. I find her name in my phone a dozen times at least but I never press call. I'm desperate to spill my heart to her but I know the news of their divorce shouldn't come from me. He's her brother and he should be the one to tell her.

Two weeks after he left, I find myself in Jake's backyard barn he uses as a garage. He's slid beneath my truck looking at something I can't name. On top of everything else, my truck will only start when it wants to this week and I've already been late to work twice because of it.

"Needle nose pliers." His grease-stained hand sticks out from under the orange beast and I search blindly through his toolbox for something that matches that description. _Needle nose, needle nose, needles nose._ It's a mental chant encouraging my hands as they push around bits of metal and rubber. I find two tools that I think might work and crouch down to place them in his palm.

"Why are you handing me two things?" He slides out into the light and I find his tanned face is almost as dirty as his hands. He looks down to what I handed him and laughs with bright white teeth.

"These are the ones." He holds up the skinner pliers and tosses the other nameless item to the toolbox a few feet away.

"I don't know!" I throw my arms up and shake my head and he only laughs harder.

"And you say I'm impossible. You've been in this garage countless times Swan." He fixes me with that melted chocolate stare and I'm struck briefly by the way the light glitters in his eyes.

He really is handsome.

I open my mouth to respond but stop short when my phone vibrates angrily in my back pocket. I stand and pull it from the denim confines but halt when I see her name across the screen.

Alice.

She's calling.

"I have to take this." I shoot another quick glance to Jake as I walk away and hear him calling out behind me.

"Fine but I'm giving you a class on tools when you get back."

I open the squeaking door and step out into the dull light of day before bringing the phone to my ear.

"Alice?" I'm whispering but I'm not sure why.

"What the fuck is going on Bells?" Her voice is a familiar screech and I'm happy she's not standing in front of me or I'd have thrown myself on top of her in tears.

"What?"

"I just talked to Edward. They're divorcing? He moved out? Are you okay?"

"Whoa, slow down Alice." I almost laugh at how quickly she's spilling out questions but I can't, not about this and not when she sounds on the edge of panic.

"Bella are you okay?" She speaks slower and her words are laced with concern.

"I'm…I'm…" I stutter while I try to find the truth. "I don't know Alice. I'm not fine. I'm trying to be though."

"Ugh, I'm so sorry. I knew things were bad with them and I'm not going to pretend that I'm not happy that they're finally handling it but I hate that you're in the middle of it." I hear her sigh and pause before she continues. " Edward said he texted you but he hadn't heard back. He sounded worried Bells…" She doesn't finish her statement but I know what she wants. She wants me to call him. She wants me to let him know that I'm not planning to hurl myself off a roof or over a bridge. I'm definitely not but I don't want to talk to him. Not now.

"Alice...I…I told him."

"What do you mea-." She stops and I hear her harsh gasp. "You told him? When? What did he say? He didn't tell me that." Of course he wouldn't tell her. Hopefully he'll never tell anyone.

"I told him that night…after they broke the news to me. God, I didn't mean to." I'm running my hand through my tangled hair as the memories flood back. The confusion, the embarrassment, and the pain – It's all so fresh in my mind. I hate the clarity of the memory but revel in the relief of finally confessing it to Alice.

"I had a nightmare and he was there and he was so just so kind and perfect and close and I told him and then-" I stop and pull a gulp of air into my lungs. "I kissed him." The final confession is a whisper and I throw a backward glance to the closed door. I can hear the muffled rap music from Jake's radio and I pray he's not eavesdropping.

"You kissed him? Oh my god Bella." I imagine her sitting down to drink in the words.

"I know." _So stupid._ My hand runs over my face as a fresh wave of embarrassment sweeps over me. I think I'll regret that moment for the rest of my life. I take another few steps away from the tattered barn over the gravel and dewy grass.

"What did he say? What did he do?"

Another glance back to the barn. "He pushed me away, told me we can't."

"Ugh, I'm gonna kill him." I hear a dull thud through the speaker and I wonder if she's hit something.

"No. I mean…what else was he supposed to do Alice? It wasn't the right time. I wasn't the right person. He wasn't cruel about it." I realize the truth to my words as I speak them. He may be the one in my eyes but that's certainly not how he sees me. How could he? He's known me since I was a child. For years he treated me almost as if I was his child. I swallow hard at that. No, considering the situation he was far from cruel.

"I know…it just…it sucks." I laugh without smiling when I hear her response, a quote from me on prom night.

"It does."

"I'll talk to him Bells."

"No! Don't you dare Alice. I'll call him eventually. We'll fix it. I just…I need time and so does he."

"Okay." I don't believe her one word response. She's never one to give up so easily.

"I mean it Al."

She sighs again, "Fine! But I want you to call me if you need anything. Seriously. Things may be different but I'm always here. I'll always be your family. Okay?" When she's done I'm wiping away tears and clearing my throat to hide them in my voice.

"Thank you Alice."

And with her reassurances, I don't feel quite so alone.

Maybe with the right support I can grow.

Perhaps I am strong enough to grow on my own…without him.


	17. Beach Baby

**Chapter Seventeen: Beach Baby**

Somehow, I let Angela convince me.

It's the fourth of July and I'm at a beach in La Push lounging on a striped towel under the sun and wearing a barely there cherry red bikini. She picked it out for me last week at a boutique in Port Angeles. My normally modest friend is wearing just as little but I still feel ridiculously uncomfortable, a sentiment I've voiced to her several times since our arrival.

"Girls! Are you going to come take a dip or what?" It's Jacob, jogging toward us, bare-chested and soaking wet. I want to roll my eyes but I can hardly peel them away from his russet skin. Luckily I'm also wearing a pair of dark sunglasses and he's none the wiser.

"It might be mildly warmer out here but that water is probably freezing. No thanks." Angela remains focused on the book in her hand, hardly moving a muscle to give her response.

"Swan?" He's closer now and I fight the urge to cover myself when his eyes fall on me. It feels like miles of my pale skin are exposed and he's all too happy to drive over it with his gaze.

"I second Angela's notion."

"Oh really?" And then he's leaning forward and shaking his hair over me. Water droplets fall and sting my skin like ice cubes. I screech and hold my hands up in a feeble attempt at defense but it does nothing to guard from the glacial assault.

"Jake!" A flash of white teeth with a deep chuckle and then he's sprinting away as quickly as he arrived. I think of retaliation but he's already in the cold water, swimming out to throw a Frisbee with his cousins Quill and Seth and a frozen looking Ben.

"Ugh." I rub my hands over my arms to sooth the goose bumped skin.

"He's so into you." Angel's sits up on her elbows and pulls her glasses down just low enough so I can see her eyes. "That was grade A flirting."

"It's not happening Ang." My head is shaking as I stand, hoping to dry myself with the towel underneath me. She's been more than hinting at the idea of Jacob and me together since before prom but it's the last thing I need right now. I'm finally starting to feel halfway normal again, finally beginning to find my rhythm in a life without _him_. Jacob is great and he's been a good friend and a welcome distraction but he deserves someone who's ready to give her full heart.

I don't know if that will ever be me.

"Come on Bella, you can't deny that he likes you."

"Maybe he does, but I'm not there yet. To me he's still the kid I grew up with and it's not so easy to move past that." It's a white lie. It's been a while since I've seen Jake that way but I can't tell Angela the real reason why.

 _I'm still in love with my almost ex-stepfather who basically broke my heart and hasn't spoken to me in over a month._

That doesn't have quite the same ring to it even with the shock and awe factor.

"Finnnee" She whines and lies back down before turning over on her stomach. "Hmmm…what about them?"

"What?" I follow her pointing finger across the beach to a group of shirtless boys…no, _men_ , at least college aged. They're tossing a football and drinking from koozied beverages, probably beers but they're too far away to tell much of anything.

"No." I snort and plop back down on my towel, still cold but feeling marginally better.

"Come on!"

"Ever since you and Ben did the deed you've been pushing this -" I'm ready to argue my point further but she interrupts.

"Because it's…it's incredible Bella." I make a face and she laughs but continues as she removes her sunglasses completely. "Not the sex per se. I mean it's great, but everything else. Being in love…it's amazing and I want that for you." She's gazing out at Ben. My eyes follow hers just in time to witness him getting hit in the back by a wave as he's jumping for the Frisbee. He falls under the water, arms flailing, and Angela smiles wide and giggles soft with starry eyes. I want so badly to confess to her that I know what she means. At least I think I know.

"I get it Ang." I'm about to continue my defense but halt when a balls lands between us with a thump. I draw my eyebrows together and stare at the offending object, momentarily confused, but Angel's quick to catch on.

"It's fate!" She grabs for the football from the sand and shoves it in my hands. "Go! Take it back to them."

"Angela!" I'm sure my eyes look like saucers. I'm not one to actively engage with strangers of the opposite sex and certainly not when I'm half naked.

"Go!" She gives me a push and I'm on my feet and trudging in their direction while throwing a frown over my shoulder at my so-called friend.

When I finally turn to face the group of guys I see one jogging towards me. From my distant perspective, I take the opportunity to gaze over his form. He's tall and muscular, clad in a pair of black board shorts that hang low on his hips. He's certainly fit. I smirk slightly to myself and wonder if Angela is on to something. Maybe a distraction could be good for me, especially one that's not as familiar as Jake.

He's growing closer now and I let my eyes wander up to his face and I cease my steps at what I find there.

Windswept auburn locks, chiseled jaw, perfect lips.

No.

This has to be a nightmare.

I almost drop the ball from my hands then and there but somehow manage not to.

He jogs another yard or so and then his steps falter as well. His purposeful strides slow to a walk, his easy smile falls, and then he's only a few feet away.

"Bella." My name falls from his lips, laced with surprise. Another step, and he's right there. I could touch him if I wanted to but I don't.

I don't reach. I don't speak. I can hardly think.

"How…how are you?" His voice is as smooth as always, velvet and deep and floating over the ocean breeze. He swallows and his throat bobs below his clenched jaw. He's just the same as I remember and my stomach fills with a churning storm.

His eyebrows draw together as the silence stretches on. I'm not speaking and I can only assume that he's worried as always.

 _Speak Bella._

"I'm okay." It's the truth. No need for fallacies, he'll know either way.

"You look good." His eyes gaze over my form and he's quick to realize the error in his words. "I didn't mean-"

"I know what you meant. Don't worry. I haven't misread what you said." It's a cutting dig but I can't stop it from falling from my lips.

This is all so sickeningly awkward.

I'm thrown off kilter completely. I wasn't prepared for this, not now and not so soon.

I've thought about this conversation at least a thousand times since he left but it was never like this. I never imagined I'd be wearing so little when I saw him again. I never imagined him to be so shirtless. My eyes roam on their own accord at the thought. His chest is firm and rippled with lean muscle. It's covered in just the right amount of auburn hair, a patch on his chest and one that trails down his stomach. He looks too good, even better than I remember. I want to soak it all in but snap my gaze away before he understands too well what I'm thinking.

I need to focus. I need to gather my thoughts.

When I find his beautiful green eyes they're tinged with hurt.

"I'm sorry Bella. I don't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just wondered how you were. " His tone is so strangely formal. I hate it. "I haven't heard from you."

"Isn't that what you wanted?" It's word vomit. It spills out on it's own accord and I want to take it back but I mean it all the same. Everything hurt for so long and at times it was so easy to blame him but I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't.

"No." He's shaking his head and he reaches out but I'm quick to take a step back. I take a deep breath and shut my eyes tightly for the briefest moment to clear my head.

"It's fine. I understand Edward. We both needed the space." When my eyes open again, he's still shaking his head but I don't know why. I can't look at him anymore, not when he's so close. I look past him briefly, to his group of friends, so oblivious to the weighty conversation unfolding yards away.

If only they knew.

"I'm sorry. None of this is coming out how I wanted." His hands are in his hair and I'm still clutching the football awkwardly over my naked stomach. When he looks back to me I see his gaze flit behind me and his eyes darken and narrow just so.

With a glance thrown over my shoulder, I find Jacob at the edge of the water. He's staring toward us, chest squared with arms flexed at his side. Its such a purposefully dominant alpha dog stance that I nearly laugh. My lips are still bowed up slightly when I turn back to Edward. He's quick to catch the almost smile and his brows draw together further.

"Jacob?" Its sounds like he has something stuck in his throat.

"He probably thinks your some random guy flirting with me."

"Are you two…?" His question hangs in the air for a moment while I decide if I should answer? Do I owe him an answer? What good will it do?

"That's none of your concern." The words are somewhat harsh but my tone isn't. I don't want to be cruel. I just want this to end. I want to go back to an easy beach day with my friends.

I watch as his expression hardens.

"Bella can we talk?" His question is a deep whisper as he takes another step towards me, arm outstretched. I wonder if he wants to touch me, wants that familiarity we used to share so easily. I wonder if it's still there at all.

"We are talking." I shake my head in confusion and wonder what more he could possibly have to say.

My mind flits through the possibilities and stops on one that fills me with contempt.

If he dares to ask me about _her_ …

"Not here. Somewhere else." His hand is back in his hair and he keeps glancing over my shoulder. "Can we get lunch maybe? Sometime this week?"

"I don't know." My lips are pursed and I'm swallowing the panic in my throat. I can't see him again so soon. I need more time.

I still want him.

"Please Bella." He reaches out farther this time and his hand falls warm over mine. My eyelids flutter closed and I suck in a breath though my nostrils. It's the smallest spark that runs through me. It's a spark I know too well, a spark capable of creating an irrepressible blaze. My skin prickles with goose bumps and a shiver runs through my bones. I can't say no. Not when he's right here again. Skin to skin and holding my hand like he used to.

"Fine." My voice is shaky and I don't meet his eyes. "I should go." I pull my hand away from his touch quickly, like ripping off a bandage, and hold the ball out for him to take.

When he finally lifts it from my grip, I spin on bare heels and march back toward the distant figure in the sand I know to be Angela. I don't look back but I hear him holler out.

"I'll be in touch."

When I get back to Angela I'm an emotional wreck, stuck somewhere between bewilderment, anger, and elation. She's smiling at first but it falls away quickly when she sees me.

"What's wrong? You were over there for a while…I thought it was going well?" She sits up on her towel and removes the glasses hiding her worried eyes.

"It was Edward."

"What?" She looks genuinely confused for a moment.

"The guy, with the football, It was Edward." My voice is dull to my own ears.

I won't meet him. I won't 'get lunch'. I decide it right then and there. I can't handle it right now. I don't know if I ever can, not if I want to progress past this.

"God, Bella, I'm sorry I sent you over there. I didn't know." She's standing now, approaching me slowly like you would a wounded animal.

"What's wrong? That guy bothering you?" Jacob materializes next to me and I feel his warm hand span across my lower back. It's comforting but it's nothing like _his_ hand in mine.

Lungs sigh with eyes clenched close. "No, he wasn't."

"It was Edward." Angela whispers the words like I'm not standing mere feet away.

" _Edward_ , Edward?" I look to his surprised expression and nod. "Is that the first time you've seen him since he bailed." Jacob means well but I can already feel a headache sprouting behind my eyes.

"Yes...and it was really fucking awkward." Angela's eyebrows lift instantly at my shocking choice of words.

"I'm fine, lets just forget it okay?" I watch Angela and Jake exchanging a look of some kind and then they both nod slowly.

"I think I need to cool off." Without further preamble, I kick through the sand towards the water. Towards the rolling ocean and sea foam white. It meets my toes with a refreshing chill and I march on, wading out until I'm waste deep and fighting waves to stay standing.

Only then do I turn around and face the beach. I look past Jake treading in my direction, past Angela on the shore. I look to the empty place in the sand where I left him.

He's gone again.

Just like that.

Past that spot, my eyes wander but still there's no sign of him. No auburn hair and black board shorts amongst the group of running men.

It's like he was never there at all.

I almost wish that were the case.

Almost…


	18. Where Have You Been?

**Chapter Eighteen: Where Have You Been?**

The sun still shines from the summer sky but I can already hear the fireworks over my rumbling engine. I stayed for two more hours until I couldn't anymore. Angela begged me to remain for a bonfire on the beach but I left with the excuse of a headache. I wasn't forced to feign the ailment, my temple throbs and my eyes burn in a very real way. I want my bed and my journal and a strong aspirin.

His perfect face flashes in my mind. His nervous eyes, the way his throat moved when he swallowed. Just when I'm back on the right path he appears again, somehow occupying the same beach on the same day at the same time. It's a very cruel twist of fate.

I'm resolved not to meet him like he'd asked. Even then, it's a small town and I can hardly avoid him forever. I need to leave.

My mind is on college apps and SAT prep when I pull into the drive. I'm out of my truck and stalking up the walkway before I see him.

Phillip Dwyer.

He's Janet Waldrop's recently ex-husband and the baseball coach for Fork's middle school. None of which explains what he's doing here.

He's exits the screen door and stomps down the front steps before he sees me.

"Bella? Is that you?" He wears a sideways smile that makes my stomach turn. As I step closer his beady eyes scan over me and for the umpteenth time today I wish I were wearing more. The loose cover-up I don hardly does enough to hide my bikini-clad body.

"Look at you…all grown up," he drawls.

Gross.

"Hi Mr. Dwyer." I offer a stiff smile and clutch the beach bag in my hand over my front in an attempt to hide myself further.

I glance from him to the house and even though I don't speak, the question is there.

 _What the hell are you doing here?_

His eyes follow mine and then he shoves his hands securely in the pockets of his jeans. I imagine how clammy they must be.

"I was just dropping something off for Renee." I see a bead of sweat shimmering on the corner of his temple; see the way his lips thin with an uneasy smile.

Even without the obvious clues I know he's lying. I'd assumed Renee might be seeing someone but I never thought it would be Phil. Especially considering all of the girl talk I've overheard from her and Jan over the years and all the times my mother has spoken so negatively about him.

We're both standing still, in some strange faceoff on my walkway. He has to know that I know. I give him a lengthy stare and watch, as more sweat appears on his leathery skin. This perspiring middle-aged man is nothing compared to the one who came before him. I can't understand it.

After an awkward stretch of time I step to the side and he's quick to take that as his cue to leave.

"Happy fourth." He mutters as he passes and then he's in his car and reversing away.

I watch him go, baffled furthermore.

When I enter the front door, I find my mother in the living room sipping a glass of wine in front of the TV and wearing a purple silk robe. If Phil hadn't already confirmed my theory, this certainly does. I'm not surprised, just disgusted.

"Bella?" Her blue eyes widen when she sees me and she pulls her robe further closed. "I thought you were out with friends tonight."

"I left early." I drop my bag by the door and step further into the living room. "I saw Phil."

Her false smile falls and she sits up a bit straighter.

"He just had a…a business proposal he was running by me." She stumbles over her sad excuse and I look down to her silk robe once again. Does she take me for a fool?

"How long?"

"What?" Her dainty hand directs the wine glass to a coaster on the coffee table and then she's sitting forward and pretending to be confused. Fake. Everything about her is a sham.

"How long have you been having an affair with your best friend's husband." She flinches back at my words and her gaze narrows.

"I don't know what you're implying…"

"I'm not implying anything mother." I'm controlled rage and biting words. I want to hurt her. "I think I posed my question _very_ clearly."

"That's none of your business young lady." She's standing now, trying to assert her authority after months of neglect. Don't pretend to be a parent now Renee.

"Of course it's my business. You brought him into our home. You've broken our family apart. " I pause my verbal assault as a thought appears in my mind. "Did he know?" I whisper the question but I know the answer.

Of course he knew, but for how long.

Silence stretches and I can't stand it. I can't stand the offended look on her face or the way her lips nearly disappear when she's angry. I can't stand the way she pretends to be this vision of morality and perfection when she's a world away from it. I can't stand _her_.

"All these months you've been gone. You were with him." It's not a question. I know it. She's certainly the type to choose a man over her family. "And Edward…he knew."

She's shaking with anger. Her tanned skin is tinged red and I watch a vein protruding from her forehead. I watch it pulse as she lifts a pointed finger toward me.

"Go to your room!" It's comical really and I can't help the smile that lifts my lips, the laugh that floats into the air. I shake my head and watch the surprise cover her face. She wasn't expecting gentle Bella to laugh at her steely command.

"Gladly." I don't stomp. I don't slam doors. I stroll leisurely up the stairs and change into an old tee and jeans. I won't stay under the same roof with her tonight. Sleep clothes and jeans and toiletries, I toss it all in a duffle bag and trudge back down the stairs, my sneakers squeaking over the hardwood.

"Where do you think your going?" She's standing in the same spot, some reality show droning in the background.

"Away from you." And then I'm gone, out the door and in my truck before she can lie again.

I breathe deep and grip the wheel a little too tightly but I don't cry. I'm over it, I'm over her and him and the messes they've made. I'm looking forward and not back, not anymore. At least that's what I tell myself, but as I drive it's difficult not to get distracted by the flashing of fireworks in the night sky, by fuzzy memories of the exploding colors on New Years Eve. I push away the memories of him lying by my side, his hand in mine.

 _Don't look back._

I drive until I'm back at the gravel lot near the beach. I'd almost driven straight to Angela's but I knew she'd still be here. The sound of crashing waves grows louder as I trudge over the dark path toward the ocean. After several minutes of soles over sand, I see the glittering orange of a bonfire up ahead and hear the comforting laughter of my friends. This is where I belong right now.

"Bella!" Angela sees me first and stands from the log where she's perched next to her beau.

I watch all eyes turn in my direction and then Angela appears next to me, asking a series of silent questions with her concerned brown eyes.

"I'll fill you in later." I whisper and she nods in acceptance.

I find an open spot next to Quill and look through the flames to find Jake's chocolate eyes smoldering. It's only then that I notice Leah Clearwater at his side, sitting close and clutching at his arm. She's a statuesque brunette, a year older than us, and heading to Washington State in the fall. He's always fancied her and from the looks of it she's finally noticed him. Good.

I send him a small smile to ease his obvious worry and watch his lips pull up in return. It's nothing but the crackling fire and explosions in the sky for a stretch of time and then Ben's breaking the silence with a joke about the dead fish he swam into earlier.

The response is a mix of laughter and revulsion but the air feels alive around us, light and joyous. The feeling is so different than how it was in that house, the one that used to be my home. I'm not sure where that is anymore. A tickle in the back of my mind whispers that it's him, Edward is my home, but I ignore it with all my might. It's a crazy thought that I can't acknowledge.

My gaze wanders around the circle, soaking in the smiles and the feeling of being here right now. It's the perfect medicine after the day I've had. More fireworks light up the sky and all eyes turn upward. It's thunderous sounds of red and blue and shimmering gold. The corners of my lips lift towards the stars and I breathe in the sulfur air.

And then I feel it, the vibration of my phone in my pocket. Everyone I want to talk to is here aside from Alice and I fear what I'll find when I look to the screen. Even so, I can't help myself. The curiosity is strong. It moves my muscles and my tentative hands until the dim screen is alight and I see his name.

Edward.

What more can he have to say?

My fingers move and then his message appears.

' _It was good to see you today.'_ I can't stop the warmth that blooms at the idea that he's thinking of me amidst all the holiday celebration.

The phone vibrates again and another message appears before my eyes.

" _I meant what I said. Just say when and I'll be there."_ I picture his strong hands typing the message only moments ago and I want so badly to reply.

I want to talk to him. After today and my encounters with Phil and then Renee, I have questions abounding. I want to ask him everything and see the answers cross his perfect face. I want to change my mind about meeting him.

I want it all but I will not.

Nothing good can come of it. I won't fall into that cycle. I won't keep making the same mistakes and expecting a different outcome. I know my direction and it's not backwards. How easily it was to almost forget.

With my phone shoved back in the pocket of my jeans I focus more fully on my friends and their easy banter. I chat with Leah and ignore Jake's heavy gaze. I laugh with Angela and somehow get roped into arm wrestling Quill. It's silly and I lose almost instantly but the mindless fun is perfect.

I almost forget about him entirely until my phone vibrates again a few hours later. I'm sitting in my truck in Angela's driveway, collecting my things to head inside, when I feel my phone tickle against my leg. I know it's him before I even look.

' _Please don't shut me out again. You can always talk to me.'_

His words are stomach sinking and palms sweating. I'm shaking my head as I read it even though I know he can't see. It's true, it was always so easy to talk to him, so easy to spill my heart knowing that he would listen and he would know exactly the right thing to say. He was always my rock and my solace and now that he's not my soul feels a bit lost. It's a confusing and painful thing to have a wandering soul, a rootless heart.

The real pain is knowing precisely what my heart wants but also knowing how impossible it is. It keeps leaping so faithfully toward its need and I keep pulling it back. How much of that can a heart take? I suppose I'll find out in time.

He is right though. I could always talk to him, but not anymore. Any contact now would only serve to hurt, to kindle the flame that's forever destined to be snuffed out. To say it would be pointless is unfair but it certainly wouldn't be beneficial, not for me.

I bite my lip and swallow back the burning in my throat as I think of my response. I'd pledged to ignore him but now I fear that won't work. If I know Edward like I think I do, I know he's persistent, especially with me. I need to respond. I need him to understand why a clean break would be best.

My fingers move over the screen quickly and I hit send before I lose my nerve. And then it's gone; my words etch into the screen and roll over the air to the place where he is, wherever that may be.

I read his reassurance again.

' _You can always talk to me.'_

I wish I could. I wish so desperately that I could talk to him always, that I could truly know him. But alas, I'm not a fool and I need to be realistic for us both. I need to move on with my life and let him move on with his.

And so I said to the man I love.

' _I don't think I can anymore…"_


	19. Candles

**Chapter Nineteen: Candles**

My vision is cloaked in black.

I see nothing but I can feel everything.

I feel the air against my bare skin. It's not cold but warm and humid. There are rough fingertips and gripping hands. They're on my arms and my stomach and my hips. They're everywhere. It's full hearts beating against each other and hot breath against my lips.

 _His_ breath.

He moves and I feel the hair on his chest brush softly against my breasts. I feel his hipbone grind against mine. I feel _him_.

I feel him in a way I never have before, in a way I've never felt anyone. It makes me gasp and shudder and moan.

And then his voice floats through the hot air between us.

"Are you sure?" His muscles tense and I know he's nervous. I am too.

But then a light glows from behind him, warm and golden. It's a halo surrounding his perfect face and I know my answer. It bursts from the warmth in my stomach and through my fluttering chest. There's not a doubt in my mind, in my soul.

"Yes." I nod alongside my whisper and the smile that pulls to his face is the most beautiful thing I've even seen.

He's breathtaking.

"I love you Bella." A glorious heat burns through my heart.

And then he leans down to kiss me and I know what will happen next, what I've been waiting for. I ache for it but it never comes.

Instead, something is ringing.

It's faint and incessant in my ear.

I'm gasping but it's not the same. My eyes open again and everything shifts. I'm in my room still, but clutching at the heavy comforter instead of him. Daylight seeps through the warm air and I know I'm alone. It's just me with my cell phone buzzing on the nightstand and my skin flushed and tingling.

It was just a dream.

It was so very real but still just a figment of my fantastical imagination.

I haven't seen him up close and in the flesh in over two months but Edward has plagued my dreams nearly every night since. Not like he used to, not in a cold and terrifying way but in a way almost as unbearable, in a way that can never be reality. He's always too close and saying words I know he'll never say in a way he'd never say them.

I'm a tight coil of repressed feelings but I press on.

Suddenly my ringing phone ceases and I finally find it with bleary eyes.

I wonder if it was the man of my dreams. If he somehow knows the inappropriate thoughts my subconscious procured, if he can sense his face in my mind.

Through the drizzling summer he's had a way of texting when I least expect it. He'd grown quiet for several days after my response in Angela's driveway and I thought that was the end. I thought my words had been enough. But then his presence arose again with renewed vigor and I knew that I wasn't getting rid of him so quickly or so easily.

I still remember the first message after the silence.

' _I know you need time, but I'll always be here if you need me.'_

The sentence was a defibrillator to my frozen heart. It was chest clenching but strangely comforting. Even though I knew I wouldn't respond, it felt good to know he'd meant the promises he made. I've pushed him away time and time again and he hasn't given up. I'd hoped he wouldn't.

He doesn't ask to meet again. His messages are short and simple after that, no more than a sentence or two and usually rhetorical. Text after text, day after day. Sometimes his words fill my eyes with salty tears and other times I laugh out loud. It makes me feel closer to him in a new way, without the pressure to respond, without the burden of his touch, his eyes on me, or his voice in my ear. I can see him in his words. I can see his kindness, his thoughtfulness, and all the wonderful things I've been trying to forget in my haste to get over him.

' _I hope you're doing well.'_

' _Wear a jacket today. It's supposed to be summer but it sure as hell doesn't feel like it. '_

' _I had a nightmare last night. I hope you don't still have them too."_

' _James is terrible at scrabble.'_

' _Today is a perfect day for fishing.'_

' _First day of senior year. Break a leg…scratch that, be very careful.'_

I'd laughed hard at that one. Even with time and distance, he knows my clumsiness well. Some things never change and unfortunately my coordination is one of them.

I'm still staring at my phone, clenching cotton fabric, and wondering if he'll text me today. Of course he will. It chimes and I know whoever was calling must have left a voicemail.

I take a moment to clear any images of his bare skin against mine from my mind before I clutch the device in my hand. When the screen lights up I see 3 missed calls from Alice and an unread text from Edward. My heart freezes and I feel the sick of worry in my chest. Has something happened? The awaiting voicemail is from the former and I'm quick to click the notification while painful scenarios fly through my mind.

' _Happy Birthday Bells! Eighteen already! Call me back!'_

My tense muscles melt and my head falls back against the cold pillow.

Today is my birthday.

I'd forgotten after the vivid dream still lingering on the edges of my memory.

When I check the awaiting text from him it's along the same vein as Alice's voicemail message.

' _Happy Birthday Bella. I hope you have the beautiful day you deserve.'_

My heart flutters as I drink in his words again and again. After two months of this one-way conversation I know he deserves a response. He deserves better than the treatment I've given him. I'm just not sure I can give him that without falling harder in the process.

I click the screen and let my shaking fingers hover over the letters. I don't have to spill my heart. A simple thank you would be appropriate. It would tell him I'm listening, that I still care. Boy do I care. I type out the two words and prepare to hit send when my phone starts to ring and vibrating once more.

It's Alice again. She's just as persistent as her brother, maybe more so. I sit up in bed and run a hand through tangled locks as the ringing endures.

"Bella!" She sings through the speaker as soon as I accept the call. "Finally you're awake."

"Alice." I can't help but smile.

"Eighteen, you're officially an adult. How does it feel?" My feet touch the cold floor and I'm padding over toward the window and laughing lightly at Alice's never ending enthusiasm.

"It feels…" I stop short as I see it. Phil Dwyer's red mustang sits comfortably in the driveway once again. He practically lives here now, even more so since the divorce was finalized last week.

"Bells?" Alice's voice breaks me from my stupor.

"Sorry." I shake my head with the apology, hoping to rid my mind of any thoughts of them. "It feels exactly the same as seventeen."

"Yeah, Yeah…Any fantastic plans?"

"A whole lot of nothing and then dinner with friends." I pull the curtain closed in front of my eyes and pace over the squeaking hardwood.

"No plans with… Renee?" She pauses before saying her name but I can still hear the frown in her voice.

"You know the answer to that."

"Things still rough?" I hear the sound of birds singing and I imagine her sitting outside, somewhere beautiful near campus. Somewhere void of my Forks problems.

"You bet." She sighs and I know her tiny hands must be balled into fists. I've never heard Alice sound angrier than when she talks about my mother.

I get it. I've felt that way the last few months as well, scorned by the revelations of her affair and the selfishness she has no desire to shake. I can't relate to her, can't fathom why she makes the decisions she makes and it's infuriating and heartbreaking. At least it was. Now I'm just numb and waiting for the day I can move far away from it all.

"I won't say anything else Bells, you know how I feel about the whole shit show." Another sigh in my ear through the speaker.

"Thanks." I'm about to ask how things are with Jasper but I stop when she speaks again, slow and quiet.

"He told me that he's been texting you." She doesn't have to provide any context. We both know exactly whom she's talking about.

"He has…" I don't know what to say. I know that I can be honest with Alice but it's her brother and the whole situation is insanely complicated.

"He misses you Bells. I know he does. He always asks me about you when we talk." I swallow hard at her confession and then an image from my R-rated dream flashes through my mind. I'm definitely not telling her about that.

"I don't know what to say Alice."

"Just…don't ignore him forever okay." Her voice is strained; this is hard for her too. I know it is, and I almost regret putting her in the middle of it.

"I won't. I promise." And I do. I'm resolved to text him back today. I'll finish what I started before she called.

Luckily the conversation shifts to a lighter place after that. Alice forces me to agree to a trip to the University of Washington soon. She wants to give me an Alice certified tour and hopefully change my mind on where I'll be heading in the spring. I applied to Udub along with a few other schools but my heart is already set on the east coast, somewhere far away and new. I haven't told her as much but I know she suspects it.

We talk about Jasper and how he asked her to move in with him. Even though she acts unsure about the decision, I know she will. She loves him. I can hear it in her voice when she talks about him.

When we finally hang up, we've been on the phone for almost an hour.

I quickly shower and ready myself. To my relief, I somehow manage to leave the house without running into Phil or Renee. I've seen and _heard_ enough of them lately to last me a lifetime. Their open affection is more than enough to turn my stomach on top of everything else.

I get a late breakfast at a small café in town with Angela before her family leaves for a camping trip. Our conversation is easy and thankfully she doesn't bring up boys and her endless quest to set me up with someone. After brunch, I spend the rest of my afternoon in the bookshop perusing the cramped shelves and reading more back cover summaries than I can count. It's a nearly perfect afternoon.

When the sun starts to set in the purple sky I walk through the familiar glass door at the diner, a bell ringing from above, to find Jake, Leah, Quil, and Ben at our regular booth. They're all laughing at something as I draw near and eye the balloons hovering over the table.

"Bella!" Jake is up and wrapping his arms around me before I can find time to react. He lifts me in the air and spins me around before planting a sloppy kiss on my cheek.

"Happy Birthday Swan." I hear his deep voice in my ear as he sets me free and I can breathe again.

A string of enthusiastic 'Happy Birthday' greetings sound from the table and I look down over their familiar grinning faces.

"Thanks guys." I don't have to force the smile that pulls at my lips. I'm more than happy to spend my birthday with this group.

I slide into the cherry colored booth between Ben and Jake and across from Quil and Leah. Quil asks how my day has been and pretends to be interested in my recounting of the trip to the bookstore A few minutes later a big haired waitress takes our orders and delivers a tray of cold beverages. I'm sipping on an icy glass of coke, listening to Ben's latest tale, and pretending I don't notice Jake and Leah's footsie under the table when the new British lit teacher walks through the door.

"Hey, it's Ms. Denali." Ben interrupts his own story and all eyes shift in her direction. The strawberry blonde teacher is young, leggy, and bright eyed. Unsurprisingly, her arrival quickly sparked the interest of the entire male population of Fork's High. It would be easy to feel threatened by that but luckily I don't care to gain the affection of my male peers and she's actually a really good teacher.

I hear a thump under the table and Jake groans beside me. "You're drooling." Leah smirks towards him with a sculpted brow lifted and I can't stop the breathy laugh that bubbles from my chest.

"Hey guys." Ms. Denali's voice sounds from the end of the table and I realize I missed her approach amid the antics. "Who's birthday are we celebrating?" Her sky colored eyes scans our table and Ben is quick to answer.

"Bella." He motions to me and I smile in Ms. Denali's direction.

"Happy birthday Bella! If I had know I probably would have embarrassed you by singing in class yesterday." We all laugh at her joke and I'm sure the guys are adding sense of humor to their lists of why Ms. Denali rules. I know I am.

"Well I won't bother you guys. I'm just picking up an order to go. Have fun!" She gives us all a wave before heading toward the bar.

"See you Monday!" Quil calls after her and she smiles back brightly in return.

"Jesus. You guys have it bad." Leah is rolling her eyes as the waitress brings our orders to the table.

I'm taking the first bite of my burger when the bell above the door rings again and my senses spark as the man of my dreams struts in.

His timing is truly impeccable.

I swallow the bite slowly and set the hamburger back on my plate with shaking hands.

My mind is a flurry of scattered thoughts.

 _I hope he doesn't notice me._

 _I hope Jake doesn't notice him._

 _I forgot to text him back._

I freeze at that one. My simple message was typed but never sent. I somehow managed to forget and now I'm regretting it spectacularly. Especially when those green eyes turn in my direction at the exact moment Jake's arm snakes around my shoulders.

"Hey, you okay?" I hear Jake's voice close in my ear and I know how it must look. I know that must be how Edward sees it by the way his eyes widen at the sight. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. I'm not sure if he cares at all.

I'm a statue of a girl. I haven't looked away yet and I haven't responded to Jake. I'm sure he's noticed the subject of my hard gaze. Edward's jade eyes scan over the balloons floating in the air before returning to mine. I want to tell him everything. For the first time since I confessed my soul to him I don't want to run away in his presence. I want the exact opposite actually. I want to run to him and have that talk he asked for months ago. I want to but I know I can't, not now, not here.

Instead we act like strangers or mere acquaintances catching sight of one another. I watch as his eyes soften just barely. His lips pull up slightly at the corners, the smallest smile but still perfect, and then he nods. It's a minor acknowledgement but probably more than I deserve from him.

I force my lips to move until I'm smiling back but then my view is suddenly obscured. Edward's flawless face has been replaced by Ms. Denali's jacket clad back and I realize they're talking...and smiling. They know each other. That much is obvious by the friendly interaction.

How do they know each other?

"Bella?" It's Jake's voice again and I finally pull my eyes away. I scan the table before focusing on his chocolate irises and luckily Leah is the only other one who's noticed my space out.

"I'm fine." He doesn't look so sure so I place another smile on my face and nod. "I'm fine. Really."

I pull his arm from around me, a move that Leah clearly appreciates, and set it on the table. "Eat, before your food gets cold."

I pick my own burger up for good measure and force another bite down my throat. He seems to accept it and then everyone is back to the meals and listening to Ben talk about a venison burger he ate in Port Angeles.

When the coast seems to be clear, I spare another glance to the man holding my heart. Edward's grasping a to-go bag and walking out the door before I get a good look at him. I stare after his form through the dull glass. She's still with him, smiling wide and looking toward him with admiration in her blue eyes. They're the portrait of the perfect couple, walking side by side. A wave of nausea passes over me and I look away quickly and take a slow sip of my bubbly soda.

I'm not a complete idiot. It's obvious to anyone but my mother that Edward is a catch. He's perfect actually. In the back of mind I knew he'd move on eventually. One day he'd find someone who could see him for the man he is. I knew it would happen but I didn't think it could be so soon. I thought it would be years from now.

And if I'm being completely honest with myself…a part of me always thought it would be me at his side.

Delusional girl.

The waitress sets a cake before me, frosted pink and lit in candled flames. They sing the song, loud and off tune and I sit awkwardly as I always do, my face smiling though I feel nowhere close to smiling inside. Reality continues to crash around me as they clap and cheer. My vision is alight with the fresh memory of their eyes connected, they smiles reflected. I'm no stranger to jealousy but it's never felt quite like this.

"Make a wish." It's Leah who says the quiet words, a knowing look on her pretty face.

So I do.

I blow out all the candles and I wish for a fresh start far away.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Let me start by offering my apologies for the delayed post! I know it's been over a week since I've updated. I usually try to update once a week or more if I can, but it's been more challenging with the arrival of the holiday season and some big changes at work. That being said, I'm going to make an effort to update at least once a week moving forward. Now that we're done with that, Happy belated Thanksgiving and I hope you guys liked the chapter! I know this story is a super slow burn which isn't for everyone but I thank you guys for sticking with it and having faith that it will heat up eventually. Thank you all again for reading and I can't wait to read your feedback!**


	20. Burn It Down

**Chapter Twenty: Burn It Down**

Phil's car is gone when I arrive home from my birthday dinner. I hope to myself that Renee is gone with him but I see a light on in the living room that makes me doubt it. It's that thought that has me sitting in the car for ten minutes longer than I would usually. I stare at the windows of the house that was once my home. The place that used to be a comfort. The place that's not at all the same since he left.

I remember my birthday three years ago. Renee had taken me to get my learner's permit after school and her and Edward let me drive to the Frosted Caboose under their careful instruction. The ride was equal parts tense and hilarious as I tried to stay on the road with Edward teaching and Renee gasping and clutching her seatbelt every thirty seconds. We'd eaten sprinkle-coated ice cream in Edward's Volvo and laughed about everything and nothing. We were a family. It was simple but easy and comfortable.

That feels life a lifetime ago now.

When the truck becomes too cold and my body starts to shiver I decide to go inside at last. It's slow steps up the walkway and through the squeaking screen door, the one he never got around to oiling. I miss him so much.

The house is eerily quiet. No TV or radio to ease through the silence. I hear my feet squeak loudly over the hardwood as I slip my shoes off.

I think for a moment that Renee must be upstairs asleep but then I see her and the sight freezes me on the spot.

She's sitting in a chair in the corner of the living room and clutching a glass of wine with mascara trails down her sun kissed cheeks. I worry for a brief moment; concerned at the state I've found her in. Then I see it, leather-bound and sitting on the oak side table, taunting me with its presence.

She's read my journal.

My blood runs cold.

My limbs are numb.

I swallow the lump in my throat and push away my initial instincts to pitch a teenage tantrum. This is more than that. If she's read those pages she knows the depths of my soul.

She knows everything.

"Bellaaaa….you're home." Her voice is slurred and her eyelids flutter open and closed in quick succession. I assume easily enough that the glass in her hand isn't the first.

I don't reply.

My feet lead me slowly into the living room, closer to the seated woman, as I mentally prepare for the raging tempest ahead.

"You've been out with _friends_?" The word is laced with a harshness I don't understand. My eyebrows scrunch together in both confusion and fear of where this storm will turn next. "Or have you been out with _him_?"

I'm speechless, unable to move my lips or formulate anything coherent. All I can do is stand before my mother and watch her face twist like burning rubber.

"Don't try to play coy sweetie. How long have you been fucking him?" I flinch back as she spits the profane question. How quickly this has escalated. I thought I'd seen the worst sides of Renee but clearly I was wrong.

She's never looked more ugly.

"He never touched me." I whisper the words with less conviction than intended. "Not like that."

Her lips open, teeth bared, and a hollow laugh erupts from her throat. "You take me for a fool. I read your little diary. I know _everything_."

I'm shaking my head, pushing past the sickness in my stomach, and clutching the bottom of my jacket with white knuckles.

"You don't know anything." My eyes sting but I won't cry. "Nothing happened."

"Don't fucking lie to me!" She stands from the chair and her wine glass shatters against the wooden floor. Shards of crystal sparkle under lamplight and red liquid pools over the dark stain of the floorboards like blood. I don't know if she dropped it or threw it. It all happened so fast, but it seems she's hardly registered it at all.

"You think I didn't notice your little crush on him. You think I didn't see how you hung all over him. _'Oh Edward I had a nightmare. Help me Edward.'_ Like I didn't see you begging for his attention again and again." Her wide eyes are crazed, her hands clenched.

I tell myself over and over again not to cry. That she's nothing to me anymore. But at the end of it all, she's still my mother and her words sting worse than I thought. Her accusations rain down with a blinding vigor and my vision is clouded with furious tears. It's not true. I didn't beg him for anything.

"Stop it." It's all I can manage through clenched teeth.

"You're a very descriptive writer sweetie. Tell me more about my husband's soft copper hair, those amazing green eyes, how deeply you _love_ him." She takes a step towards me but I don't retreat. Her words may wound and violate but she can't scare me. "Tell me, how long did it take for him to give in to your pathetic pleading?"

"You may have read my journal but you still know nothing about me. You don't know me at all. How could you? You've been gone for a year!"

"Please! Don't try to turn this on me. I read what you wrote." Another step closer but I hardly see it through my bleary eyes. "How could you do this to me? After everything I've sacrificed for you!" She sounds as if she's crying but her face is bone dry.

"You read what you wanted to hear. If you read everything you'd know how horrible I felt for having those feelings at all. You'd know that he never touched me. Never! You'd know that he didn't want me!" Rivers stream down my face in a mixture of snot and tears as I scream the embarrassing truth, tinged with fury.

Through the haze of emotion, I see her lips lift again. "Of course he didn't want you, you stupid little girl."

I want to fall apart but I don't. I won't let her win. I won't let her decide who I am. She doesn't know me at all. "What did you expect mother. I was in real pain and you couldn't have cared less!"

"How dare-"

"No! It's my turn now." I don't expect that to shut her up, but to my surprise it does, if only for a moment. "If you had been there at all maybe I wouldn't have developed the feelings I did, but you weren't. You were too busy ignoring us both for Phil or whatever else." I'm breathing deep, my hands shaking, palms sweating.

"Oh so it's my fault that you tried to seduce my husband? Is that what you're trying to say? You selfish girl-"

"Take a look in the mirror mother. If I'm selfish, believe me, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Truer words have never left my mouth and I feel like a prisoner released. I can feel my hurt and anger fading quickly into focused rage, into renewed strength.

She scoffs and takes another step closer. I can see every single wrinkle on her face, every hair out of place. I see her chapped lips, her teeth stained red with wine. She's not beautiful now. I can see her for the monster she is.

She opens her lips and I know its malice she'll spill. "I can't stand to look at you, you little whore."

"I'm embarrassed to call you my mothe-" I don't finish the sentence.

The words are swallowed in the air with a resounding smack. I feel the sting before I register what's happened. It's a burn across my cheek and the foul taste of blood in my mouth. My eyes are cast to the side, my face thrown towards the mantle with the force. I breathe deep and turn my eyes to the shocked look on her face, one that quickly melts into satisfaction.

She's proud of herself.

I look down to her shaking hand, to her bloodied ring. That must be why it hurt so bad. That, or the fact that I've officially lost my mother.

"We're done." The words are whispered but there's no lack of conviction this time. I mean each syllable with every fiber of my being. I don't wait for her calculated response. I don't want it. I brush past her and grab the leather-bound book before making my exit without a backward glance.

I trudge down the walkway to my truck with heavy sock clad feet, shoes in hand. My tired eyes don't cry anymore. My lips don't scream and shout. I climb into the cab and slam the door shut on this place. I'll never live here again. I'll get my things in time but I'll make sure this is the end of this dark chapter.

I deserve better.

I drive, with no endpoint in mind. It's dark roads and white lines and fuzzy music on the radio. The raindrops begin to fall after twenty minutes and I know I need to find a destination soon. I can't drive forever, not like this.

My first instinct is Angela's before I remember that's she's gone camping. My mind flies through the other options but in the end they hold no weight.

I wind up where I always knew I would.

It's a brick apartment complex on main street that I've passed more times than I can count. I hardly noticed it before a few months ago, before he text me the address the day that he left. Since then I can't help but look as I drive by.

Tonight I'm parked next to the cruiser, centered between three faded gray lines and staring through the rain to the building ahead. I hear the pitter-patter of water on the windshield; feel the September chill in the air. Dull lights illuminate the white-framed windows. I don't know which is his. Soon enough I will.

Minutes pass while I build the courage but it never comes. Without further preamble I thrown the door open and stride slowly through the pouring rain. By the time I reach the covered entrance to the building, my clothes are ice and sticking to my shivering skin. If only I had thought to grab a jacket or umbrella in my haste to run.

I take the stairs up to the second floor and squeak to a halt when I see the letter 'F' in gold and nailed to a shiny black door. His door.

Another deep breath and then I'm lifting my dripping arm. Three hard knocks of my shaking hand against painted wood and then I step back. Ten seconds pass and regret falls quickly over me. I shouldn't have come here unannounced. I didn't check the time but it's too late for an impromptu visit. What if he doesn't answer? What if she's here with him? I'm setting my self up for another round of inevitable rejection. I 'm sure of it. I'm weak and after the night I've had, I can't take anymore. I'm about to spin on my heels and dash away but halt when the door before me is thrown open.

He stands in front of me. His eyes are heavy with sleep at first but quickly shift. He's wide-eyed shock, messy hair, and shirtless chest. He's right there and I feel the panic begin to fade away. This is what I've wanted for weeks, months maybe. My chest is fluttering and filled with words and questions unspoken, waiting patiently to spill out at his feet. I want to tell him everything. I want to fall into his arms and cry until I can't anymore. I want him.

"Bella?" His voice is hoarse. He's still clutching the open door with one hand and running fingers through his hair with the other.

"Hi Edward."

* * *

 **Author's Note: So, that was rough. Sorry everyone, but I've had this scene planned out in my head for a while and it had to be done. That being said, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Thank you so much for all of the reviews! I appreciate every word of feedback and it helps so much when I'm dealing with a case of writer's block. (Which thankfully hasn't happened too much with this story.) I look forward to reading your thoughts on this chapter!**


	21. Fortress

**Chapter Twenty-One: Fortress**

This is where I'm meant to be. I feel it so clearly as I stare upon his shocked and stubble clad face. I'm still dripping wet and waiting in his doorway. He's still wide-eyed and staring through me like a ghost. I watch his mossy eyes wander, traveling up and over my soaked jeans and sweater until they land on my face. His features twist then, into surprise and worry and then anger. Emotions I can read so easily on him.

He releases the door and then he's stepping forward, through the threshold and outside where I am. He lifts his arm, as if to touch my face, but stops short. He needn't halt; I won't run away this time. I don't have the strength to deny him anything right now. He is my strength.

"What happened?" I don't fully understand the question for a brief moment and then he lifts his hand again. As his fingers brush my cheek, I feel the sting anew and wince slightly at the feeling. I hadn't stopped to review the damage Renee had done but it must be worse than I thought if he can see it.

"Bella, did someone hit you?" He takes another step closer before his hand falls gently on my jaw. His rough fingers are warm and familiar against my skin. My eyelids flutter closed for a beat and then I find the eyes I've stared into so many times. They still make me weak in the knees.

"I'm…okay." It wasn't true five minutes ago but now that I'm here it is.

"It's cold out here. Lets get you inside and then we can talk okay?" I nod and let him lead me through the open doorway.

He closes the door behind us and flips on a brass lamp. The light is a warm yellow and blankets the small space. I allow my eyes to wander the sparse room. There's a leather couch, a wooden coffee table, and a flat screen TV but little else. The apartment has clearly been updated in recent years but it lacks the warm touches of a home. It makes me sad to imagine him here all alone.

The thought reemerges in my mind then that maybe he hasn't been so alone after all. He was obviously sleeping when I arrived and I realize there's a very real chance that I'm not the only female in this apartment. The anxiety sparks again, just barely, but enough to get me speaking.

"I'm sorry if I woke you…" I trail off as my eyes find the closed door that I imagine leads to his bedroom. "If I'm interrupting…"

He follows my gaze but shakes his head quickly in response.

"Stop. You don't need to apologize." He walks closer to me again and his warm hands find the damp fabric of my sweater-covered arms. "I meant it when I said I was here if you need me. I'm happy you woke me." His hands slip up my arms and then he's holding my cheeks lightly. "And you're not interrupting anything. It's just you and me."

He's staring in to my eyes and I wonder if he can see my soul. I think he can. He's always seen me so much clearer than Renee ever did. It's hard to speak when he looks at me like that, so I nod instead and wince again when the movement causes his thumb to brush over the tender skin of my cheek.

"Who hit you Bella?" He grinds the words out and I can tell he's angry. I pull my bottom lip between my teeth, a habit of mine, but flinch at the pain it causes.

"Did Jake hit you…did Phil?" _Phil?_ My eyes fly up to his and I quickly shake my head no.

"Jake would never hit me." His eyes flash, his jaw flexes, his lips thin into a line. I see every movement, every change. I watch just as closely as I voice my next inquiry. "You know…about Phil?"

He nods. "Small town."

"How long did you know?" It's a question I've been dying to ask since I found out. Was it the knowledge of Phil that made him leave? Did he already know?

"Did Phil do this to you?" His question emerges in a deep growl. There's something feral in the way he looks right now, shirtless, angry, and unkempt. My stomach churns with tingling warmth and I mentally chastise my body for it's inappropriate timing.

"No, Phil didn't touch me." He seems to relax a little at this. "How long have you known about Phil?" I repeat my question and hope he'll answer this time. I need to know.

He's shaking his head slowly. "Bella…"

"Tell me. Please." I'm the one reaching out this time. My hand falls over his arm slowly and his eyes follow the movement. His adam's apple bobs and I watch as he sucks in a deep breath.

"I found out sometime after Christmas. I don't think Renee knew that I knew though." His eyes find mine then. They're searching, waiting for a reaction.

He stayed.

He knew about her infidelity and for some reason he still stayed for months.

I have so many more questions but he doesn't give me the chance to ask them.

"You're freezing." He grabs my hand from his arm and then he's leading me down the small hall and into the closed door I'd eyed earlier. I had been correct in my assumption. The small room is dark but through the living room's light I see an unmade bed, a dresser, and a mismatched nightstand. To my relief the bed is empty and the room lacks any recognizable feminine touch.

He flips on a light switch in the connecting bathroom and leads me inside.

"I'll get you some clothes." His warm hand releases mine and he disappears back into the dark room.

I turn just barely to the right and see a frightening version of myself staring back in the large mirror.

It's tear stained pale skin and wet hair stuck to my forehead. Against the ghost white of my face, the mark is easily seen. The cut across my cheek is probably two to three inches long and colored a shade of red burgundy. The emerald ring she wore must have done the damage, an antique from her grandmother that I'd always admired. I lift a tentative hand and run a finger over the narrow gouged line. I don't think it's deep enough to scar but it will surely bruise. I can tell by the faint blue tone of the skin and the dull ache under my fingers. I find my lip then, spilt down the middle and colored like spilt wine. I press my finger against it and hiss at the sharp sting. I'm quick to drop my hand when he walks back in but I'm sure he's seen my observations. He's gripping a pile of cotton clothes and wearing a fresh white t-shirt over his previously exposed chest.

When my eyes find his, they're dark with fury and concern. I know he'll ask again so I answer before he can.

"Renee and I had a fight. She'd been drinking and we both said things…"

"She hit you." He sets the bundle of fabric in his hands atop the marble counter. His body draws nearer, his hands fall to my shoulders, and I swallow hard at the surging emotions and nod my head.

"I've been keeping a journal…she read it…some of it." He seems a bit taken aback by this new development. I wonder if he'll be angry with _me_ now.

There's a long pause before he speaks.

"What did you write about?" He's whispering low.

"Everything." I hear the hard breath he draws through his nose.

"I told her the truth…that you never touched me." He's staring away, to a blank space on the counter top. I can't fathom what he's thinking but I want to make everything better. "I told her it was just me. That you didn't-"

"No matter what you fought about…she shouldn't have hit you Bella." His eyes are back and a blazing liquid green. "It's not okay that she did that."

"I'm sorry."

"This isn't your fault." I want to argue, some of this is definitely my fault, but his hands are on my arms again and I find that I can't speak.

"There are towels in the cabinet under the sink. The clothes are mine, so they're probably way too big but it's better than pneumonia." He offers the smallest smile and I already feel warmer. "Take a shower and warm up. I'll be in the living room." He motions out the door with his hand and I nod in understanding.

He hesitates a moment. His eyes are drinking me in once more and lingering on my battered cheek. And then he's out the door and closing it softly in his wake.

As I stand there, dripping water on the white tile floor, I take a moment to soak in the reality of where I am. I took the risk and now, alone in Edward's bathroom, I feel that I made the right choice. There isn't a soul that I trust more than his. Even with the abundant complications of it all. Even with the risks.

I slide out of my shoes and wet socks and peel the clinging clothes from my skin. The shower is easy to operate and I have hot water running over my back in no time. I'm careful not to hurt my cheek further as I wash my hair and skin. When I'm clean and the water is off, I realize that I smell like him, pine and mint. I haven't smelled that perfect combination in too long.

As he advised, The T-shirt and gym shorts he provided swallow me whole, but I tie the drawstring of the shorts tight and find no complaints. I towel dry my hair and brush it out with a comb on his countertop. The image in the mirror isn't much of an improvement when I'm done but I feel leaps and bounds better than I did before.

My bare feet pad over the wooden floorboard and I find him in the living room, on the couch, and watching sports highlights.

"Feel better?" He turns the volume of the TV down but not off and I appreciate the quiet background noise. This all already feels awkward enough.

"Yes, thank you." My voice is quiet. I'm suddenly nervous but I can't quite pinpoint why. We've been closer than this many times before.

"Come here." He pats the spot next to him on the couch and I oblige. I sink into the leather seat as he pulls the plaid blanket from the back of the couch and lays it over my lap.

"Thanks." I eye him through my lashes and hope I don't look like the bashful girl that I suddenly am.

"I'm happy that you're here Bella." He pauses and looks down and then up again. Maybe I'm not the only one feeling a little nervous. "I've missed you."

My lips lift on their own accord, my heart pulling them sky high. His words foster my courage. "I missed you too."

He smiles too and it's so much brighter than what I'd seen at the diner. It's real. I'm here with him and I put that beautiful grin there.

"I'm sorry that I never messaged you back. I meant to. I wanted to."

"It's okay. I didn't expect you to. I just wanted to assure you that I meant what I said." He turns to the side to face me on the couch, his arm draping over the back behind us.

"Well it worked…obviously." I laugh lightly and he chuckles low. It's music to my ears.

"Seeing you at the diner today with your friends …I wanted so badly to walk over and wish you a happy birthday in person."

"You can now." The smile hasn't left my face and I know I'm still falling but it's worth it if I get to be close to him again.

His hand grasps at mine over the blanket. It's so familiar, so comfortable. It's home.

"Happy Birthday Bella." His eyes are placed firmly on mine. I won't look away.

"Thank you. It's getting better now."

We sit in comfortable silence for a moment but I can feel the mountain of unanswered questions tickling behind my lips.

"You were with Ms. Denali at the diner…" His eyes widen in recognition and then understanding.

"Right…is she a teacher of yours?" I nod as an answer to his question.

"You know her too?"

He doesn't seem any more nervous than he did before. A good sign I hope. "Yeah, she lives across the hall."

I feel a wave of relief. Maybe it's nothing more than that. I decide not to press him further. Now that we're speaking again I don't want to seem jealous or possessive. Even though the idea of them together is still an annoying nagging at the back of my mind, I don't want to do anything to risk this.

"She's a good teacher." I end the sentence with an uncontrollable yawn and he surprises me with a tender smile and a squeeze of my hand.

"It's getting late. We should get some rest." To my dismay, he releases his hold of me and stands from the sofa. "I'll sleep out here and you can take my bed. "

I open my mouth to protest but he interjects before I can. "And don't even try to say no. I'm happy sleeping on the couch."

"Fine." I stand as well and he leads me back into the bedroom.

He disappears into the bathroom for a minute and I hear the telltale sound of brushing teeth. When he reemerges, I'm sitting on the edge of the bed awkwardly.

"I put a new toothbrush on the counter. If you need anything, you know where to find me." That strange tension is still there, that uncertainty. He stands a few feet away, the light from the bathroom shining white behind him. It's too reminiscent of so many of my dreams and I find it hard to speak.

The silence spans another minute while I work up the courage. He offers another small smile and pivots to leave but I'm up and across the expanse of space between us before he can get too far. My arms snake around his ribs and grip tight behind his back. He seems momentarily stunned by the impromptu hug but then his arms are around me as well.

"Thank you." I whisper the words into his cotton-clad chest. I can hear the quick thumping of his heart, can feel the deep breath of air he pulls into his lungs. He bends just so and his face presses into the top of my head, against my still damp hair.

I needed this. A part of me thinks he did too but I know how quickly those thoughts can turn dangerous. No matter where we go from here, I'll be careful not to make that mistake again.

"I'm happy you're here Bella, I mean it." He repeats the sentiment from earlier, breathing it warm against my scalp.

I believe him.

We stay that way for so long, wrapped around one another and making up for the months lost. I'm not sure who moves first, but eventually we pull back. His green eyes are heavy with sleep and I know I have to let him leave.

"Sleep." I speak this time and watch his lips pull up slowly in response.

"Good night. If you need anything…"

"I know where to find you." He steps back as I speak with grinning lips. I wish him a good night as well and then he's through the door and shutting it behind him.

It's hard not to bask in how surreal it all is once I'm tucked beneath his sheets. I'm surrounded in him. In his room, his sheets, his scent. I've been here in my dreams but it was nothing compared to this reality. I stare at the dark ceiling and try to keep my thoughts on him and away from her. I don't want to recollect the words she spoke, the way she looked when she meant to hurt. I don't want to dwell on how impossible it is to fix what once was. I don't want to but I do and soon enough his pillow is wet with my tears.

Darkness spans on and when the red numbers on his alarm clock read 1:38am I know I need to sleep. Eventually my eyelids grow heavy and the thoughts begin to fade. I'm grateful for the clearness of my mind. I'm on the precipice of dreams when I hear the door squeak. My muscles tense and I pull the sheets closer to my chin. I'm equal parts fear and curiosity as I strain my ears to listen for any movement. Just when I think the culprit must have been a draft of air, I feel the mattress dip and a frightened squeak leaves my lips.

It's a fingertip pressed against my open lips. The mattress moves and I feel warmth at my side. Legs brush against mine and hands grip my waist.

"Bella." And then my fear disappears.

It's _his_ voice that whispers.


	22. Need

**Chapter Twenty-Two: Need**

It all felt so real.

But then again it always does.

It's impossible to decipher reality when I walk that blurred and exhausting line between dreaming and awake.

 _Nearly_ impossible I suppose.

I read an article a few weeks ago about lucid dreaming. About the idea that you can be aware that you're in a dream, that you can be present and affect the outcome or even wake yourself up. In this article, the writer provided tips on how to train the mind to do this. They suggested keeping a dream journal and using reality checks when awake to ensure that you're not dreaming.

How I wish I could have realized I was dreaming when his lips met mine so soft.

If only I could have told myself it was all in my head as his hands caressed my prickling skin in that gentle way that makes me want to melt.

I would have told myself to stop screaming when I looked up to him to find streams of burgundy blood crawling down the planes of his face.

'It's not real!' I could have screeched in its place.

Instead I awoke, the false images fresh in my mind, to find myself in his bed with the morning light peeking through the uncovered window and a sore and scratchy throat.

 _Was I actually yelling?_

"Bella" My eyes dash to the direction of his voice. He stands a few feet away, halfway between the door and me and looking as concerned as ever.

I suck in another deep breath and push myself up to rest my back against the unadorned gray wall.

When I finally dig up the courage to look in to his eyes, I find a look I've seen so often before. He's searching my soul and, like always, I fear he's seen every dark and dingy corner.

"Still?" It's the only word that falls from his lips but it spurs too many emotions in my chest. I push past them, the guilt, the frustration, and the fear. My eyes flicker away and then back and I'm speaking before I lose my nerve.

"They're not the same." His eyebrows draw together, his jaw clenches.

"You were screaming…" He confirms my fear.

"I'm still dreaming but it's not quite as…awful as it was before." My additional words seem to do nothing to calm him. "It' not the same Edward, I promise."

The room suddenly feels unbearably hot. I drag the covers from my legs and pull my knees to my chest. He watches every move and shifts forward only slightly but stops. I see it pass over his face, the hesitation. It's the hesitation that I put there when we were last in this position, him coming to my rescue after a nightmare.

I wish I could take it all back.

"I'm sorry." I'm afraid of breaching the subject at all but we can't ignore reality forever. I did what I did and things have been completely different ever since.

It's time I grow up and make amends before I lose everyone who matters to me.

"What-"

"I never should have kissed you." My eyes well with tears as I speak the words but I swallow and push them back, hoping, in vain, that he hasn't noticed. "I'm sorry."

I wish I could read him now more than ever. If only I could gauge his true feelings on the issue but it's as if a cloud has moved over him. Nothing is clear.

When he takes too long to respond I continue, the words leaping from my lips on their own accord. "It was so stupid and selfish and delusional for me to think…Edward, I'm sorry I put you in that position. I shouldn't have-" He steps forward, interrupting me with hurried words, like he can't stand to hear anymore.

"Bella stop." He's shaking his head as he runs a hand over his jaw. Forrest eyes leave mine and find a place on the floorboards beneath his feet. His face moves like an ocean, emotions rolling across the surface at a speed I can't keep up with. "I shouldn't have let things go so far."

His whispered statement soaks slowly into my ears while I scramble to understand what it means.

"What?"

He shakes his head, his messy bronze hair swaying slightly with the movement, and then his eyes find mine again. They're walls of steel, standing against any chance of me understanding whet he's thinking.

"Edward-"

"We have a lot to talk about, I know. " He glances toward the door to the living room and then back to me. "I made pancakes, chocolate chip. We should eat before it gets cold and then I promise we'll talk about everything okay?"

Curiosity claws at me like a feral cat. I want to know what he meant. I want to know everything. A part of me wants to be difficult, to demand answers, but I know that would be taking another step back. Instead I nod and follow him from the room to the small kitchen.

We sit on wooden barstool as we eat in silence. It's awkward and I hate the feeling. It was never awkward between us before the crash, before my twisted feelings ruined everything.

I'm swallowing another bite when he speaks, his voice magnified after the quiet.

"I think we should take photos of your injuries." His eyes are on me when I turn to him. They're studying my cheek and then my lip. I move to pull it between my teeth but stop when I feel a dull pain.

"Why?" I don't need a keepsake to remember last night. I doubt I'll ever forget.

"Evidence…in case you decide to press charges." I'm shaking my head before he can finish his statement and my fork falls to the glass plate with a resounding clink.

"No. I won't press charges." Yes, I'm angry with Renee, livid in fact, but I refuse to let this nightmare go on any further. It's all too complicated as it is.

"Bella-"

"I'm _not_ pressing charges." I speak louder this time and Edward sets his fork down as well. He turns to face me and I realize how close he sits. My body reacts with a strange mix of comfort and nervousness but my gaze doesn't stray.

"I can't make you press charges Bella…I won't, but we need to take pictures to be safe. I can keep them. You wont ever have to look at them if you don't want to." His hand slides across the countertop to rest against mine.

My eyes finally leave his and fall to the counter where our skin meets. My fingers tingle against his.

"Fine."

His hand leaves mine, rising up until I feel his fingers against my chin. He lifts my gaze to his, to kind eyes that search too much.

"She shouldn't have hit you Bella. She had no right." It's a hoarse whisper.

She shouldn't have but she did.

I shouldn't have kissed her husband but I did. We've all made mistakes, each piece of this broken family. I can be angry with her and I am, but since I've woken this morning I'm finding it harder to blame her for it. When I refocus my eyes on him I can tell he's waiting for me to speak but I don't.

"I shouldn't have let something like that happen."

"Edward stop." I shake my head and sit up tall, feeling his hand fall. "I did everything I could to push you away. I ignored you for months. What could you have done?"

"I can go now and speak to her...I'm a police officer Bella. I can-"

"Exactly! Edward if she tells anyone about what she read in my journal…or of what she suspects happened, even if it didn't happen, this town will turn on you." I see the fire in his eyes then, the anger, but he shakes his head despite it. "You know they will. They love gossip. They'll twist everything and then what?"

"She hit you Bella."

"And as far as she's concerned, I stole her husband." An eerie quiet falls over us as the words sink in. His hand runs over his face again and I feel the sharp pang of guilt in my stomach.

"I did this Edward. I kissed you when I knew I shouldn't. I wrote my feelings on paper and I didn't hide my journal well enough. I pushed you away because I was so unbelievably embarrassed and ashamed. This isn't your fault and it's not your responsibility to save me." It feels like a dam released. I've waited so long to talk to him like this, to spill these feelings from my soul. It's sharp and painful but a relief all the same.

"Bella-"

"I don't know when it happened but sometime after the crash my feelings shifted."

"Bella," He tries to interrupt louder this time but I persist, determined to free the secrets I've kept too long.

"I knew it was wrong. I tried to stop feeling like I did. I didn't want this mess-"

"Bella, I know." My gaze flies to his, to the dejected look in his eyes.

"What?"

"I know…I knew, or at least I had a feeling." He swallows roughly, his Adam's apple bobbing before my eyes.

"You knew…how I felt?" My eyes burn. My stomach churns. What does this mean?

He nods his head, searching my face for a reaction. I'm an open book to him, too exhausted to hide any thing more.

"How long did you know?" I sit, quite literally, on the edge of my seat. My knees almost touch his and I can feel the warmth radiating from his skin. Every nerve stands to attention, every thought silenced as I await his response

He sighs before he speaks and a hand finds it's way to his hair, pulling and running through the strands. Is he nervous? Afraid?

"I'm not sure exactly. I remember one day in particular, about 3 months after the accident." He pauses and I can hardly take the wait.

"Tell me." I sound as desperate as I feel and I can see the apprehension he wears.

"You'd had a nightmare. I came and sat with you until you fell back asleep and the next day…it was uneventful. We went grocery shopping and convinced Renee to play monopoly that night. I don't remember who won or what we bought but I remember your eyes. Every time I looked at you, you were looking back and there was something there. I disregarded it but I think I knew then."

He sighs again and I can feel his eyes on me but I can't bear to look back. I feel too embarrassed, too ridiculous. I remember that day well. He'd been wearing the plaid shirt I bought him for his birthday, blue and green and matching his eyes perfectly.

"I'm the adult Bella. I may have denied it to myself but I had my suspicions about how you felt and I should have addressed it a long time ago."

My gaze is glued to the butcher-block countertop, to the partially eaten plate of cold pancakes. Less than half and hour ago we had been eating in silence and now this.

"I knew that we were too close and I should have tried harder to fix things." My eyes connect with his then, an endless abyss of green.

' _I knew we were too close.'_

His confession echoes in my ears as if he screamed it from a mountaintop.

"Why didn't you say anything? Because you felt responsible…because you pitied me?" My lips move before I can process the haphazard line of questioning. He's shaking his head and opening his mouth to respond and though I regret the way I've asked it, I need to know.

"No." He exhales slowly. "Yes, I felt responsible for you but it was more than that." His fingers rake through his hair again and his stare circles the sparse apartment. I want to grab him, to make sure he's entirely here with me. I want to dive into the cool waters of his mind and swim for miles.

"I struggled too Bella. I knew I should have put more distance between us. I knew that our relationships was quickly bordering on unhealthy but I- I didn't want to. " There's an uncomfortable flutter in my chest and I have to force myself to try to relax, to stop before my heart gets carried away again. "We understood each other in such an easy way. Given the situation, it may sound crazy, but you've become one of my best friends…one of my only friends."

Green meets brown and there's languid warmth spreading over me. I'd always felt so ridiculous for thinking there may have been any mutual connection there beyond my mother, beyond the accident.

"I feel the same."

His hand drops from his head and finds mine again with a gentle squeeze. A deep breath floods my lungs and the tension melts from my muscles. I wish he could do that always.

"I get it Edward. I knew that we needed distance but when it came time to make it happen I couldn't…not when I needed you." I squeeze his hand back and hear his deep exhale.

"We needed each other I think." He whispers, feather light.

"I still need you." His features shift and I think it's worry that I see there.

I want to know how he feels about it all after our confessions. How has he felt this whole time? All the questions, all the moments that made such little sense, blaze trough my mind like a meteor shower but I'm too focused on him to see them all.

Minutes pass, us holding hands and breathing slow. We watch each other like scientists studying something new and exciting and I feel the urge to cry, to smile, to scream aloud.

"What now?" I ask.

He jumps slightly, his hand gripping mine with the movement and I know I've pulled him from some far away reverie. Was I there in his mind?

"I don't know. But you can't disappear on me again. We'll figure this whole thing out…but we'll figure it out together okay?"

It's an overwhelming wave of relief. I've laid my heart on the counter before us and he's still here. I feel foolish to have ever doubted this man.

"Together. I promise."

And I link my pinky with his.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Hello everyone! My apologies for the delay in updating. I've had some big things happening in my life lately and I've had a hard time finding the time to sit down and focus on writing. I thank you all for your patience and I hope you've enjoyed the chapter. I look forward to reading your reviews, predications, and feedback! I'm also working on the next chapters now so there shouldn't be such a long break next time between updating (fingers crossed).


	23. Goodness

**Chapter Twenty-Three: Goodness**

'Ding.'

The bell above the diner door rings but I'm already looking towards the entrance, towards a young couple bundled in raincoats and wiping their dripping boots on a large red rug. I try to hide my disappointment and glance over the laminated menu again. I know what I'll order, the same thing I do every week, but it gives my hands and eyes something to do.

I'm five minutes early for my weekly dinner with Edward but then again, he's usually early as well. After the day we confessed all, I've been living with Angela and her family but I ensure that every Thursday night is set-aside just for Edward. We chat about our week, about work and school and all the small things in between. It's been over a month and we've managed to stick to safe conversation topics every week without getting bored, though I never doubted we could.

' _We understood each other in such an easy way'_ he'd said. He was right.

"Can I get you something to drink sweetie?" The waitress' sugary voice pulls me from the abyss of my thoughts.

It's Ashley, a thin brunette who's been our waitress for the last few weeks. She's young, probably in her early twenties, and over the top flirtatious with my weekly companion. I saw her blue eyes glued to his empty ring-less finger that first night and since then it's been wide smiles, undone shirt buttons, and brushing her hand over his arm at every opportunity.

"Two waters please."

"Waiting on your _friend_?" I see the spark in her eyes, the hopeful glitter.

"Yes." I offer a tight-lipped smile, which she quickly returns and then she's gone, off to fetch our waters and reapply her pink lip gloss.

I sigh small and run a finger over the acrylic surface of the table.

"Don't sound so bored. I'm only a minute late." Edward's smiling voice meets my ears and I look up to see him sliding into the booth across from me. He wears his uniform with damp hair and a bright grin. He's as handsome as ever.

We text nearly every day and it's only been a week since I've seen him up close but it always feels longer.

"Hi." I'm sure I'm beaming with the dreamy way my voice sounds but I can't stop myself.

"Did you order already?" He motions in the direction where the waitress disappeared and I shake my head in response.

"Just drinks." He's removing his jacket and I wonder if it's the same one I threw up on all those months ago. I squirm at the thought and watch his eyebrows rise in response.

"What? Do I smell? Something wrong with my hair?" He runs a hand through it and I laugh soft.

"No, just wondering if that's the same jacket." He looks to the article of clothing in question, confusion evident on his face, before the memory sweeps back and he chuckles low.

"I got a new one believe it or not. I'm not sure I could have forgotten what the old one had been through." We're laughing when Ashley returns with two waters.

"Good Evening." Her voice is lower, huskier, and I have to stop myself from laughing aloud. A small snort escapes despite my efforts and I quickly play it off as a cough.

One look to Edward confirms that he hasn't bought the farce at all but Ashley continues to smile bright, unaware of the silent communication before her eyes.

"What can I get for you tonight?" Her manicured fingers fall to the shiny table, an inch or so from Edwards's hand. I wonder if she's intentionally trying to lace her questions with obvious sexual undertones and then I see how deeply she's attempting to stare into his green eyes and I know she is.

"I'll have the cheeseburger and fries, hold the mayo, and Bella will have the grilled cheese with tomato soup." He grabs for my menu and stacks it atop his as he speaks so smoothly.

I scoff instantly in response and feel my mouth drop open. He's ordering on my behalf now is he?

"What? Were you going to order something else?" His eyes find mine, his tone amused. I snap my lips closed and try to think of something clever to say but truthfully that's exactly what I'd planned to order.

"No."

He smirks, clearly pleased with himself and winks one of those leaf colored eyes in my direction. "I know you too well Isabella."

My lips lift as his eyes peer into mine and I find I'm unable to quell the fluttering warmth in my stomach. The dimples, the smirk, the fucking wink. It's all too much.

"So…grilled cheese and tomato soup is fine?" Ashley's voice is smaller now and when I look back to her I find her gaze volleying between the two of us.

She's clearly trying to decipher the relationship between Edward and I. It's not entirely clear to me lately either but I won't question it and I won't think on it too hard.

"Yes, thank you." She hovers for another moment, staring at Edward as he stares at me, and then she walks away looking a bit confused with shoulders a little more hunched.

"You're going to drive that poor girl mad Edward." I whisper as soon as she's out of sight.

"Why is that?" He leans back so casually as he feigns ignorance.

I fix him with a disbelieving look. "As if you don't notice the way she fawns all over you."

"At least I'm not laughing at her right in front of her face." My mouth drops open again and I would swat his arm if the table weren't separating us.

His smirk shifts and then he's laughing and my chest tingles at the way his eyes light up.

Even though things have been purely friendly between us over the last month, the message hasn't managed to reach my desperate heart. Platonic as things may seem, I'm still desperately in love with the man before me and I'm almost positive he knows it.

He's never said it outright but I know there's a reason he suggested the diner for our weekly dinners. The diner- where we're forced to sit over two foot apart in front of the entire town. It's the same reason why I haven't been back to his apartment since that day, the same reason why I never asked if I could stay with him instead of Angela.

No matter how either of us may feel, we're still in Forks. It's the town that watched me grow up. It's the town that watched the charming police officer marry the most beautiful woman in Washington State. They pitied us all after the accident. They pitied and whispered how sad it all was. And then they pitied some more as that picture perfect marriage fell apart before their eyes.

Right now, in this diner, he's an ex-stepfather with a caring heart of gold, a man who stepped up when his ex- wife wouldn't. If word were to get out that we ever met alone in private or if my mother was to ever feel particularly spiteful in her gossip, we both know how quickly that tide would shift. The people of Forks wouldn't hesitate to make an honest man into a pariah if they felt justified.

So, I may love him and he may be aware but we'll never truly know as long as we're here in Forks.

"How's your week been?" His voice breaks through my internal monologue and I'm grateful for the subject change. It's so easy to drown in the pool of my thoughts lately.

"It's been fine. I have a quiz in Calculus tomorrow that I'm a little worried about but studying with Ang helps."

He smiles warm as he replies. "And things are still good at Angela's? Her parents are still okay with the arrangement?"

I nod as I take a sip of my water, the condensation from the glass wetting my hand uncomfortably.

"They've been great." It didn't take much to convince Angela's kind parents to take me in after Edward talked with them.

He'd revealed a partial truth without mentioning my inappropriate feelings or my mother's moment of weakness. As far as they knew, Renee and I were simply in a bad spot in our relationship. They never asked about my battered cheek, which has thankfully fully healed. They didn't ask and I didn't tell but it seemed to me as if they knew. Angela had forged a very correct guess as soon as she saw me, one I'd never confirmed despite her constant questioning. There are some things that are best kept quiet.

"I'm glad." He takes a sip of water as well and I watch as he wipes his freshly dampened hand on a napkin.

He moves forward just slightly then, leaning his elbows on the table, and I try to avoid any thoughts of the way his muscled arms strain against his sleeves.

"And the nightmares?" His question is a measured whisper.

"None this week." I smile with my response to reassure him and watch as his shoulders become less stiff.

"Good."

"How's work?" He rolls his eyes as soon as the question leaves my lips and I giggle lightly in response. "Not great I'm guessing."

"Eh, it's been fine I guess. Things are slow but I've been in a car all week with James who's going through a breakup and it's all I hear about."

"James and Victoria are breaking up?" I'm surprised at this revelation. I'd only ever seen the two together a handful of times but they'd seemed like a good match.

"Yeah, and there's a whole love triangle element." I lift my brows in surprise and he rolls his eyes again. "I feel bad for the guy but this week has been one big Lifetime movie. It's too much drama for me" He's chuckling low and running a hand through his disheveled hair again.

"At least you're not the star of this Lifetime movie." I mean the comment as a joke but I don't miss the way his face tenses and his laugh dulls.

"I'm sorry, I just meant-" He holds up the hand that was previously buried in bronze.

"It's fine Bella. You're right honestly. These past few years have been all the drama I'll ever need." I feel a pang of guilt in my gut then. I know I'm not entirely to blame but I'm sure I've played in part in his stress over the years. I still am actually.

My lips open. I'm about to say sorry again, but he stops me before I can.

"Stop." I snap my mouth closed in response and wonder for the umpteenth time if he can read my mind somehow.

"Yes, things are still complicated. My life is far from perfect. But, believe it or not, I'm happier now than I've been in a long time." His voice is gentle and low and just for me.

A restaurant of people surrounds us, the clinking of silverware and glass and the hum of conversation. Despite all of that he's all I hear, all I see.

"Really?"

He smiles soft and his hands slide toward me just enough. We're almost touching, only inches apart. I watch the movement like a bird of prey. I want to slip my fingers forward on the table, just enough to feel his hand in mine like I have so many times before.

But I don't.

We both know we can't do that here.

It's an unspoken agreement that this will have to be enough.

"Really." He answers.

His gaze burns into mine. I want to respond. I want to assure him of how happy he's made me. My lips part, his eyes find the movement, and then a throat clears to my left.

Ashley.

Her glossed lips are in a tight smile.

Her eyes bounce between us and then to our hands on the table.

I move back in my seat and her thin smile widens. It doesn't reach her eyes, not even a little.

"Hope you're both still hungry." She places Edwards burger in front of me and my plate in front of him. Neither of us moves to correct her and she's gone before we could have.

It's silent for a moment and then Edward's laughing, deep and genuine, and I'm quick to follow.

"I think you were right about her." He says as he switches our plates.

The conversation is lighter as we eat. Neither of us revisits the heavy feeling from before and I'm glad for it. It's jokes and smiling and feeling lighter. It lasts until we're almost done.

I'm taking the final bite of my sandwich when Edward breeches a topic I've been dreading.

"Have you heard back from any schools yet?" He pops a fry in his mouth, so casual and easy, but the question feels anything but.

He's asked a few times before and I'd disclosed my acceptance to UW two weeks ago. Edward was proud and Alice had been thrilled but realistically we all knew her dream wasn't mine.

I hesitate a moment and unfortunately he's quick to catch on. He knows me too well.

"What?" He puts his burger down and I do the same with the crust I'm holding.

Like a Band-Aid, I tell myself.

"I got in to NYU."

His face lights up like a Christmas tree, white teeth and deep dimples.

"That's amazing Bella!" He throws his hands in the air and I can tell by the way he fidgets that he would be hugging me if the table weren't in the way.

I try to smile back but I know it's not quite right. I'm excited yes, but NYU is whole other complication I'd rather not face.

He notices almost instantly, as I knew he would, and I watch his glorious grin wilt.

"You're not excited? I thought NYU is what you wanted."

"I never said that." I'm deflecting and unfortunately we both know it.

"You didn't have to." He pauses and glances around us before reaching across to grab my hand.

Our skin sparks with a static shock and I jump slightly.

"Bella, I know you were hoping for this."

I'm still eyeing our hands on the table but I can feel the sting of his stare.

"I was." My voice is a whisper and it makes me feel even weaker than I do now.

"So what's wrong?" A sigh flutters through my lips and I find his green gaze. It's worry, and bewilderment, and a promise of support.

"Everything." I want his touch so badly but I'm too anxious to keep my clammy hand in his. I pull back and fiddle with the creamy fabric of my sweater and his forehead wrinkles in further confusion.

"For starters, NYU is expensive." He opens his mouth. I fear he'll interrupt but I don't let him. I keep on. "I've done my research. I don't have the credit I need for enough financial aid on my own. I have my savings from Newton's and I qualify for a few scholarships but it's not nearly enough."

I pause to take a breath and I can see him soaking in my hurried words.

"I saw Renee."

"What?" His voice is loud, probably louder than he meant it to be. I glance around us and see a few eyes turn our way but they're gone and uninterested as soon as they appeared.

"I needed to get some things from the house and I thought…I thought maybe I could talk to her about it. Maybe we could make some type of amends."

His eyes are searching and I know he's waiting, on edge, to hear what happened next.

Another sigh and then I speak. "She wouldn't talk to me. God, she barely looked at me. " I grow more quiet with each word. Grinding the confession through my teeth as I remember it. "I shoved my things in a duffle bag and when I went to leave fucking Phil chatted my ear off while she sat in that damn chair chugging her glass of wine. I didn't even try. It wasn't worth it"

Suddenly the table is oh so interesting. I glower at it and push back the burn behind my eyes.

"Hey." I hesitate but find his eyes again. "If that's true then she doesn't deserve you Bella. She doesn't deserve any piece of the amazing future I know you'll have." He's angry, but holding back. His throat bobs, his jaw clenches, and his eyes are hurricane dark.

"She doesn't deserve any part of you." He reiterates the statement, his voice firm, and I want to hug him so badly.

The silence lingers a while and then I nod. He's right.

"As far as financial aid goes…you have a mountain of people who can help you. I can cosign-"

"Edward, I can't let you-"

"And if you say no to that, then good luck telling Esme Cullen no." I can't stop the breathy laugh I emit at those words. He's got me there.

"It's on the other side of the country."

"In an incredible city with endless opportunity. Got any more excuses for me?" He's smiling now, clearly less stressed than he's been only moments ago. He scoots forward and I feel his knee bump against mine under the table. He doesn't move away and neither do I. And then I sigh, either in surrender or content, I don't know.

"My friends…"

"They'll be leaving soon too, most of them. And the ones who matter will keep in touch. No one will turn down a trip to visit the big apple, especially if you're there." I know he's right but there's still hesitation.

There's still something holding me back, a string connected to my heart that I fear won't stretch that far. I close my eyes before I say it. I can't look at him as I do this again, as I put my soul on the chopping block before him.

"You…" It's a quiet whisper.

I don't look at him but I listen, I listen more intently than I thought possible.

"Bella." I know what he wants but I don't move, I'm stupidly afraid to hear what he'll say. I breathe in and out as the seconds tick on.

"Bella…" It's softer this time and I feel his warm hand on my knee under the table.

I look around us but the tables are mostly empty and the remaining diners are clueless to our intense conversation.

At last I find the green plains, lush and stretching on for miles. There's so much to read in those eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere. I will _always_ be here for you if you need me. You don't still doubt that do you?"

"No." I shake my head quickly and I feel his fingers squeeze my knee lightly through the fabric of my jeans. "Of course not. "

"Then what's holding you back? If this is something you really want…"

It's the same question I've been asking myself since I received the letter a little over a week ago.

"I'm scared I guess. It's so far away from everything I know. What if my writing isn't nearly as good as I think? What if I fail?"

It's his turn to sigh, long and hard. He runs his free hand over his stubble-clad jaw.

"This is going to sound so corny but …you'll never fail if you don't at least try." I make a half laugh breathy noise before he continues. "Bella, you are one of the strongest people I know. I know you don't believe it but you are. You've been through so much more than you should have and you haven't given up yet." He pauses and his gaze bores so deeply into mine. "I think a fresh start will be good for you. As for your writing…you got in didn't you? They obviously saw the potential that I see."

I can feel the tears in my eyes, can feel the quick thump of my heart.

I love him so much.

"Do you trust me?" He asks.

"Yes." My answer is instantaneous. I trust him more then myself most of the time.

"Then trust me when I say that you can do anything if you want it enough and I know that you want NYU."

I swallow the lump that's formed in my throat and try to push away how terrified I feel at the prospect. He's right, I know he is and so does he.

"I guess nothings really worth trying if it doesn't scare you a little."

"Yes!" His hand hits the table with a thud and the megawatt smile returns. It's impossible not to grin back at that, even if I am still scared shitless.

It's an incredible opportunity, I know. This one step could be the turning point I need. But even with that truth, it still means leaving my support system. It means leaving Edward. I know he's a phone call away. I know he would hop on a plane in an instant if I asked but that doesn't make the distance any smaller. Over 3,000 miles of earth would separate me from him. If I hadn't looked it up online it would be almost impossible to imagine how far that is.

These fears continue to rest in the back of my mind but I don't voice them, not when he's stilling smiling so wide. I can see how proud he is, how genuinely he believes in me.

He pays the check shortly after then proceeds to excitedly prattle about New York as we exit the almost empty diner. "I've only been twice but I know you'll love central park. Just ignore the guys that badger you about carriage rides. Also, there is no way I'm letting you wander that city without a Taser."

I can't help but laugh at that even though I know how serious he is. He shoots me a quick smile and then he's off again as I dodge a puddle from the earlier rain.

"Also we'll need to figure out if you're staying in the dorms or-" He stops short and I'm confused for a moment until I follow his frozen and steely gaze.

It's a broad figure leaning against my truck with arms crossed.

Jacob.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** 432 reviews, 137 Favorites, and 319 follows. That is crazy! Thank you all so much for your support of this story! I knew when I first got the idea to write this that it was unconventional but luckily you all were ready to jump in for the bumpy ride ahead. I'm not sure if any of you noticed that this chapter was the longest yet. I initially contemplated splitting it in half but it felt so much better as one whole piece of the puzzle. Also, a large chunk of the chapter was dialogue but I tried to ensure that it flowed and didn't get boring. (Hopefully I was successful?) Please let me know what you thought and what you'd like to see in the future for Bella. Thanks again for reading and I hope you enjoyed the chapter!


	24. Old Friends

**Chapter Twenty-Four: Old Friends**

Last Night.

It's still fresh in my mind after a Friday of tests and group projects.

I'd barely seen him all month and then there he was. I picture Jacob leaning against the orange beast while it sat outside the diner. The image hovers in my memory as I drive the winding and familiar roads to his house. The scene plays back like a movie highlight, bright and clear.

 _Edward sees him first and then so do I. The sudden tension in the air is inescapable. It's been this way between them ever since New Year's Eve when he caught my childhood friend with his tongue down my throat. I've explained to him countless times since then that Jacob is only a friend but I'm not sure he believes me entirely, especially when I hear the edge in his voice as he speaks._

" _Jacob." No ' hello', no 'happy to see you.'_

 _I can tell by the faint smirk across his lips that Jake has noticed the tone._

" _Bella, Mr. Cullen." He nods back and kicks away from the truck, taking a step towards us._

 _I glance between them again, to the clenched jaws and tense muscles and wonder exactly when things became quite this severe._

" _Jake, what's going on? Were you waiting for me?" I take a step closer and Edward follows suit._

" _Yeah." He fidgets a bit and finally his gaze lands on me. I don't miss the way his eyes soften. "I would have called but…well I couldn't so Angela told me I could find you here."_

" _Okay…" I'm still confused but thankfully he elaborates._

" _Can we talk?" He glances back to Edward before his chocolate eyes are on mine, large and pleading._

 _My gaze shifts to the frozen man beside me and then to my watch, which tells me it's half an hour until my ten o'clock curfew. It's hard to believe that we'd been in that diner talking for so long._

" _Okay." Jake's lips lift in a smile as soon as I agree but it's short lived._

" _Bella…" Edward's voice is low in my ear. "Don't you have a test tomorrow?"_

 _It's a strange mix of joy and annoyance that sweeps over me. I'm happy that he remembers, happy that he cares. I do need to study in all honesty. But he sounds every bit the stepfather right now and we both know that's not how I see things._

 _I try not to let the irritation show in my response but as soon as I speak, I fear I'm unsuccessful. "It's fine. It'll only be a minute. Right Jake?"_

 _I turn my head to the tall teenager before us and he quickly nods._

 _I hear Edwards sigh. I watch as he shuffles his feet. A few pebbles scatter over the dark ground._

" _Alright, text me when you get home. "_

 _I nod in response and offer a gentle smile, one he quickly returns. I wish I could touch him once more before he goes, a hug or a squeeze of his warm hand. I can't though and I don't._

 _He fixes Jake with another look, I can't see his eyes but I'd guess there's a subtle warning there. And then he's gone, across the gleaming asphalt to his patrol car._

 _As soon as he's out of sight I walk closer to my truck and closer still to my towering friend._

" _What's up?"_

 _He's still staring after Edward, his face scrunched up like he's tasted something sour._

" _What's with him?" I feel my brows lift, surprised that he's bothering to bring it up and confused by his vague question. "I can't tell if the guy's your step dad or your boyfriend."_

 _My mouth drops open and I feel my cheeks flush in embarrassment and anger. "Actually, he's neither, which you already know. Jake, I thought you wanted to talk but apparently you just dropped by to piss me off."_

 _I stomp over the pavement and throw the door of my truck open with an obnoxious metal screech. My jeans slide over the worn fabric seat and I reach out, grabbing for the handle but he stops the door before I can slam it in his face._

" _Look, I'm sorry. I was just kidding, I wasn't trying to make you mad." He stands between the door and me and dips his head lower, trying to meet my downcast eyes. "I didn't mean anything by it Bells..."_

 _Asshole, I think to myself. But even then I know I have very little reason to be so angry. He'd hit the nail on the head with his jest. Edward and I have been living in this new plain for the past month, one where I could scarcely define anything. Friends; that had been our goal at the beginning but it feels more meaningful than that now._

" _You wanted to talk?" I finally find his eyes and watch as his shoulders relax._

" _Yeah." He glances over his shoulder and I see that Edward's cruiser is still there, headlights shining bright. I can't see him through the windshield but I know where he's looking. "Can we go somewhere?"_

 _A sigh floats from my lips and I glance again at my wrist. "I have to be back at Angela's in twenty minutes."_

 _He makes a grunting noise that reminds me of a caveman and runs a hand over his face. "What about tomorrow after school?"_

" _Okay." I'm quick to agree and hope in the back of my mind that tomorrow will be less awkward._

" _Alright, see you tomorrow Bells." His hand squeezes my arm gently. He's a smile and a wink and then he's trotting away, over to his awaiting motorcycle._

I sigh again as I turn down the gravel drive that leads to Jake's, the same way I'd sighed after he'd gone last night. I've tried to push it to the back of my mind but I can't seem to. What was so important that he'd show up at the diner to talk to me?

I'll know soon enough I suppose.

I pass by the old oak tree we climbed as children and then the house and barn are in sight. Another deep breath as I'm grinding the truck to a halt and another as I place it in park.

As soon as I'm out of the truck I can hear the hum of music from the open doors of the garage.

I find him leaning under the hood of an old and rusted mustang. He's laser focused and doesn't notice my appearance until I clear my throat.

His wide brown eyes bounce back to me and then his face is covered in one of those signature Jacob smiles, one that had been noticeably absent the night before.

"Swan." He wipes his hands on a dirty rag as he steps closer and drops his tools in a red metal box with a clank. "I thought you might not show."

"Ta dah." I put my hands in the air and wince at the action. I instantly regret the stupid phrase and spirit fingers that follow. It's one of those moments, one where your body and mouth acts before your mind can take control. Embarrassment ensues. "Sorry."

It's too late, he's watched every second in obvious amusement and a deep belly laugh meets my ears.

"Well I'm happy you made it." He throws his hands up and moves his fingers around with added pep.

"Ha ha…very funny." My hand swats at his arm but he's still laughing and now so am I.

This is the Jake that I'm used to. Maybe last night was a fluke, I think to myself. And then I'm soberly reminded why I'm here.

"You wanted to talk about something?"

"Yes." The smile barely falters on his face. "Step into my office."

He extends his arm and motions to an old wooden chair that looks like it was created the same year as his great grandfather.

I sit, the old wood squeaking under me, as Jake pulls up a rusted stool for himself.

Once we're both seated and the music is lowered we wade through a minute of awkward silence.

"So…" He starts. He's leaning forward, elbows on his knees and his gaze on his fidgeting hands. He clears his throat and then continues.

"I broke up with Leah." I quickly try to mask my face but my brows are already lifting in surprise. I knew they'd been seeing one another but I wasn't aware it was serious enough for the word 'break-up'.

"What? When?" I scoot forward on my seat.

"Last night." He runs a hand over his face as he speaks and his answer is muffled but clear enough.

"After you came to see me? Jake I'm sorry, I-"

"No. It was before." He smirks and I'm a bit confused until he continues. "That's why I couldn't call. I smashed my phone in the school parking lot."

My mouth rounds in to an 'o' as I start to put the pieces together.

"Jake, I'm sorry. I thought you guys were doing okay. I mean, you've been visiting her almost every weekend since school started back." I don't mean it any kind of way aside from fact but I can't miss the way his nostrils flare and his fists clench.

He laughs but it's a dry airy sound that lacks any humor.

"We had fun but we both knew it wasn't going anywhere. The long distance thing was getting old for something I knew wouldn't last."

I open and close my lips, thoughts are diving to become words but they all fall away before they're spoken. I'm still confused. Why the fanfare if this is what he wanted to talk about? We've never discussed Leah before, in fact it had always seemed like a taboo topic. Wouldn't Quinn or Paul be better suited to help with this sort of thing?

"I know you're graduating early." It takes me a moment to process this new thought and then my brows pull together in further confusion. It's far from the previous topic and he says it like it's a secret, like it's something I've kept from him. Did I?

"Yeah...If I pass calculus." I smile and try to ease the tension but it doesn't work.

This isn't the cool and debonair Jacob that I'm used to. This is tension and a seriousness I still don't understand.

"Do you know where you're going yet?" He scoots forward slightly and our knees are almost touching. It takes me back to last night in the diner with Edward, but the feeling in my stomach now is far from butterflies.

"I…." I sigh and shake my head. "I don't know. It's still up in the air. What's going on-"

"What if I go with you?" It's his voice ringing through the air and his hot hands grasping at my jean clad legs all at once.

My mind is a fog in the aftermath of his hurried words but then it starts to clear. I may not be the best at math but I'm quickly adding it all together. He broke up with Leah. He wants to go with me.

I'm shaking my head as I speak. To clear my head or to tell him no, I'm not sure.

"Jake…"

"I tried Bella." His jaw clenches and he scoots even closer, if that's possible. Breathing becomes a little harder. "I tried to distract myself, to try something else but it never clicked. Leah wasn't right for me. All those girls, they're never right."

"You'll find someone-" I hurry to interject, to try and shift this oppressive tension.

His hands are on my cheeks then, his voice too deep. "We both know I already have."

"Jesus, Jake." My hands find his, shoving them away as I stand from the creaking wooden chair.

My fingers run through windswept hair, pulling at tangles as I take the steps to put some space between us. I can't think with him that close, skin-to-skin and breath-to-breath. It's this again. I guess I thought he was over it. With Leah and all those weekends away, it seemed obvious that he'd gotten over these feelings but how wrong I was.

"I'm sorry okay." I hear the thud of his boots as he paces and draws near. "I know that you don't feel the same..." He turns to me with desperate eyes. "Right?"

As if that isn't the most loaded question I've ever heard.

"Jake…" I trail off, unsure how to answer, unsure how I feel. In an alternate universe I'd be thrilled that this kind and attractive guy cared enough to follow me. In reality things aren't so simple, not even close.

I know how he feels, loving someone who doesn't love you back, not in the way you want them to. It's a never-ending sore tooth that only one person can fix. Knowing the feeling only makes this harder.

"Look, don't answer that. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have sprung this on you…again." His lungs breathe out harsh and loud. "Fuck!" He kicks his boot and I hear the clink of a tool as it flies over the floor and into the side of his metal toolbox.

"I'm an idiot." When his eyes find mine again, they're laced with guilt and sadness and a myriad of things I can't read.

The garage is quiet aside from the faint music and the rampage of thoughts in my mind.

"Sometimes." I answer after too long, a smile prickling the corners of my lips.

I hear him sigh and see the way his face brightens just a little.

"Can we just…start this over maybe? I've been running this conversation through my head for weeks and this is definitely not how I wanted things to go." He sits back on the stool across the room but I make no move to get closer. I need the distance to keep my mind clear.

"Weeks?" I whisper.

"I'm freaking you out again aren't I?"

"Yes." My answer sounds like a question. In truth I don't know. I feel like a knot of confusion and too many thoughts.

"I'm just trying to say that I still have feelings for you. I've tried to move past it but I can't stop thinking of you in that way and a part of me was hoping that after all this time you might feel the same." My eyes are glued to him, to the way he shakes his head as he pauses. "Obviously I was wrong."

"Jake…"

"No, don't do that. Don't feel sorry for me. That's not what I want."

I snap my lips closed. Looking at him now is like looking in a mirror. I wish I could be honest. I wish I could tell him the truth of why I can't feel the same.

"I can't have what I want. I can't make you feel the same. I know that, but I guess I thought if I could follow you, if we could get the fuck out of this town, maybe then things could be different." He huffs a breath and stands, clenching and unclenching his hands.

His feet are moving, bringing him slowly closer and then he's right in front of me.

I can't decide if I want to push him away or pull him closer still. It's a strange war between wanting to comfort one of my best friends and providing the distance I think we both need. Before I can decide, his hands reach out and grab mine. They're warm and squeezing and a solace I hadn't realized I was missing.

"I don't know what to say Jake."

"I know." He sighs for what seems like the hundredth time in the past two days. "Look, I know that things are beyond complicated for you right now and I'm not telling you all this to make it worse."

I can tell that there's more to this speech but my voice breaks through the air before he can continue. My question is out as soon as I think it, before I have time to regret the intrusion of it. "Why do you like me Jake?"

"What?" His grip on my hands loosens. He takes a half step back.

"Why do you like me…as more than a friend?"

His brows are furrowed as he steps back, just out of reach. There's a long pause, a void of silence, where I can see the cogs turning in his head.

"I-" another pause and a huff of hot air. "Because…" I've hardly ever heard the 'cool' Jacob Black stutter but he certainly is now. I think about asking him to forget my question. I didn't say it to make him squirm and he's doing just that. But I need to know the answer.

He pinches his eyes closed and when they reopen the panic is replaced by steely determination.

"I've known you forever, my whole life it seems, and you've always been so…so kind and sweet. You get me. You've been there for me through everything and you're beautiful and so strong." He stops to take a breath and I can't help but shake my head.

"I'm not that girl anymore Jacob. I want to be…but I'm not." My voice is weak but he hears me. I know when I see the confusion mar his chiseled face.

"Bella..."

"I'm not strong, not at all, and I'm not _sweet_." I spit the word out like it burns. "If you could hear half of the shit in my head lately…"

"Stop." His hands are on my arms, grabbing me, halting my unconscious sway from side to side. I can feel his eyes searching mine but I haven't a clue what he'll find.

I don't even know what I'll say next until it's out of my lips.

"Look, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to risk our friendship. That's the last thing I want but…I don't…I don't know who I am anymore Jake. I have no clue. And I think I need to figure that out before I can accept anyone's feelings for me."

I watch as my words sink in and feel the weight of them falling heavy over my own shoulders.

It's the truth.

How can I expect anyone to love me when I don't know who I am?

I'm in a daze, overwhelmed in my own thoughts, when he pulls me in. He squeezes me so tight and it's warmth and comfort and I think I might be crying. I feel his chest heaving against mine; feel the quick thump of his heart. I can barely breathe but I don't feel the need.

"Okay." His voice filters into my ear under hot breath and then he pulls back.

His eyes, the color of bark after the rain, stare down at me and the confusion is all swept away. "I get it Bella." His hands arch up to my cheeks but thankfully the intimacy from earlier isn't there. "And just so you know, you could never lose our friendship. Trust me, I'm not going anywhere."

His lips pull back against bright white teeth. It's my friend smiling down at me, a mix of strength and sadness.

Even so, I still feel a worry stirring in my stomach.


	25. Only Time

**Chapter Twenty – Five: Only Time**

Over the past few years I've spent far too much of my time thinking about life and the people in mine.

In that time, it's been progressively easier to see the weight of how ever-changing it all is. It's the blurring lines between strangers and friends and family. Oftentimes our bonds with those around us are in between or impossible to define with words. It's all happening in the minutes of our days. The seconds apart or together added up and becoming heavy with a purpose and meaning. I've thought and written on this for hours and still I can scarcely wrap my brain around it all.

Jacob was once my best friend.

Back when we were clad in grass stained denim overalls and covered in cooties. In those days we could spend hours climbing trees or hunting for beetles in the grass.

But how quickly that's all changed. Things are so different now and it's impossible to pinpoint when it all distorted. There isn't one specific moment that swayed us. In fact I imagine it's hundreds of moments aligning just so. I couldn't go back and change it even if I wanted to, and sometimes I really do.

Jacob was once my best friend but now…

Now I don't know where we stand.

Things are okay on the surface. I see him again at school the Monday after our talk. He smiles but it doesn't quite reach his dark chocolate eyes and we pretend that it's all okay even though I suspect that it's not. As the days persist I see him less and less and his excuses become progressively more paper-thin. I feel the shift in our relationship like a rock in my shoe but it doesn't seem to faze him.

I know him well enough to see the wall he's built in defense and I know pain well enough to recognize self-preservation when I see it.

The separation is strange and I think about how simple things once were much too often, but I get it. I have to let him have this. I imagine that his feelings aren't unlike mine after I kissed Edward and pushing it all away certainly seemed like the best solution to me at the time as well.

Another gaping question mark in my life is her.

Renee.

My mother.

I miss her…

When I decided on NYU, I wanted to tell Edward first but I wanted to tell her too. I remember a time when I told her everything, when _she_ was the first person I wanted to tell things to. That was back when things were simpler, back when I was a little girl that she was the woman I wanted to be one day. When she was the mother who loved me no matter what.

I miss that version of her every day but I'm resolved to march on. I can't fix this problem alone and I'm still not sure if I want to.

Fortunately I'm not without an abundant support system as the days without my mother and friend turn into weeks and months.

Angela and her parents are ceaselessly understanding of the unending stalemate between Renee and I. In all honesty, I'd worried when I first arrived that I'd feel like a burden, like an intruder in their happy home. Luckily I was very wrong in my worries. The Webbers quickly and gracefully accepted me into their family, game nights and all – though I never manage to win at monopoly.

While it feels more and more every day like I've lost a mother, I gain a family in the Webbers and a sister in Alice.

Edward's pint sized sister calls several times a week, both to check in and to keep me updated on the Jasper situation. They move in together at the beginning of November, a fact she's kept quiet from her parents and brothers, and Alice's irrational fear that it's too good to be true has her chatting my ear off for an hour at a time. She's happy, obviously and palpably happy, and I feel fresh and renewed at the end of each call. It feels good to be the one someone needs rather than the one always in need. It feels even better when it's Alice that needs me.

Dinners with Edward continue once a week like clockwork. He eats his burger and fries and I have my grilled cheese and soup and we talk about our lives and 'accidentally' brush our knees together too often.

He doesn't once ask about running into Jake that night and I don't reveal anything. In fact, his name is never mentioned at all. In the back of my mind I think Edward might still believe that there's something romantic between my towering friend and me and I don't have the energy or nerve to dissuade the notion. It's probably better that he thinks that. It's just another something else to hold him at arms length.

Jacob is one of the several things that Edward and I just don't talk about - Jacob and Renee and anything from our previous life.

I sometimes wonder if it hurts for him to think about the demise of his marriage. Does he regret any choices he made along the way, does he miss any parts of her or us from way back when. I think about those things but I don't dare ask.

Our weekly dinners, daily texts, and occasional phone calls are all a game of taboo but one I would never dare miss. They're far more open and good than anything else and I find that I'll gladly walk on eggshells every now and again to keep his gaze on mine.

He's still my unending support, my rock, my constant. He's proven time and again that he means what he says and my fears of losing him are dwindling by the day. Despite the few no go topics of conversation, things are easy between us for the first time in a long time. We talk about nearly anything and everything and regardless of the words spouting from my lips he makes me feel truly heard.

It's easy with Edward, blissfully easy and tirelessly complicated.

With the words unreservedly spoken and the time locked together there's always an underlying current of _something_ else.

It's strong and encompassing and impossible to avoid, though I certainly try.

I can't accurately name that something but it feels like a cousin to tension, hot white tension that pulls us together and pushes us apart. An undulating tension we ignore.

It's the spark when our skin touches and the way our eyes connect so instantly when we do. Like he feels it too. It's my ever-blushing cheeks and the way his Adams apple bobs and his jaw clenches. I notice every detail and the more time we spend together I think he might notice them too. I _think_ he might, but it's another thing I'll never ask.

Despite that overarching _something_ , I can very clearly still see the guard rail he's placed between us - The distinct line that neither of us should cross if we value what we have.

Too often I think of what ifs and what could bes and then I force myself again to remember the harsh sting of his rejection. I've heard that time dulls our memories, but for me, that one is unsurprisingly crystal clear. I make myself remember that night and the boundary he's drawn between us and I lean back in the squeaking booth and try again to ease my racing heart. I'll follow whatever rules necessary to keep him.

Days blur together as weeks pass and the air in Forks grows colder.

December arrives quickly and I can feel the press of impending exams, the promise of a chapter ending and a new and terrifying beginning,

My mind is so full of calculations, Shakespeare, and worries that I nearly forget about the significant day.

It's a Monday afternoon and I'm shoving books from a locker into my old Jansport when my phone vibrates in the back pocket of my jeans. I expect to see Angela's name across the screen but find Edward's instead.

My brow furrows in the way my mother once warned would give me wrinkles and I swipe the message open.

' _Want to catch a movie tonight?'_

My first feeling is a fluttering in my stomach. It's the butterflies I imagine you get when the boy you've been crushing on finally asks you out. It's like that but Edward certainly isn't a boy and this isn't a schoolgirl crush.

It's an uncomplicated question but still I feel an odd weight in my stomach. We only meet on Thursdays. Sure, he calls and texts and I've run into him at Newton's a few times here or there but we only actively plan to meet on Thursdays. It's all a part of the unspoken rules.

A huff of air escapes my lungs as I try to solve the small mystery and then it hits me.

It crashes into me like a semi truck and my phone slips from my fingers before I can move to catch it. I vaguely hear the clatter of the device upon the vinyl hallway tile but I pay no mind. My thoughts are too occupied with the vivid memories, the snow and the bone chilling cold and the empty black night. The memory of Edward's panicked voice rings in my ear when a hand on my arm pulls me from the void.

"Bella." I blink the memories away and turn my eyes to face a concerned Angela. "Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost." She squeezes my arm lightly through my sweater as her quiet question floats through the air.

I'm still frozen for a moment but luckily I snap out of it and find my voice before it's too obvious.

"Uh…yeah. Sorry. " I turn to find my phone lying a few feet away and sitting flush against the bottom of the lockers.

"Shit. " I mumble the curse as I pick it up to find a partially cracked screen.

"Hey." My eyes find Angela's again when I hear her voice. "Seriously, what's going on?"

I sigh as I slip my phone back in my pocket before I can drop it again and adjust the strap of my book bag on my shoulder.

"I just…"my voice sounds squeaky to my ears. I clear my throat and divert my eyes for a moment, still attempting to clear my muddled mind. "I just remembered that today's the anniversary of the crash."

I watch her face shift and fall. "Oh….Bella…"

I can see the sympathy written in her eyes. It's the look I always get when anyone remembers. I sort of hate that look. I feel stronger now but that looks reminds me too quickly of how weak I really am.

"I had completely forgotten…with school and everything else." My voice falls as the statement ends. I swallow hard.

"Anyways, Edward asked if I wanted to see a movie and it hit me."

Her lips lift into a sad smile. "Well that's good right? He knows how you feel and it's probably better to keep yourselves busy."

She's right. I know she is. No one wants to see a repeat of last year when I disappeared only to be found staring over the edge of that bridge in the middle of the night. I was a zombie then. It's hard to believe an entire year has passed since that night

"Yeah, you're right." I smile as best I can through the memory onslaught and walk alongside Angela as we head to her car.

She tells me about a fight she's having with Ben and I try, in vain, to focus on her words. I offer little advice when she asks for it, too distracted to be useful, and she's relatively quiet after that.

I'm a bad friend sometimes.

On the way to her house I text Edward back and he says he'll pick me up in an hour.

I'm nervous – palm sweating; change my sweater three times nervous.

He texts me again when he pulls in the drive and my stomach twists in to tighter knots. I wish I could understand it, wish I could pep talk myself out of the emotional abyss but I can't, not today. There's already too much going on in my mind, in my heart.

Edward's smiling soft when I slide into the passenger seat but I can tell by his cool emerald eyes that todays date hasn't slipped his mind like it did mine.

"Hey." his greeting is gruff as he backs out of the short driveway.

"Hey." My response is nothing more than a mimic, my mind still too caught up.

He notices instantly. I'm looking straight ahead but I can feel his gaze flickering every few seconds, volleying between the road and me.

I don't mention the obvious and neither does Edward. Instead, he fills the 10 minute drive into town with stories about his weekend fishing trip with James. I can hear the grin in his voice as he tells me about a bear sighting and how they froze their asses off and didn't feel a single bite on the line. I listen intently, smiling when appropriate, but I'm still too caught up in waiting for the topic I know he'll broach.

What can I say?

How do I feel?

I honestly don't know.

After a ride that feels like forever, we pull up in front of the old theater on the south side of town. The engine quiets and the space around us is frozen silence. It's the sound of a car passing by and Edward's shallow breathing. The air is cool and pale lavender, lit by the evening sky. I spare a glance at Edward to find him watching me with concrete eyes. His jaw clenches, his throat bobs. Is it nervousness or something else? I don't know. I never know.

I breathe deep through my nose and blow the air out in a quiet huff.

"Two years," I whisper. I shake my head before laying it back on the headrest. The leather squeaks and my eyelids drift closed.

"How has it already been so long?" He speaks the question in my mind and I twist my neck to look at his face again. I can see that he's thinking just as much as I am. His brow furrows and his eyes grow darker. I notice then how tired he looks. Even with the purple crescents under his eyes and the stubble on his jaw, he's still the most beautiful man I've ever seen.

"What are you thinking about?" The need to know forces the question from my lips. His eyes fall securely on mine and I can feel that _something_ so tangibly between us. It's like a rope that grows more taught with each silent second that passes.

"You." His lips twitch just so and his eyes shine a little more.

I lift me head up, spine straight, eyes focused, and lips curling slowly towards the sky.

"Me?" It's a whisper. He swallows again and his eyes flicker over my face. To my eyes, my nose, my _lips_. I'm probably imagining that though.

He nods and I ask the silent 'why' with the shifting muscles of my face – the purse of my lips, the tensing in my forehead.

"Just thinking about how different you are today than you were a year ago. Stronger…" He means it sincerely but I can't stop the whispered scoff.

I still feel a lot like the same lost little girl I was then.

"You are." I think he must hear my thoughts but then he continues. "You might not see it Bella but I can. You've grown a lot since then…you've had to." The last part is a whispered mumble but I hear it all the same.

He may not speak her name but I don't have to guess how he feels about Renee's lack of parenting as of late.

"You've changed too." I smile soft and bump my jacket clad elbow against his.

He grins too but it's not like mine. By the ways his brows lift and his eyes shift out through the windshield I think he might have some less than positive thoughts on his own growth over the last 12 months. Apparently we both have skewed ideas of ourselves. I want to know. I want to know his every worry, his every thought.

My lips part and I'm almost asking but his voice floats in the air before I can. "We're a couple of warriors, you and I."

 _You and I._

I like the sound of that on his lips. I like the sharp sting of his green gaze. I like everything about right here and right now and I think he's right. We have changed. I've changed… and it's mostly good.

We don't talk much after that.

It's peaceful silence as we watch the evening through foggy windows.

Edward and I tread through the icy night and into the theatre after the sun has disappeared from the sky. We watch an action flick the kids at school have been talking about. It's car chase scenes and too much CGI but he's smiling every time I glance over and I'm happy. I find comfort in the dark with him by my side. Our elbows brush against each other and somewhere around the middle his hand finds mine. Or mine finds his, I don't really know. Either way, it's warm and strong and I'm glad to have the connection and the darkness to hide my blush.

That night, that was once so monumental, passes almost like any other and then time slips past me even faster.

Nearly two weeks later, I'm in the gymnasium of Fork's high school, wearing a static coated green gown and walking across a makeshift stage in heels that Alice forced on my feet.

I graduate with a handful of other classmates whom either worked their asses off to graduate early like I did or needed an extra semester. I throw my hat in the air like I'm meant to and smile wider than I knew I could and then it's over and I'm clutching an expertly rolled parchment that weighs nothing and everything. It's a stand in, my real diploma will be mailed in a few short weeks, but it doesn't matter to me now. Not when the music starts up again with the applause and I watch the ones I love grinning wide from the stands.

And then It's a bouquet of flowers thrust in my arms and Alice screeching in my ear as she tackles me in a hug.

"You're a fucking rock star Bells!" I'm smiling so wide that my cheeks hurts but I can't stop.

"Mary Alice! Language." Esme's melodious voice chides and I watch Alice's bashful glance over her shoulder.

I realize then that I'm surrounded. Angela and her parents, Esme and Carlisle, Alice and a quiet blonde man I know is Jasper, Mike and even Jacob – They're all here and smiling with sparkling pride in their eyes. And then there's Edward. I saw him in the bleachers as soon as I entered the room. He looks as happy as I feel and I want to keep the image of that face in my mind forever.

Alice lets me go and falls back towards her patient boyfriend and I launch myself into Edward's arms before I have time to think. It's warm arms squeezing me tight, feet off the floor, and breathy laughter.

It's everything fading away but _him_.

I breathe in pine and mint and Edward. I feel the fabric of his sweater against my nose, my lips. It's soft and warm and firm and it smells like him too. Time slows and I feel the press of his lips against my curled hair. It's a soft pressure and my breath held tight in my chest until he pulls back.

All of this is because of him. Because of his strength, his selflessness, his belief in me.

I love him.

"You did it kid." His voice is a low rumble in my ear that tickles the sensitive skin on my neck.

I could hug him like this for hours but thankfully he pulls away and the real world fills back in around us. Once again he's saving me and, as I glance to their still smiling faces, I hope no one else can read my love for him in that embrace.

His hands are on my shoulders, holding me at arms length and he's looking into my eyes, really looking.

"I'm so damn proud of you." That dimple appears on his freshly shaved cheek and a camera flashes, pulling me all the way out of this bubble and away from his sparkling greens.

"Pictures!" It's Alice, clutching her camera like always and shooting me a knowing look. One that says 'You've got it bad girl.'

And we both know I do.

I take photos with everyone and my heart swells with how loved I feel in this moment.

Sandwiched between a grinning Esme and Carlilse. Snap.

A giggling embrace with Angela. Snap.

Funny faces with Mike. Snap.

A stiff and barely grinning Jacob. Snap. Snap.

I had wanted him to be here and here he is. I had hoped things could be better, normal even, if only for tonight, but things aren't normal at all and there's still something not right. I can feel it in the tenseness of his muscles when we hug, can see it in his cold eyes. He tells me congratulations and makes to pull away but I grab his wrist tight before he can. My fingers dig into his warm skin until his eyes meet mine and I ask him without speaking. _What's wrong?_ He's a steel wall that I can't look through and then he shakes his head small. Maybe I can't read him but he's understood my look just fine.

"What is it?" I whisper, so low that I'm sure no one else has heard.

He smirks and then laughs light but it lacks any humor.

"Don't worry about it Swan." His voice is so detached as he slips from my loosened grip. His eyes look away and he's so… cool. I don't really know this Jacob. I have a sinking feeling that I'm missing something important here and he has no intention of sharing.

"I'll see you alright?" A too casual nod of his head and then he's pulling his hand from my loosened grasp and turning away.

I want to worry about it. I want to wrench him back and demand that we fix this. I want my friend again but I don't know how to mend it and it feels more complicated than ever now.

I don't run after him. I watch his broad back slip through the crowd surrounding and then he's gone. My fists clench and so do my teeth.

Alice sweeps in just in time and demands to get a photo with me. She pulls me in position like a rag doll and forces the camera in her brother's hands. I can tell by the tightening of his jaw and the concerned glint in his greens that Edward didn't miss the strange Jacob interaction.

"Don't let him kill your vibe B." Alice didn't miss it either apparently. I glance over at her before the camera flashes and she's smiling warm.

"You graduated today Bells…and this hairstyle I crafted for you," She pulls on one of my loose curls as she speaks, "does _not_ look good with a frown. " I snort, I can't help it, and just like that I'm snapped out of it and determined to make the most of this night.

After too many photos and an endless supply of hugs, Esme announces that we have reservations at a fancy restaurant in Port Angeles to celebrate. The crowd around us breaks, heading to cars to start the trek, but I hang back and Edward notices.

"I just need to grab my things from the locker room," I tell him. "Don't leave without me."

He smiles and it's breathtaking. "Never."

And then he winks and I'm basically putty. I know I'm blushing too red as I walk away but I can't help it and I don't care.

I'm still grinning wide as I turn down the small hallway that leads to the locker rooms. My mind is floating high in the clouds. It's thoughts of tonight and tomorrow and all the days to come. The promise of change and freedom from Forks and all the messes I've made here. It's everything I've worked so hard for.

And then I see her, standing frozen still only a few feet in front of me. My feet stop and I think my heart might as well. I'm ice cold in an instant and shivering all over.

I thought about her tonight, how could I not, but I never expected her to come.

My mind is a hurricane of questions and convincing myself that it's all a terrible dream but then she speaks.

"Hi sweetie."

* * *

 **Author's Note:** My sincerest apologies for the crazy delay on this chapter! Life has been busy and writer's block has been my friend lately, unfortunately. I'm writing the next chapter now and I know where things are going so it should come together faster. I hope you all enjoyed this installment of Bella's story! Please let me know what you think and where you want things to go from here. What do you think Edward's thinking? Jacob? Renee? Do you think there's any chance for a romantic future for Bella and Edward?

Thank you all for reading and I look forward to reading your feedback!


	26. Repine

**Chapter Twenty-Six: Repine**

" _Hi sweetie."_

Her greeting flows over my cold skin like lava. It's slow and deliberate and merciless. It's proof that I'm not imagining the woman before me.

She's squared shoulders and a blue wrap dress that makes her eyes pop. Her feet sit comfortably in patent leather pointed stilettos. Her caramel hair is shiny and flowing effortlessly smooth.

She looks sober.

She looks…good, intimidatingly so.

And I don't know if my eyes are honest or if the time apart has aided, but she looks more like the painfully beautiful woman in my memories.

She looks like my mother.

I swallow and there's a boulder in my throat, I feel it drop heavy into my stomach.

I'm looking into her eyes. I see the way they soften, watch the way her perfectly angled brows pull together to enunciate the wrinkle between them.

I must look as shell-shocked as I feel.

"Bella?" Her voice is loud and sharp in my ears.

"What are you doing here?" I hate how small I sound when I speak.

I watch her lips purse, see the small shuffle of her feet. Good, she's nervous.

The small smile she gives me is sad and forced.

"You invited me."

She's right.

I'd slipped the invitation in the mailbox weeks ago. It was a cold and drizzly day when I did it. The kind that seeps through your clothes no matter how many layers you wear. I'd stood there in front of my old home for almost half an hour, soaked and trying to find the nerve. I'm not sure why I did it really. I wanted to see her. I wanted to extend an olive branch. I wanted to hurt her, to show her how much she's been missing.

My intentions were a perfect blend of hope and resentment.

I did invite her but that's not explanation enough for her showing up here after all this time. Too much has happened. Too much distrust and neglect. Too many poisonous words have been spilled.

It cannot be this simple.

"Why…" I planned to continue but only that one word slips from my strawberry tinted lips.

"You look beautiful sweetie." I look for the malice, for the deceit in her words but I don't find it.

I swallow hard again and feel the harsh sting behind my eyes. _Don't cry stupid girl_ , I chastise myself. I won't let myself be weak in front of her.

"You were here the whole time?"

She nods, her expression cautious. Perhaps she's as wary of my intentions as I am of hers. Perhaps not…

"I didn't see you." My tone is curt. My fists clench and unclench. I feel like a broken compass, my emotions spinning and spinning and trying to find a direction to land.

She takes a tentative step forward and I tense.

"I stood by the door. I didn't want to distract you on your big day." Another forced closed mouth smile.

Her shiny heels take another determined step forward and I flinch slightly, remembering the sting of her hand on my cheek. "I'm so proud of you honey." Her words fall lower at the end of her statement. She looks utterly confused and then I realize I'm shaking my head slowly back and forth.

 _You don't get to say that. You don't get to be proud._ My thoughts are jagged and spiteful.

"Why are you here?" I'm a broken record. I'm grasping for anything sincere, anything to help me make sense of this.

"I wanted to see you graduate. I know you'll be leaving soon. I don't know when I'll get to see you again. " She's too guarded and I'm too emotionally lost. I can't tell if she means it.

"Bullshit." I think it and it falls from my mouth. Just like that.

Her forehead wrinkles. She visibly recoils.

"I'm your mother."

I shake my head faster now and swallow the lack of breath in my lungs, the sting behind my eyes. I'm always so fucking emotional. I want to turn it off, at least this once.

"Bella?" It's Alice's singsong voice from the gymnasium; it's the click of her heels. It's exactly what I need right now.

She's looking for me. I've been gone a while now.

"What the hell is going on here?" Her voice is closer now and lack of all the lightness from before. Her steps are harder over the linoleum, her strides purposeful.

I turn to see her at the end of the hall. Her fiery eyes are glued to Renee and her short legs are moving in quick determination.

My attention shifts back to the woman before me, the woman who looks like my mother but feels like a stranger. I need to say this before I lose my chance.

I speak quiet but firm. "Yes, biologically you may be my mother, but you haven't acted like it in a long time." Tears spring to her eyes and I feel a sick sense of satisfaction at the sight.

Alice reaches my side and her voice is louder and acidic. "Back the hell up."

The youngest Cullen sibling clutches my hand in hers and Renee stumbles back a few steps. Her eyes are hard stone but I can see the fear there as well. We both know that tiny Alice wouldn't hesitate to deck my mother if given the chance.

"We're almost done here," I tell Alice. My tone is even and reassuring. Her green eyes widen in surprise.

When I look back toward Renee, her blues are volleying between the two of us.

I wonder if she knew we were so close. She saw the Cullens in the stands I'm sure. She must have seen Edward. Did she see me hugging her ex-husband too tight? Does she know about our weekly dinners?

I almost hope she knows.

When her eyes meet mine again they're pleading, for what I don't know.

"I want to fix this too." Alice grips my hand tighter as I speak. Renee's eyes soften, her lips part. She's hopeful. "But it's not this easy and I don't think I'm ready yet."

I know I'm not ready. My urge to hurt her proves that.

Her shoulders slump and she looks more real to me than she has in a long time.

Her eyelids close too tight, the sparkling shadow reflects under the florescent lights.

When they open again there's a determination there that I didn't expect. I hope she means it.

"Okay," She says. It's one word but it hangs heavy in the air.

It's quiet for too long and finally Alice speaks. "We need to go."

"Right." Renee's voice is too loud. It cracks at the t and she clears her throat. "I should go too." She looks to me, her eyes pleading again and I can't take it. I look away.

"Thank you again for the invitation Bella and congratulations." I can tell that she's forcing the words out. When I look at her again she's wiping under her eye with manicured nails.

I nod because I don't know what more to say. She waves quickly and awkwardly and then she's spinning on her heels and walking toward a back exit by the girl's locker room. Her shoulders are stiff and shaking and I know she's crying.

It's the quick click clack of her heels and the squeak and slam of metal as she exits and then I can breath at last. I pull the stale air deep into my lungs once and then it's quick and shallow breaths as I try to reign in my emotions again. I can feel my heart beating too fast, can feel the blood pumping through my veins.

"B, are you okay?" Alice's hands are on my cheeks and then my shoulders.

My chest burns as I try to catch my breath. My eyes start to sting and I'm breathing but not really and it feels like I'm suffocating.

"Just breathe okay."

She sucks in a breath and blows it out slowly and I try to copy her but then I'm shaking and sobbing and sliding to the floor.

I want to scream. It shouldn't still hurt like this. She shouldn't still have this control over me.

I feel Alice's hands running through my hair. I hear her voice whispering calming words. She's still breathing in and out, deep and slow, and eventually it starts to work.

I don't know how long we're on the floor. I don't know if anyone passes us by, I hope not, but eventually I'm breathing again. I push my hair from my eyes and wipe my hands over my sticky face. My makeup is surely ruined.

"Better?" She asks with a small and reassuring smile.

I nod and lean my head back against the cold cinderblock wall.

"I'm pathetic." I breathe it out and close my eyes but open them back up almost instantly when Alice grips my shoulders tight.

"No…you're not… but she is. _You_ are a badass Isabella Swan and don't you dare think any differently." Her eyes are hooked on mine and her words are full of conviction. I know she wholeheartedly believes what she says and I can't accurately describe how good that feels.

"Thank you Alice." I want to cry again but for a different reason this time.

I don't though.

I'm done crying.

"Okay, now that we have that settled…" She stands and pulls me up by my hands. "Lets get your stuff and fix this makeup before my brother comes storming in here to save the day."

She's smiling again, and I snort quietly at her words. I know she's mostly joking but I also know how likely it is that Edward could have been the one to find me with Renee instead of Alice. Images of that alternate scenario flash through my mind as I grab my things from a metal locker and I force them away as soon as they arise. I'm happy it was Alice that found me.

Alice makes quick work of my tear stained face. In just a few minutes I look as good as new aside from my red and puffy eyes. Some things even makeup can't fix.

When we make it out to the parking lot it's almost completely deserted aside from a few trucks of underclassmen hanging out on tailgates and Alice's car. I can see Edward leaning against the trunk next to Jasper. They're talking with shoulders hunched and arms crossed, illuminated by yellow light from an overhead street lamp. It's cold out here and I'm surprised that they aren't in the car getting warm but then I hear Alice curse softly beside me.

"I forgot to give them the keys," she says as she digs through her large purse.

I steady my nerves as we draw nearer. I know I'll have to explain what took so long. I know I'll have to tell him. Right then Jasper looks our way and Edward's eyes follow. We're close enough now that I can see his dazzling smile.

"Finally! We're freezing our asses off out here. What took so long?" Edward's still smiling as he speaks and it's so lighthearted that I know that he has no idea.

My lips part, prepared to put an enormous damper on the mood, but Alice's voice rings out first.

"Sorry! The locker with Bella's stuff in it was jammed. It took forever to get it open." It's such an effortless lie. I turn my wide eyes quickly to Alice just in time to catch her subtle wink in my direction. When I look back to the guys, they're none the wiser, too interested in getting into the car and out of the cold.

I end up in the back seat behind Jasper and next to Edward. We're all shivering, teeth chattering, and waiting for the car to heat up as Alice fiddles with the radio dial.

"Nice to finally meet you in person by the way." Jasper's smooth southern tone rings over the sound of the heat blasting as he turns in his seat and offers a hand. I shake it quickly and smile back brightly in return.

"Oddly enough it feels like I know you already." He laughs and when I glance over to Alice her face is lit up like Times Square.

"I know exactly what you mean." He replies.

When his girlfriend finally pries her eyes away from him to glance my way I give her the same look – the one that says 'You've got it bad girl,' and she nods with an airy giggle.

"Alright enough with the telepathic communication you two." Edward's voice is deep beside me and we all laugh in response. Talking without words is a special skill for Alice and I, one we've somehow mastered despite spending more time physically apart than together.

"I'm starving and mom and dad are probably almost to the restaurant."

Alice finally finds a station that she likes and we take off toward Port Angeles. The first thirty minutes are filled with easy conversation and Edward and I getting to know Jasper better. He's quiet but kind and thoughtful and I can't miss Alice's unwavering smile. The mood in the car is cozy and relaxed but thoughts from earlier tonight linger on the edge of my mind, waiting.

When a new Beyonce song sounds through the speakers, Alice squeals and turns the volume up. She's belting the lyrics and the rest of us have gone quiet but not uncomfortably so. It's obvious that Jasper is charmed by Alice and Edward is glad to see his sister so happy. So am I.

I stare out the window, watching the first of the snow flurries. It's the warm orange glow of street lamps reflecting over slick asphalt and the cars that pass by. I watch the people in them. I watch their faces and try to imagine the lives they lead. When one of them looks back I wonder if they're imagining my life as well.

Do they know what kind of a girl I am? Can they imagine the things I've done or the things I'm always lacking.

I see my mother's face again in my mind, pleading with tear filled eyes.

Before I can venture back down that endless darkened path, I feel his hand on mine. I turn my gaze away from outside and back to Edward to find his dark and concerned eyes. He's asking what's wrong without really asking but I don't know how to answer right here, right now.

The song is over but Alice and Jasper are too busy quarreling about Beyonce to notice our intertwined hands or the way her brother's scooting closer.

"Beyonce is amazing!" Alice yells and I feel Edward's breath against my ear.

"Are you okay?" He asks and then he's leaning back to look at me. His eyes are _really_ looking, searching my face for an answer I worry he'll find.

Why is he asking? Do I not look okay? Was I peering out the window too long? Can he see my soul through the clinging dress I wear? It feels too hot now and I push the sleeves up in vain.

I don't know what to say, so I nod instead but he doesn't look convinced.

"I wasn't saying that she isn't a great singer. I just think she's overrated." Jasper argues back from in front of me and I hear Alice groan loudly. I haven't heard the whole conversation but I know that Jasper Whitlock just opened a giant can of worms.

"Promise?" Edward whispers and his pinky brushes softly against mine. A chill runs over my spine and I know he must feel the shutter.

His eyes are still staring so deeply in to mine in the darkened car and giving nothing away. They never do.

I vaguely register Alice's voice from the front seat, shrill and lecturing, but I don't hear a word of it.

I'm too busy linking my pinky with Edward's and watching the muscles on his face begin to relax under the passing street lights. It's not a lie. My mother's impromptu visit has left me with more unwanted and unanswered questions than I care to acknowledge but it doesn't negate the sheer joy of today. It doesn't minimize the hurdles I've leaped to get here. It doesn't change the gratitude and love I feel for this man. I lift my lips into a slow smile and watch, entranced, as he does the same.

I love him.

Edward doesn't say anything else and neither do I. Our hands stay joined together on the seat between us for the rest of the ride. His thumb travels slow and soothing circles over the soft skin on my hand and wrist and I close my eyes and fight the urge to scoot even closer.

When we reach the restaurant, Esme and Carlisle are waiting and Alice and Jasper have settled their argument. Alice won, of course, and the lovebirds are back to making googly eyes and smiling wide. I'm happy and pushing all my worries away while I nibble on a garlic roll and soak in the feeling of being here, now.

Before we order, Carlisle makes a toast to me and I blush and smile and hold back happy tears. Alice lets me take a sip of her wine and Esme pretends she didn't see a thing. We talk about NYU and the dorms and the future roommate I'm nervous to meet.

"When are you leaving for New York, Bella?" Carlisle asks across the table as I take a sip of my water.

"I was thinking next week. That way I can get settled in and get the lay of the land before classes begins." I set my glass on the crisp white tablecloth as I respond and smooth the napkin on my lap.

When I look back to Esme, I'm surprised to see the look of concern marring her lovely face.

"You're leaving before Christmas?" She sounds so genuinely confused and slightly sad.

I feel the way my eyes widen, feel the flush of my cheeks and the air in my lungs as I open and close my mouth, unsure what to say. My eyes fall to the table, to the warm white cloth and the flickering candles and the polished silverware.

If I'm being totally truthful, I hadn't really thought too much about Christmas this year. I'd been so focused on school and graduating that it nearly slipped my mind. I know I'm not spending the holiday with Renee and spending it with the Webbers would feel too strange. I've also always loved 'Home Alone 2' and the idea of being lost in New York at Christmas still feels slightly magical to me. I'd settled it to myself weeks ago.

I'd thought of the Cullens, of course. I could never forget Christmas last year and the warmth and happiness of it all but oddly enough it didn't feel like an option this year. I hadn't even considered it.

"I…I hadn't really thought about it." I admit. My eyes lift and Esme's head is still tilted slightly in puzzlement. The table is too quiet all of a sudden.

My gaze shifts to Edward at her side and I swallow thickly at the look in his eyes. They're dark and filled with too many emotions to decipher. It's too much and I look back down to the tablecloth.

"I mean…Things with my mom are still-"

"Bella, sweetie." Esme's kind voice cuts through my whispered words and my eyes snap back up to hers. I hate that pet name when Renee speaks it but from Esme, it's the exact opposite "I want you to know that you are _always_ welcome in our home. Your mom…well, she may be out of the picture right now but that doesn't change anything as far as we're concerned"

She pauses to let the words sink in. "We love you and we would love it if you would spend Christmas with us. "

There they go again, the pesky tears that burn behind my eyes and cloud my vision. I blink and a warm stream falls gently down my cheek and my hurried fingers quickly brush it away. Esme's eyes are so firm and sincere. When I look to Carlisle at her side, he's nodding and smiling with an arm over her shoulder and I know he wholeheartedly agrees with the extended invitation.

I clear my throat, to ensure my response is clear. "Thank you."

"So it's settled then? No more talk of skipping Christmas?" She smiles soft and so do I.

When my eyes shift and brush over Edward's face I find it's less intimidating. It's bright eyes and a small smile that's just for me. He nods his head once and I know he's reassuring me.

He wants me there too, they all do.

"Okay." And with that one word, I agree to another Christmas with the Cullen family and I couldn't be happier.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Another update! Thank you for reading and I hope you all enjoyed it! I have been trying to get back into my groove again with writing this and I'm finding that it's helping to read other fanfics and revisit some unfinished stories I've written in the past. Sometimes it helps to step back and see the story from a new light to spark new ideas!

On that note, I was wondering if you guys would be interested in reading two other stories I've started? (Be honest) Both are unfinished original stories with 10k + words so far that I could easily transition into the Twilight world if you'd prefer. My question is, if I post these would you be interested in reading original fiction on fiction press or would you prefer if they were fics within the Twilight universe that you could read right here? Thoughts? Questions? Ideas? Send them my way.

Thank you all and I hope you have a lovely weekend!


	27. December Day

**Chapter Twenty – Seven: December Day**

" _I've met someone." She'd said, eyelashes fluttering and smiling like a teenager._

 _A long dramatic pause and a playful twist in her meaningful grin, "A man..."_

" _Really?" I was sprawled out her bed hands under my chin, and eyes on her vanity mirror, glued eagerly to her reflection. Another layer of mascara, a gentle brush of blush, a spritz of something floral scented in a lovely pink bottle. I wanted all of it._

 _I wanted to be just like her._

" _Mhmm." She'd nodded, still grinning too wide._

 _Her dress was a deep blue-green, a color that's suited her eyes and hair just so. Her skin was effortlessly sun kissed tan, even in November._

 _She was perfect._

 _She was beautiful._

" _Is he Matthew McConaughey handsome?" I'd asked so naively. We had fawned over him the week before while watching a chick flick about a wedding planner. His eyes, his smile, his jawline - My mother had pointed at them all and smiled coyly._

" _He's even more handsome than that." I gasped dramatically and she eyed me in the mirror so knowingly, like she had all the answers to everything. Her confidence was something I couldn't fathom, something so far away and intangible even then._

" _Do you love him?" I'd asked, ever the romantic._

 _I had already read Pride and Prejudice twice by then and the thought of a grand romance seemed like life's true goal._

 _She twirled a section of smooth hair around her finger before standing and smoothing out the lap of her clinging dress. Two steps forward on stiletto heels and a sway of her hips._

" _I'm going to marry him one day."_

That was the day my mother first told me about Edward Cullen.

They married 6 months later, just as she said they would, and it's all so mysterious to me still. How they were and how they came to be and how I managed to fit in amongst it all.

I'm following behind him now in my truck and driving the winding roads to Oak Harbor.

It's yellow lines, and gray skies, and Willie's voice singing in the background.

The clouds are low and ominous but dry and the air is icy cold. Edward is driving three car lengths ahead of me and all my mind can focus on is where we're going and how the distance between us is only bound to grow. We've decided that I'll leave for the airport straight from the Cullen's after Christmas. Oak Harbor is closer to Seattle and Esme insists that I leave my truck in their extra garage while I'm away. I'm immensely grateful for everything but it's all beginning to feel so finite, so _real_.

' _This looks like a December day.'_ Willie Nelson's words penetrate my mind and heart quickly.

' _It looks like we've come to the end of the way.'_ I hadn't been truly paying attention until now and I wish I never had.

' _And as my memories race back to love's eager beginning'_ I clench the steering wheel tight.

' _Reluctant to play with the thoughts of the ending'_ My knuckles are stark white as we reach Deception Pass Bridge. It's dark water and evergreen all around but all I see is him in front of me.

' _The ending that won't go away.'_ Enough. I hit the power button and end the song as quickly as it began. I breathe deep and take a quick glance over the rippling water as the bridge comes to an end.

It's silence and the sound of the wind against the orange beast.

Only 15 minutes to go, I think to myself as the landmark shrinks away behind us.

I let the quiet consume me for 2 miles and then I'm slipping in the CD Angela made me as a going away gift. It's a variety of tracks about New York with a peppering of Washington inspired songs in the mix.

'So you don't forget us,' she'd said when she gave it to me.

Like I ever could.

I could never forget.

My whole life is in Forks.

The rest of the drive is spent in my mind. It's all the unanswered questions I've never dared to ask Edward. It's questions about his childhood and how he grew up. It's wondering how a man like him wound up married to a woman like my mother or how he really ended up leaving her. It's that and so much more. It's the unfilled gaps in the Edward that I love that I crave to know.

Frank Sinatra croons as I pull up to the stately Cullen home and I quickly push that all away. It's three days until Christmas and I'm absolutely determined to make the most of these days with the Cullens, my last days with _him_.

I swallow thick at that thought and then I'm smiling because it's impossible not to when I see Esme and Carlisle emerge from the front door bundled up in their coats.

The afternoon is a whirlwind of hugs and cooking and Christmas music.

Esme coerces me into dancing in the kitchen to 'Rockin Around the Christmas Tree' before I can mash the potatoes and I find the goofy smile on Edward's face when he catches us. His green eyes are sparkling bright and I can't help but smile wide in response. He's so obviously happy and so am I. It feels so easy, so natural, and I'm overjoyed that it's not awkward for them to have me here without Renee.

Alice and Jasper arrive as we're putting dinner on the table and our reunion is laughter and a tight embrace. We eat and talk and thankfully no one mentions New York. I'm not ready to think about leaving just yet. Alice decides during dessert that she's dragging me to the nearest mall tomorrow to finish up Christmas shopping and I quickly agree. Despite my distaste for shopping in general, I love giving gifts and I already have a list of ideas for the Cullen family.

When stomachs are full and dishes are clean, we spend two hours playing Trivial Pursuit in front of a crackling fire in the living room and I find that unsurprisingly, Edward and I make a magnificent team. I don't remember who wins, its not really important. That part is all clouded with Esme's easy smiles, Alice's bubbling laughter, and Carlisle corny jokes. It's perfect. At one point, I find my self stock-still and trying to soak it in, intent on remembering the moment for eternity.

I hope I do.

I think about it again when I finally find a peaceful interlude just after midnight when the lively home has gone to rest. I'm back in the darkened sunroom that hasn't changed a bit since last year and clutching a cup of steaming tea in my cold hands. I don't have the same problems sleeping that I used to but I've found that I really like the tea Carlisle gave me. It's warming and calming and comfort in a cup.

I'm slumped into the cream colored couch and basked in blue moon light. I can hear the murmuring of someone upstairs and the creak of the wind against the glass but aside from that it's nearly silent. I can hear each gentle breath that I take and the soft rustle of my cotton t-shirt against the fabric of the couch as my muscles slowly relax.

I can hear everything.

I lean my head back against the plush cushion and look up to the moon through the clear glass. It's partially covered in fluffy clouds but bright all the same. It's true and consistent in its beauty, back every single night, even if we can't see it.

I'm relishing in it all when I hear a gentle sound amiss amongst the peace - socked feet over hardwoods.

"I thought I might find you here." I turn to see Edward stepping quietly through the doorway. It's dark but I can see him well. He's messy hair, light stubble, and a t-shirt he got at a 5K in Port Angeles years ago. His steps are soft and his hands are shoved into the deep pockets of gray sweatpants. He's casual perfection and I don't want to look away.

I don't know what to say in response so I smile instead.

He must appreciate it all the same because he smiles back and his eyes crinkle so perfectly before he's plopping into the open space beside me.

"You okay?" He nudges his elbow against mine and my tea sloshes a little in the large mug in my hands.

"Sorry." He says sheepishly before ducking his head and it only makes me smile more. He looks so much younger right now.

It's easier to feel like his equal here and now and I don't hesitate to speak the truth.

"I'm more than okay." I find Edward's sparkling eyes, so much closer than I thought, "I love it here. I really do."

"Me too." His lips twitch toward the moon and I know his words are sincere.

I take a sip of my tea to calm myself when I feel my heart stuttering a bit. It's warmth in my mouth and chest and stomach and the resolve to not think so hard about his closeness.

"Dinner was amazing by the way." Edward's voice breaks through the silence. " You sure you don't want to be a professional chef?" His smile is still so boyish and teasing and I want to see it again and again.

"Maybe one day." I muse and he grins even wider.

And then it's comfortable quiet while we both look ahead and over the glistening bay. Seconds tick by into minutes. It's moonlight over everything and dark evergreens swaying in the breeze. It's the calm and our breathing and his heavy presence next to me. It's us, three days before Christmas in his family home.

I smile again.

My attention starts to drift amidst the silence, back to the questions floating in my mind during the distant drive. All the answers I want and need are slouched into the couch next to me, deep inside that beautiful brain.

Would I dare to stir this moment with one of those?

Would he dare to answer in truth?

I'm already watching him when I ask the first one.

Like a Band-Aid…

"Why did you marry my mother?" It's a fucking loaded question and I know it. He knows it too by the way the air rushes from his lungs and he looks at me all wide eyed.

"What?"

"I just…" where am I going with this? "I know that opposites attract and all of that. But you're both so different. I just never really understood how it happened." He's still saucers of emerald green and lips opening and closing like a fish.

And then he sighs and his hands are in his hair and his jaw is hard clenched.

"Jesus… Uh…"

He certainly didn't expect me to ask something like this. I didn't expect it either really, but now that it's out I want he answer like nothing else.

But then he speaks again, so low and quiet and just for me.

"I pulled her over for speeding." He pauses and I'm already hooked with those six words. It's a fact I've never known. Their whirlwind romance was always shrouded in mystery and magic until it wasn't.

"I had just gotten out of a pretty serious relationship. Your mom…Renee, she said all the right things." He sighs again, louder this time and his eyes, which were across the bay, come back to me in force.

"I don't know if I should tell you all of this Bella. She's your mom."

I'm shaking my head as he says it. He can't stop now.

"I know my mother pretty well Edward. I don't think anything you say can really surprise me at this point." He still looks unsure.

I lean forward and place my half empty mug of tea on the coffee table in front of us. And then I'm turning to face him more fully and grasping at his hand on the small space of cushion between us. It feels weird to initiate this contact. He's usually the bold one, but tonight I'm fueled by the dull moonlight and the need to know more.

His hand is warm and instantly grips on to mine, fingers laced tight. It's another pang in my stomach and I know we're too close still but I'll be leaving soon enough and I'll take what I can get before then.

"I have so many questions…there are so many things about you that I don't know and sometimes the curiosity to know is so overwhelming." I pause and pull more cold air into my lungs. It's a span of silence and I'm back in my mind again when he squeezes my hand. I find his eye, locked so tightly on to mine and they're begging me to continue.

"I'm sorry if my questions make you uncomfortable. If you don't want to answer, I understand…but I want to know." I look down, away from his intense gaze and to our hands intertwined. "I want to know you."

Silence stretches and I'm scared to meet his eyes again.

I wait and wait until I can't stand it and I spare a glance through my lashes.

He's looking right at me and sitting stone still. His dark eyes are swirling with more than I can comprehend. His mouth hangs open slightly, but without a sound. His lips, I look at them for a second too long and then away and back to the bay.

I can't read him.

"Just forget-" I start, but then he's squeezing my hand again and spurring my words to a halt.

"Like I said, Renee said all the right things." He starts in a whisper before clearing his throat.

"She liked all the same things that I liked. We wanted all the same things." His voice is gravel-rough but clear.

"She was perfect…at least it seemed that way at the time. And I was looking to settle down…start a family." His eyes connect with mine on that, answering a question I've asked myself a million times before. He looks pained at the words and this time it's me squeezing his fingers with mine.

"I remember thinking as I was buying the ring that it was too good to be true. I'd talked to Emmett about it. Was I going too fast? Was it all too crazy to be real?"

He's shaking his head and his other hand twists roughly in to his auburn locks.

"He knew as soon as he saw Rosalie that she was the one. He seems like a macho man but he's more of a romantic than I am." I smile and so does Edward, dimple and all.

"So of course he told me to go for it." A beat of silence and I inhale slow.

"I started to see the cracks in the story she wound after we were married. I saw it but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I tried to make it work for a long time. I didn't want to fail again." I don't miss the way he says 'again' but I know that's a question for another time. This is all too much as it is.

"It was easier to ignore it all and pretend that everything was fine… but then… the crash." His eyes are on mine, so full of pain. He's remembering it as vividly as I am, I'm sure.

"After that night, it was like something in me shifted." He's shaking his head back and forth and looking far away.

"Life's so fucking fragile and it was all I could think about. It could end any moment and I was spending it with someone I didn't even really know. She wasn't the woman I thought I fell in love with, that's for sure. She didn't want all the things she told me she wanted. She wasn't who she told me she was. She was a different person entirely." My mother the chameleon, always ready to shift and adapt to get what she wants.

She'd fooled me too.

I want to tell him that but he speaks again.

"By that point, I had so much to lose." His eyes are on mine again and I think he means me. I shudder involuntarily and it feels like my heart swells, though I know that's impossible.

"I wanted to make it work…and then I didn't. I just couldn't do it anymore." I place my other shaking hand on his with the first and I can practically feel the tension coursing through him.

And then it's silence again. I'm soaking it all in and he's slowing relaxing back into the couch. Another cloud covers the moon and its just a bit darker, a shadow over us both.

"I'm sorry…" My lips whisper. "I shouldn't have asked. It's not my place. I know that it's hard for you-"

"Hey," he interrupts gently.

I look up again and his eyes are so dark and intense.

"It's okay that you asked." He nods small to reassure me. " Yeah, it's not the easiest thing to talk about but if you want to know about it, I want to tell you. You can ask my anything."

More silence, laying heavy over us like a blanket. It's too comfortable and it's fusing us together so tightly. It's strings weaving around and around and I fear I won't be able to break them, no matter the physical distance. I'm staring at him but spaced out all the same. I'm a pool of worry and distress and thinking I can't get back from this.

"I mean it Bella…" He speaks so soft, breaking the silence and my whirling daze. I focus on him again and try to push the rest away.

"I want you to know me too." He says.

And I know I'm done for.

* * *

 **Author's Note:** A Cinco De Mayo update! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! I'm sorry if it feels like things are going slow right now but to me it's all a necessary step in the direction of the story and the relationship between Bella and Edward. Please let me know what you think! Ideas? Predictions? Hopes? I look forward to reading them all.


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